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Monday, April 30, 2012

Tequila!



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for MungDay, April 30, 2012.  Happy birthday to Francicso, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Billy, who does NOT turn twenty-four today, but who is the third person in under a week whose birthday We have mentioned who is birthdaying in MaryLand.  If We are not careful, We are going to get a reputation.  And people will start calling Us NancyPants. 

(We just this minnit made up “NancyPants”, so naturally We had to run off and Google it on Wikipedia to see if We ACTUALLY made it up, or if it had been made up before Us.  Naturally, it was a pre-existing condition, but, oddly enough, according to Urban Dictionary, it has two distinctly different definitions depending on whether One uses it as one word or two.  Oh, the things We learn here at Erix Daily Horoscope!)

(According to Micro$oft Weird™, We have also made up “birthdaying”.  Since when is “birthday” not a verb?)

(While We were Googling, We also Googled “mung” to see what that poor bean ever did to get called that.  We learned nothing whatsoever about mung beans, but We heard for the first time of the computer geek acronym “MUNG”, which stands for “modify until no good”.  Which is also Joan Rivers’ plastic surgeon’s motto.)

Ba-DUMP-bump!

We know a fellow who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

Here is a link to Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus: which you can use to share it with your very own personal friends who are currently birthdaying, be they MaryLandish,  NancyPantsic, or MungBean.  (The “Bean” in “MungBean” should, in this instance, be pronounced like the “-bian” in Nubian or lesbian.  (Although, now that We see it in print, We much prefer the alternative spelling.  To whom must We speak to propose a change to NuBean, LesBean, and OrsonBean?)): http://youtu.be/KlqQw4TppqY

Also, We promised YouPeople an exciting announcement regarding everybody’s favorite sketch comedy troupe, the WaitStaff, and here it is!

The WaitStaff Plays The Match Game!

The most hilarious, bawdy, risque game show from the 70s, 80s, and 90s returns with a spin that only the WaitStaff could give it! Featuring icons such as host Gene Rayburn and celebrity players extraordinaire like Charles Nelson Reilly and Bret Somers, as well as WaitStaff favorites like Jesus H. Christ and The Real Housewives of South Philly's Duchess, along with a few Extra Special Guest Stars, including the lovely and talented Sharon Geller and the talented and lovely Peter Patrikios, We'll be rocking L'Etage on May 2, 3, and 4.

The shows are at 7:30, and the doors open at 7. Tickets are $15, but, if you mention that you heard about the show in Eric’s Daily Horoscope, you'll get in for $10. And, if you're up for it, you could even be a Match Game contestant and win Fabulous Prizes! 

Tickets are ONLY available at the door, so get there early, get your drink on, and GET READY TO MATCH THE STARS!!!

We do hope to see you there.  (Here is a link to the SitOnMyFaceBook event, if you’d like to let Us know that you’re coming: http://www.facebook.com/events/377171015666589/ )


And, because its brilliance cannot be overstated, Our new motto:  Uranus is Our Rosebud.

And now, the HorrorScope:

Your exuberant energy (Our who?)

may cause friction with friends or colleagues today, but you should be able to avoid sticky situations without too much trouble. (What are We missing?  We thought the whole POINT of friction was to wind up in a sticky situation.)

Make sure you’re polite about it all!  (Buttah wouldn’t melt in Our mouth.  (What the hell does that even MEAN?))

Sometimes, even when you’re not looking for a new romance, one comes along and taps you on the shoulder. (Yeah.  That happens.  All the time.  Just never to Us.)

 But make no mistake (We thought We made a mistake once, but We were wrong.)

 — if that happens today, you have a choice. (Thank CHRIST!  Can We have an abortion, even though We are not pregnant?)

Go down this intriguing path only if you want to. (“Intriguing path” is, of course, a euphemism…)

Have faith that if it happens once, it can happen again. (“Déjà vu” = re-runs of The View. Discuss.)

Do not involve yourself in any type of emotional entanglement unless you’re completely ready.  (We are ALWAYS ready, thanks to Suave™’s Emotional Conditioner…)

(Why We don’t book commercial work, We’ll never know.)

If you’re not ready, trust that this person will wait for you to be ready.  (Who exactly is “this person” again?)

Stem the tide of isolation.  (Isn’t that an old Janis Ian song? (That whooshing sound you just heard was all the chirren running off to Google “Janis Ian” on Wikipedia.  (Although, by Our new rules proposed earlier, her name should now be JanisEan.)))

After all, you’re really a social dynamo in disguise  (Yes, we are disguised as an ottoman.  And not the kind with an empire, neither.)

— you’re just on a downswing right now. (Downward spiral, more like.)

So don’t be picky. (Can We be finicky?  Or can We be a choosy mother? (They choose Jif™, you know.  (No word yet on what choosy motherfuckers choose.)))

Accept every invitation that comes your way. (Who let all those crickets in here?)

Even if it sounds corny or dull, say yes. (Corny Ordull was, oddly enough, the valedictorian at Our high school.  Tall, skinny boy he was, with an ENORMOUS penis.  He played the Jews harp in the marching band.  (No one ever asked him to do that, but they couldn’t get him to stop.)  He came to a tragic end in an autoerotic mishap with a motorized trombone.  Herb Alpert spoke at his funeral, for reasons which were never made clear. )

You’ll be glad you did. (Sometimes, Kelli is just so eloquent.  And sometimes, she’s just quent.  This? Is one of those times.)


 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.