Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for SaturnDay, April 21, 2012. When the hell is UranusDay, that’s what We want to know.
Welcome to A Very Special Weekend Almost-All Video E-Dition Of Erix Daily Horoscope. In honor of the imminent arrival of the twelfth installment in the duodecad (We just this minute learnt that word…it means “group of twelve”…Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t even know it…they want us to substitute “duodenal”) that is Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes, We present a retrospective of the first e-leven e-pissodes, in order from the very beginning:
GEMINI: Where it all began. Gad, We were windy back then. The most memorable thing for Us about this e-pissode was an on-set accident that occurred just before We began filming, in which We smashed Our nekkid left big toe into a piece of furniture. So, in Our opening credits sequence, which appears in each and every video, when you see Us walking down the stairs, it will amuse you to know that Our left shoe is full of blood, Our left big toe is swollen to the size of Daniel Day-Lewis, and We are in terrible pain.
(How many of you perverts are now trying to figger out what exactly the size of Daniel Day-Lewis is?)
CANCER: All We remember about these next two is that, in a burst of efficiency and brilliance on the part of Our director, We shot them both on the same day.
VIRGO: Never ones to rest on Our laurels, We decided to change it up for Virgo, which was also the first clear indication of the serial nature of Our storyline. The appearance of The Angel in the thumbnail for this video predicktably piqued Our audience’s interest (see what We did there?). We are pretty sure We shot Libra on the same day.
SCORPIO: We definitely shot these next two on the same day. We are particularly enamored of the Halloween art direction in Scorpio, especially the pre-credit teaser. Pre-credit teasers become more common from here on out, while the reading of the birthday wishes is retired in favor of a scrolling list. Also, the cameraman character becomes gradually more defined, in anticipation of his upcoming special e-pissode.
(All of these musings are available to be quoted(for a small fee) as footnotes by those doing masters’ theses or doctoral dissertations on the subject of Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes.)
CAPRICORN: Here is the aforementioned special cameraman e-pissode. This was so much fun to shoot, and We mostly recall Our director making one impossible thing after another happen with demented ease and glee. (“Demented ease and glee” really should be the name of something…but what?) In addition to its contribution to Our storyline, it is funny to Us that this is, quite parenthetically, Our Christmas e-pissode. Merry!
AQUARIUS: This is Our last “normal” e-pissode, and, as such, We have almost no recollection of actually shooting it:
PISCES: We were so fortunate to get to work with Barrymore-Award-winning actor, Michael Doherty, on this e-pissode. Because We’re connected like that. Some day, he will be famous, and he will have to pay Us a metric fuckton of money to destroy every copy of this video and deny that it ever existed. No amount of money, however, can cause Us to unsee looking down his pants:
ARIES: And, of course, Our most recent effort prior to the incipient Taurus, which caused one Gentle Reader to inquire who the actor playing Our mother was. Sigh.
And We’re outtie! Happy weekend!
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.