It’s just a jump to the left

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  SayerDee, December 8, 2012.  Happy Hanukkah to Chaka Khan and her friends, Happy Feast Of The Immaculate Contraption to McDonna and her immaculate contraption-feasting friends (also, eeeuuuwww), Happy Birthday to Aaron, who turns twenty-four today, and also Happy Birthday to Bryan, who also turns twenty-four today, and Happy Birthday to Ian Somerhalder, who is gorgeous, and Happy Birthday to Flip Wilson, who is dead.

Our ass is pooped, and We have Things To Do.  This blogging-every-day crap is for Lady Bird Johnson.  So as soon as We do a little housekeeping (blog-wise), We will be treating you to A Very Special Encore Presentation of last year’s Pearl Harbor Day blog.

Here, in case you missed it yesterday, is where to get tickets to Heavy Metal Dance Fag:

http://www.annenbergcenter.org/tickets/?id=265#

Here, in case you’ve missed it every day since November 25, is the link with which to share Our Sagittarius video with your friends:

http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y

Meanwhile, this just in from Helen Keller on Twitter (Why, yes, We DO follow Helen Keller on Twitter; thanks for asking.): 

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

That awkward moment when a guy asks me if I'm currently seeing anyone.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Mom sent me to the corner store to get milk. I get back 4 days later with a carton of orange juice. FML.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Beethoven was deaf. So fuck all y'all.

And now, climb into the Way-Back Machine with Us as We revisit Pearl Harbor Day 2011:

Pearl’s a singer; she stands up when she plays the piano in a nightclub

(Hmmm, We said (in 2012)…where have We heard THAT recently?)

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for HumpDay, December 7, 2011.  Why, it seems like only yesterday (because it was) that We were making pearl necklace jokes, and suddenly here it is Pearl Bailey Day.  Tyne Daly fries when you slap her son.  Seventy years ago today, a Chinese food delivery went horribly wrong, and everybody was hungry again a half an hour later.  It was a day that will limp in infancy; it was the best of times, it was the Sunday Times; Jimmy craps corn, it’s in your hair.

Hey, what do you want from Us?  We have just finished writing the script for Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Capricorn edition.  And, as Our director/auteur/cinematographer/visionary/cameraman/muse is his own self a Capricorn, it promises to be extra special.  Or extra crispy.  Or something.  Please don’t strain yourself pretending to care, though; it’s not like you’ve broken your neck to watch this:

Or to share it with others:

http://youtu.be/e2dPKHOC8RI

And now, nice weather We’re under, no?  Here’s the HorrorScope:

Your hard work is finally starting to pay off, so kick back and see if you can get your people to celebrate with you. (We do hope that, eventually, We meet these “people” that We allegedly have, if only to chastise them for their constant inactivity on Our behalf.  To say nothing of Our bewhole.  (No, really…say NOTHING.))

It’s one of those days (Innit though?)

when your energy is better spent doing something new.  (Or something nude.  If only We weren’t writing Our fingers to the bone by day, and rehearsing Our boners to the finger by night, all to amuse YouPeople.  And do you share Our videos?  Do you buy Our tickets?  Do you tote Our barges, or lift Christian Bale?)

If at first you don’t succeed — well, you know the drill. (We’re pretty sure that’s not how that saying goes.)

But keep in mind that although this saying is trite, it’s absolutely true. (That’s why they sometimes say things are “trite but true”. (They also, although less frequently, say “this tutu’s tight”.  (Because ev’ry-thing…is bul-em-ic… at the ballet.)))

(If you are now singing that last bit in your head?  You are gay.  And not just a little bit gay, neither.  You are as gay as Paul Lynde in a pink feather boa fistf**king Charles Nelson Reilly in a lavender chiffon evening gown while Liberace’s poodle throws pansy petals at them.  At the opera.)

Perseverance is the only surefire way to get what you deserve in life. (Semi-automatic weapons are good, too.)

Ending a journey when you’re only halfway through is merely a waste of time. (Might as well just stay home, eh?)

You might have to wait longer than you want for results, but there is no way to rush destiny. (Although you might be able to rush Destiny’s Child.)

(That was a little pop culture reference, to prove that We have Our finger firmly on the pulse of pop culture.  And Moms Mabley.)

 You have to keep moving toward it, (And what was “it”, again?)

even if it turns out to be farther away than you thought.  (Well, if it’s that far off, don’t even tell Us what it is till We get there.  We’ve had enough disappointment to last a Lifetime TV Movie.)

Enthusiasm and passion are among your most fabulous traits, and now you can exercise them to their full extent.  (It is unclear whose horoscope this has suddenly become, but We’re pretty sure We’re not in Kansas any more.)

Unleash those powers of persuasion on whoever’s caught your eye. (Insert one-eyed hooker joke here.)

(Here endeth the blast from the past.  Stay tuned for another one tomorrow, as We will be in church.  (Hey, they’re new to the Holidailies™ people.))

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Pearl’s a singer; she stands up when she plays the piano in a nightclub

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for HumpDay, December 7, 2011.  Why, it seems like only yesterday (because it was) that We were making pearl necklace jokes, and suddenly here it is Pearl Bailey Day.  Tyne Daly fries when you slap her son.  Seventy years ago today, a Chinese food delivery went horribly wrong, and everybody was hungry again a half an hour later.  It was a day that will limp in infancy; it was the best of times, it was the Sunday Times; Jimmy craps corn, it’s in your hair.

Hey, what do you want from Us?  We have just finished writing the script for Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Capricorn edition.  And, as Our director/auteur/cinematographer/visionary/cameraman/muse is his own self a Capricorn, it promises to be extra special.  Or extra crispy.  Or something.  Please don’t strain yourself pretending to care, though; it’s not like you’ve broken your neck to watch this:

Or to share it with others:

http://youtu.be/e2dPKHOC8RI

In still other news, the WaitStaff’s Christmas show Tuesday, December 20 at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club: The Real Housewives Of South Philly Occupy Christmas… BUY. TICKETS. NOW:  https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/897  . 

And now, nice weather We’re under, no?  Here’s the HorrorScope:

Your hard work is finally starting to pay off, so kick back and see if you can get your people to celebrate with you. (We do hope that, eventually, We meet these “people” that We allegedly have, if only to chastise them for their constant inactivity on Our behalf.  To say nothing of Our bewhole.  (No, really…say NOTHING.))

It’s one of those days (Innit though?)

when your energy is better spent doing something new.  (Or something nude.  If only We weren’t writing Our fingers to the bone by day, and rehearsing Our boners to the finger by night, all to amuse YouPeople.  And do you share Our videos?  Do you buy Our tickets?  Do you tote Our barges, or lift Christian Bale?)

If at first you don’t succeed — well, you know the drill. (We’re pretty sure that’s not how that saying goes.)

But keep in mind that although this saying is trite, it’s absolutely true. (That’s why they sometimes say things are “trite but true”. (They also, although less frequently, say “this tutu’s tight”.  (Because ev’ry-thing…is bul-em-ic… at the ballet.)))

(If you are now singing that last bit in your head?  You are gay.  And not just a little bit gay, neither.  You are as gay as Paul Lynde in a pink feather boa fistfucking Charles Nelson Reilly in a lavender chiffon evening gown while Liberace’s poodle throws pansy petals at them.  At the opera.)

Perseverance is the only surefire way to get what you deserve in life. (Semi-automatic weapons are good, too.)

Ending a journey when you’re only halfway through is merely a waste of time. (Might as well just stay home, eh?)

You might have to wait longer than you want for results, but there is no way to rush destiny. (Although you might be able to rush Destiny’s Child.)

(That was a little pop culture reference, to prove that We have Our finger firmly on the pulse of pop culture.  And Moms Mabley.)

 You have to keep moving toward it, (And what was “it”, again?)

even if it turns out to be farther away than you thought.  (Well, if it’s that far off, don’t even tell Us what it is till We get there.  We’ve had enough disappointment to last a Lifetime TV Movie.)

Enthusiasm and passion are among your most fabulous traits, and now you can exercise them to their full extent.  (It is unclear whose horoscope this has suddenly become, but We’re pretty sure We’re not in Kansas any more.)

Unleash those powers of persuasion on whoever’s caught your eye. (Insert one-eyed hooker joke here.)

(Meanwhile, from the Erix Daily Horoscope Amazing Facts Department, every single celebrity in today's index?  Has been previously indexed here.  (Even Moms Mabley.))

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Running for the shelter of her Mother’s Little Helper

Greetings, Esthete Repeats Indiscreet Countertweet---

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, December 01, 2010 (Ah, December!  Clearly coming in like a lanai, and out like a lambada instructor.  (Whatever happened to the lambada?  Once a dance craze, now not even recognized by Micro$oft Weird™.  Sigh.  All good things must come to Our rear end.)  Happy birthday in advance to Blair, who turns twenty-four today. (As he is, We just recently learned, a New Reader of Erix Daily Horoscope, a veritable virgin with a hypothetical hymen…(ooops, sorry; We forgot Ourself.  Once again behaving in a manner We had sworn to eschew (gesundheit (thank you)))…We will deign to explain that the rain in Spain stays mainly in de plane, Boss, de plane…and also that We turn twenty-four over and over again until We get it right.  Although, if you were (subjunctively) looking at a pixture of Blair instead of whatever Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus It’s Too Fu(king Early in the Morning For A Hervé Villechaize Joke is up there staring you in the face, you would know that he did twenty-four pretty d@mn fine the first time around, just sayin’.):

(Speaking of rain, whoever is in charge of the back alley abortion that is today’s weather had better see to it that this cr@p has all ceased and desisted by tomorrow, as We have Places To Go And People To See.)

(It will no doubt be a fascinating glimpse into Our domestic goddesshood for you to learn that, as We are casting these pearls of wisdom before you, Our adoring swine (hmmm…that didn’t come out quite right, did it?), We are emptying the dishwasher and doing a load of laundry.  The tinsel, the glamour, the hustle, the bustle, the electricity in the air that is Our life!  Perhaps later, We shall put on a shirtwaist dress and pearls and run the vacuum.  (How odd that pearls appeared twice in this paragraph.  Pearl Bailey, Pearl S. Buck, Purlie Victorious Judson.))

(Anybody else still fixated on Blair’s hypothetical hymen?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

If you don't have a press secretary, photographer and personal assistant, you should probably ask around for a few numbers. (While We could certainly avail Ourselves of the first and the third, We’re pretty sure nobody needs to see a pixture of Us at this precise moment.)

Managing your social schedule at the moment isn't something you'll want to do alone.  (Little Rhoda and her social engagements…kiss Us quick, We’re Eileen Heckart.)

Of course, you might also enlist the aid of that delightful new friend of a friend.  (Wait…Our friends have other friends?!?  Who allowed THAT to happen?)

(Just in case the suspense was killing you, We have now moved the laundry to the dryer.  And the top rack of the dishwasher is empty.  How We don’t drop dead from the excitement, We’ll never know.)

Cancel your appointments and tell your friends not to worry. (Mmm-hmm.  ‘Cause We were knee-deep in all the concern.)

No one will see you for a while (Well, of course not.  What with Our @ssz eclipsing the sun and all.)

-- no one except that one particular person you've been craving, that is.  “Craving”?  Really?  This doesn’t bode well…are We gonna fu(k ‘em, or eat ‘em?)

 Remember when you had your wisdom teeth out and the dentist gave you those wonderful pills to help with the pain? (No.  Because We never had Our wisdom teeth out.   Hence all of this WISDOM.  You’re welcome, you lucky, lucky people.)

(The dishwasher is now empty.  Heigh-ho, the glamorous life!)

You'll feel even better than that.  (Than what?  A middle-aged hag with an empty dishwasher?  Gee, thanks.  At this rate, We’ll be working Our way UP to fishwife.)

 An authority figure (Skater),

 elder (Berry),

or trusted professional (Carpet cleaner)

(See, OUR way makes it more specific.  YOUR way was extremely vague.  Now, We’re betting on the authority figure skater.  Who would Brian Boitano do?)

will be only too happy to help you make the right impression. (…ist painting.)

All you have to do is smile. (Isn’t that a song from some musical? (Or, possibly, every musical written between 1936 and 1954?))

(Well, the laundry isn’t going to fold itself.  And if We’re going to vacuum in a shirtwaist dress, We’re gonna need to squeeze into Our Playtex Living Girdle™.  So catch ya on the flip side.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )