Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for DorisDay, April 26, 2012. Happy birthday to Raechal, who turns twenty-four today. Also, happy birthday to Letta, who also turns twenty-four today. Also also, happy birthday to Christina, who also also turns twenty-four today. Put ‘em all together, they’re seventy-two. Also the Andrews Sisters. Although We Our Own Self Personally are certainly not gonna decide who’s Patty, who’s Maxine, and who’s Laverne.
Meanwhile, how traumatized are We by the fact that, with so few brain cells left, We’ve got one entirely devoted to remembering the first names of the Andrew Sisters?
In other news, Our cell phone has taken to dropping dead an hour or so after being disconnected from the wall charger. Which certainly takes the “mo” out of “mobile”. (We have no idea what that last bit meant, but We just thought it up, and it sounded funny. Don’t think about it too hard, as We suspect that it gets less and less funny on further examination.) Using Our Madd Lezbian Technology Skillz, We have deduced that what We require is a new phone battery. (Either that, or several homing pigeons, and a subscription to The Pony Express.) So today, We shall be trundling about in the charming weather to obtain same.
We put out several feelers for second opinions on this phone issue last night, and We woke up with a start this morning when it occurred to Us that We may have used the phrase “Madd Lezbian Technology Skillz” in a forum where it could conceivably make some Lezbians Madd. But it turns out We didn’t. Because We’re classy like that.
Not, of course, that anyone ever worries about making Us madd. In fact, people seem to go out of their way. Why, fairly recently, We did what We thought was A Very Nice Thing for some people. All the while We were doing it, everyone agreed (to Our face(s), at least) that it was A Very Nice Thing. And when We were done? The crickets, they chirped. (We were reminded of this because We had a dream about these people last night. And, while We would like to believe that they also had a dream about Us, We are betting that isn’t so.)
On a lighter note (la): A pirate walks into a bar. He's got his pants down around his ankles, and a ship's wheel on his penis. He walks up to the bartender and goes "Yeeeargh... I'll take a beer please.”
The bartender looks him up and down quizzically and goes... "Uh... Alright. I'll get you that beer. But you DO realize you have a ship's wheel on your penis, right?"
The pirate nods, and says "Yeargh, I know...it's driving me nuts!"
Speaking of nuts… Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus. (The “nuts” joke will be doubly funny after you’ve seen it. Trust Us.) Which you will observe above. Also, here is the link with which to share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/KlqQw4TppqY
And, because its brilliance cannot be overstated, Our new motto: Uranus is Our Rosebud.
And now, the HorrorScope:
(Apparently, it is Channing Tatum’s birthday, and YouPeople neglected to remind Us to send a card.)
Communication is key today (Yes, but WHAT key? B Flat? F Sharp? Y Bother?)
— but keep it short and sweet! (Bite Us.)
Positive messages linger, but if you go on too long, you risk boring folks and making them forget whatever it is you want them to understand. (You know after all of Our years of experience at this, We can pretty much guarantee that the naked skimmers just nakedly skimmed past that last sentence. (However, We always enjoy a chance to stop and picture the naked skimmer that We always picture when We say “naked skimmers” . (He being, of course, a naked skimmer whom We have actually seen naked.)))
Normally, you’re not too comfortable with ultimatums (Or, indeed, most things beginning with U. Umbrellas. Urinals. Uranus. (Well, maybe not that last one. We’re actually very comfortable with Uranus. After all, Uranus is Our Rosebud. (That joke is just never gonna get old. And it’s so classy, too. Just like Us.)))
(Did it just occur to anyone else that “Us” begins with U? Just Us? Alrighty, then.)
— and rightfully so. (A needle pulling thread.)
But today, even you will come to realize how the sun is rapidly setting on your plans and push has definitely come to shove. (How cheerful!)
So you had better get ready to go the final mile today — book those tickets, make those dinner reservations, or commit to that new financial investment. (Wow. That’s a whole lot of activity for someone who doesn’t have two Boy Scouts to rub together.)
(Hmm…We seem to have mixed Our metaphors. Muddled them, if you will. With mint. A metaphor mojito, in a manner of speaking. Bottoms up!)
(It occurs to Us that, in these hallowed pages at any rate, “Bottoms up!” could be replaced by “Uranus!” Do you think We could make that catch on?)
(WHO said, “Stop trying to make ‘felch’ happen”?)
Whatever you’ve been putting off needs to be dealt with today. (Have you any idea how difficult it is to put off procrastinating?)
Tie up all the loose ends (And the Boy Scouts?)
— then you can relax. (We shall whistle while We whittle. (We’re fairly sure this is the first-ever use of the word “whittle” in these pages. And the last.))
Charming is your middle name today, (This is clearly an excellent spot for an audience participation contest. What do YouPeople think is the best response to “Charming is your middle name today”?)
so put it to good use when chatting with your current crush. (Unless he plans on showing up at Our front door, We won’t be “chatting” with him or anybody else until somebody shoves a new Energizer™ bunny up Our phone’s ass.)
No need to lay it on thick. (The jokes, they write themselves.)
Just be yourself and let your inner charisma do the work. (Ah, the old “inner charisma” trick.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.