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Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Gee, our old La Salle ran great

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Toothy, April 10, 2012.  Happy Easter Tuesday! (Actually, Our calendar doesn’t even call it Easter Tuesday, but We do so love a reason to celebrate.  Why, if it weren’t for the Orthodox folks celebrating Easter next Sunday, Our calendar wouldn’t have any upcoming holidays on it at all.)

Speaking of celebrating, We are still reeling from the outpouring of well-wishes on the occasion of Our 500th post in Bloggonia yesterday.  What We’ll do with all these crickets, We’ll never know.  If this were (subjunctively) Ethiopia, We’d no doubt eat them. Of course, with Our luck, they’d turn out to be fattening.  One wonders if that’s what happened to Sally Struthers.  Not that she ate fattening crickets, but that some Ethiopians ate some fattening crickets, and Sally ate the Ethiopians.

It tastes a village.

Having crafted the sentence “Sally ate the Ethiopians”, We now feel that We should use it to entitle something. But what?  (Butt twat?)

As you can see, We are feeling somewhat pithy thith morning.  Pithy and thuccinct.

Also, We keep coming up with titles for things, but not the actual things themselves.  For example, who wouldn’t be interested in some magnum opus involving two characters called Pithy and Succinct?  But every time We attempt to envision who these characters might be, Sally Struthers comes along and eats them.

Vacation time shares are still available in the windmills of Our minds.  Get yours today!

Here is the obligatory mention of Our latest  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video, which you will neither watch yourselves, nor share on your friends SitOnMyFaceBook pages: 

Aaaaaannnndddd here’s a HorrorScope:

Okay, when We go to collect Kelli’s ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) ravings, the first thing We see is some celebutard whose birthday it is.   Sunday, you will recall, was Taylor Kitsch.  Yesterday was Leighton Meester.   And today, Kelli is taunting Us with some birthday boy named Alex Pettyfer, who not only do We not have any idea who the fuck he is, but who also had the audacity to be born in 1990!  We have UNDERWEAR that are older than that.  Sure, they say “Tuesday” on the front, but they don’t say Tuesday of what year!

(Naturally, We keep naming all these child stars here so they wind up in Our celebrity index and We appear, to Google’s search engine at any rate, to be much, much hipper than We really are.  Of course, when the child stars Google themselves to see how much more famous they are today than yesterday (What?  Doesn’t EVERYBODY do that?), they will wonder what the hell they are doing in here with Sally Struthers.  Hopefully, she will eat them.)

Your fiery energy is pushing you in a new direction today — be sure you’re ready for it!  (We are going to the Italian market, then We are making sausage and peppers.  If We have any “fiery energy” left over, We will be watching Glee. We are apparently your gay Italian grandmother.  Hence the pornstache.)

You might meet up with a new person or try a new activity, (This is doubtful.)

but in one way or another, you are changing for the better!  (We have already changed.  We are wearing Our Tuesday panties.  If We change again, We’ll have to put Our panties in the time machine.  Which is in the credenza.  (The credenza?  Is in the time machine.  (It’s been a while since We’ve mentioned.  We thought We should say, to help the newbies catch up.  You’ve welcome. (Have a meatball.))))

Taking action is something you should take seriously today. (We already told you, We are shopping, and then cooking.  What do you want from Us, blood?)

It’s time. (Either that’s extraordinarily Pithy and Succinct, or Sally Struthers ate the rest of the sentence.)

(Is anyone else thinking “That’s Extraordinarily Pithy and Succinct” = That’s So Raven?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

If someone has been cutting you down or feeding you negative energy, (“If”???)

you need to stand up to them now — you are ready!  (Can’t We just sit down with the people who AREN’T doing that?)

Make sure this person knows that you have taken all you are going to take. (If this were (subjunctively) a musical, that would be a song cue.  And We would now be singing “And I Am Telling You, I’m Not Going”.  And trust Us, no one needs to see that.)

You need to establish boundaries that they can’t cross, and communicate to them what you will and will not accept. (We?  Ate a meatball off the floor right over there.  Where are all these “standards” We supposedly have coming from?)

They’ll be surprised by your boldness, (Then they clearly haven’t met Us.)

but they’ll go along with it.  (Or We’ll have Sally Struthers eat ‘em.)

A new local is just what you need to recharge your social batteries. (A new local WHAT?)

Ask coworkers and friends about their favorite places to get their groove on. (“Get their groove on”?  Seriously, Kelli?  What do YOUR panties say on the front? “Ye Olde Tuesday”?)

  And have We mentioned Our latest video? 

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.