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Monday, April 16, 2012

Peripatetic, poetic and chic

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for MoanLikeAHo…It’sMonday, April 16, 2012.   We trust you all had a terrific Titanic weekend; We know We did.  Of course, We’re the ONLY one who knows it, as We were left largely to Our Own devices.  Be afraid, be very afraid.  We noticed, for example, that We initially entitled yesterday’s Erix Daily Horoscope e-pissode (yes, a SUNDAY e-pissode; you lucky, lucky people) “It was sad when the good ship went down (to the bottom of the)” as opposed to the correct lyric, which is “It was sad when the GREAT ship went down (to the bottom of the)” (because the Titanic and The Good Ship Lollipop were apparently two different vessels), and nary a one of you corrected Us.  So, good looking out, there.

We also notice that the sentence in the preceding paragraph that begins “We noticed” has seventy-eight words in it, and We wonder, as We are wont to do, how many of them Our average naked skimmer actually read.  Or do Our naked skimmers just sort of skip from period to period, sort of like a peripatetic PMS patrol?  Naked skimmers, what say you?  Raise your eyes from your engorged genitalia and engage, dammit!


“Peripatetic” was pretty impressive though, no?

Instead of heading downa shore, as any sane person around these parts would be doing today, We Our Own Self Personally are off to a focus group.  As we have mentioned before in these hallowed pages, We do not focus well in groups; We much prefer to focus on one person at a time.  As those of you who have had dinner with Us in the past several weeks can attest.  Although One can easily imagine an extremely focused group comprised of the people with whom We have had dinner in the past several weeks.  Because We’re picky about Our friends like that.

We have no idea what the original point of that paragraph was, so We just stopped.  Because We have that power.

In other news, as We have mentioned several times already, the very talented gentlemen over at Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die are about a week away from the deadline of their KickStarter, so, if you haven’t yet donated, you should.  They have also made a second video, in which they share more behind-the-scenes (heh…she said “behind”) info about the project:

In still other news, We wrote the script for Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: TAURUS video over the weekend.  This will mark the completion of the series of the twelve signs of the zodiac, and will give you all an even dozen of Our accomplishments to resoundingly ignore.  Here, for example, is the current video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: ARIES, which you will no doubt neither watch yourselves, nor share on your friends SitOnMyFaceBook pages: 

Aaaaaannnndddd here’s a HorrorScope:

(Meanwhile, We have just learned that it is Jon Cryer’s birthday today.  Which has given Us a whole new lease on life.  Or whole new lice on a leash.  One of those.)

It’s time to think ahead  (Once We get out of Our focus group, We get to go to sketch comedy class, which will be fun.)

— you’ve got just the right kind of mental energy to make plans and consider all your options. (Our week is so planned out right now, We don’t have “options” till Friday.)

If you’re part of a larger group, (Focus?  Ficus?  Fuck Us?)

you should try to get buy-in before proceeding.  (Honey, they’re paying Us, not the other way around.)

You need to start thinking about long term things today  (Only if they catch Us.)

— both the fun ones and the not-so-fun ones. (Wanna bet which one there’ll be more of?)

Plan ahead for your next vacation, and you could get some very good rates on airfare or hotel. (“Free” would be a very good rate, yes?)

Plan ahead on your next career move, and you’ll be prepared when an unexpected opportunity presents itself.  (Indeed.  Because that “being Johnny Depp’s underwear” job doesn’t open up every day.)

Despite what one of your fun-loving friends may say, it’s simply not true that acting spontaneously creates a more exciting life — it usually only creates more chaos and stress.  (Then We shall no doubt be attempting it shortly.)

Someone in your group, or maybe just one degree removed, (Kevin Bacon?  Kevin Bacon’s ass?)

has something to offer in the way of romance now. (Jigga WUT?  Nobody never tells Us nothin’.)

Maybe it’s an introduction to something — or someone — new. (Or nude?)

Find out. (Easy for YOU to say.  See: “nobody never tells Us nothin’.”)

  And have We mentioned Our latest video? 

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.