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Friday, April 13, 2012

All the boys think she’s a spy

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FridaytheThirteenth, April 13st, 2012.  Happy Friday the 13th, aka Kevin Bacon’s Ass Day.  So named (for you newbies) because of the appearance of said ass in a movie called Friday the Thirteenth lo those many moons (heh) ago.  Of course, We have discussed this in these hallowed pages before, so, for you long-time Gentle Readers, We’ve made it so it sings:

And she'll tease you
She'll unease you
All the better just to please you
She's precocious
And she knows just what it
Takes to make a pro blush
She got Kyra Sedgwick's homegrown grass,
She's got Kevin Bacon's ass.

That, of course, was to the tune of Kim Carnes’ (WHO???) “Bette Davis Eyes”.  Meanwhile, somewhere in The Universe, Kevin Bacon’s ass is all a-tingle, and he has no idea why.  Unless he’s a closet Erix Daily Horoscope fan…

Apropos of nothing, it occurs to Us that this is the second time this week that We have used “lo” in a completely non-ironic way, and not preceded by “Wang Hung”.  We have no idea what this signifies, but we felt We should bring it to your attention.

Now on to weightier matters. (While We are certain that Kevin Bacon takes his ass very seriously, One could hardly describe it as “weighty”.)  The very talented gentlemen over at Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die are about a week away from the deadline of their KickStarter, so, if you haven’t yet donated, you should.  They have also made a second video, in which they share more behind-the-scenes (heh…she said “behind”) info about the project:

Now, lest you think this e-pisstle is all wrapped up in frivolous things like Kevin Bacon’s ass and Justin Bieber’s penis, We should like to point out that We had a dream about these gentlemen last night.  (No, gentlemen, not THAT kind of dream.  Get your minds out of the gutter…you’re crowding out Ours.)  In said dream, We were a guard at some sort of museum for religious artifacts.  (What the hell ever happened to good old-fashioned sex dreams, We haven’t got any idea.)  This “guarding” involved standing outside in the cold with a partner, and chanting for hours on end.  We had a partner, and Mike Doh and Greg Nix were fellow guards and partners.  Then Bech came along, disguised as a priest, with an ENORMOUS rosary, which We subsequently discovered he was using to smuggle surveillance devices and explosives into the museum.

Then We woke up.   (Without, We might add, ever discovering if “enormous rosary” was a euphemism or not. (We should point out that We first saw the preceding video when We woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t go back to sleep.  When We ultimately did go back to sleep, We had this dream.))

The point, however: give these gentlemen money.  KThxBye.

Here is the obligatory mention of Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: ARIES video, which you will neither watch yourselves, nor share on your friends SitOnMyFaceBook pages.  Why hasn’t Our little web series become world famous yet?: 

Aaaaaannnndddd here’s a HorrorScope:

You have got to take a rest today — otherwise, you’re likely to burn out! (Indeed.  Why, just yesterday, We exhausted Ourself by doing Our taxes.  You would think this would be child’s play, as we have no money, so what the hell can they tax?  However, as We are not a kabillionaire, and, therefore for some preposterous reason, exempt from taxes, trust Us, they find a way.  Sigh.)

Good energy is sure to come back to you, (Yeah.  ‘Cause THAT happens.)

but wouldn’t it be better to use it to do cool things (That Depends™…what are they?  Or, more importantly, WHO are they?)

rather than just heal up damage done today?  (What damn damage?)

Do not be afraid of embracing all of your opportunistic tendencies — sometimes, they are your best defense against falling into a lousy routine or succumbing to a rather boring life. (Too late.)

Picking up the ball when someone else drops it (This is one of those sports metaphors, yes?  And yet, every sportsy person We have ever known gets rather testy when We touch their balls.  So perhaps your metaphor is less than apt.)

is not a sign of disrespect to that person: It’s a wise way to make the best out of a negative situation. (And We are nothing if not an athletic supporter.)

You shouldn’t limit your own ambitions with a misplaced urge not to hurt anyone else’s feelings. (No worries.)

Looking out for ‘number one’ is not a crime.  (On the other hand, if you spend too much time looking out for Number One, you may step in Number Two.)

(We just made that up on the spot right this minute.  We may have to needlepoint a sampler.  (Whatever the hell that means.))

You’re shining so brightly today, unfortunately, you must defer to someone who’s less knowledgeable and fabulous than you. (Not to be immodest, but wouldn’t that be, oh, We don’t know, EVERYBODY?)

Don’t pout  (You’d better not cry, neither.)

— do what you can to help this person. (Sigh. Whatever.)

Even if your efforts go unnoticed, (And trust Us, they always do.)

you’ve returned some of that good energy to the universe. (An apathetic universe will no doubt be unavailable for comment.)

  And have We mentioned Our latest video? 

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.