The head bone’s connected to the neck bone

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For WinesDay, May 29st, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Happy Birthday also to Gregory, who also turns twenty-four today, also (to the best of Our knowledge) in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Gregory is the cousin of Our second-cousin-in-law, which means, as near as We can tell, that he is no relation to Us whatsoever.

(If you have difficulty telling your inlaws from your outlaws, and deciding which of your relatives should be removed, here is a handy dandy little chart you may find useful:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Table_of_Consanguinity_showing_degrees_of_relationship.png  You’re welcome.)

 We are fairly certain that, in Our account of Our weekend in yesterday’s e-pissode, We neglected to mention that We had purchased a Christmas gift.  Don’t hate Us because We’re beautiful; hate Us because half of Our Christmas shopping is done.

In other other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.

For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:

Also, get your tickets NOW for the WaitStaff’s upcoming Spring Into Summer Match Game, this Friday and Saturday, May 31 and June 1, at 7:30 at L’Etage.  More info here:  https://www.facebook.com/events/422346354528494/  We are foregoing Our murder mystery paycheck for this, so (A.)  come see it now because (2.) that won’t be happening again anytime soon.

And now the HorrorScopes:

How odd that We were just speaking of Mrs. Garrett, Blair, Tootie, and that lot yesterday, and today is Lisa Whelchel’s birthday.  It is also John F. Kennedy’s birthday, a fact which is newsworthy because We just heard that Rob Lowe will be playing him in a fillum.  We, of course, have not yet even seen Mr. Lowe’s appearance in the Liberace biopic yet, as YouPeople never invite Us anywhere, and We do not have HBO.  Which means, also, that We have missed the most recent cinematic update on Matt Damon’s ass. How We continue to live on the planet is a mystery to Us.

You have to be the brains of the organization today (Fine, as long as We get to have a long (heh) chat with whoever is being the penis of the organization today.)

— even if that role makes you somewhat uncomfortable.  (Are you kidding?  Being the brains of the organization?  Child’s play!  Try being the uvula of the organization.  Or, even worse, the frenulum of the organization.  Now THAT’S acting. (Although Matt Damon’s ass could probably do it.))

You can at least help people get organized so you can collectively tackle the big issues you face.  (Wait…We’re already being the brains of the organization…somebody else is gonna have to be the face.  (Anatomy is complexicated…is one person gonna play both balls of the organization, or will that be two people?  And will the scrotum of the organization be somebody different entirely?)

(We are so confused.)

You cannot be the leader all the time, (A mere two sentences ago, you told Us We had to be the brains of the organization.  Make up your asshatted mind, you asshatic asshat.)

and it is important for you to learn how to step back and hand control over (Oh, lord, the hands of the organization…one people?  Two people?  Separate people for the fingers?  The palms?  ‘Tis a slippery slope, this.)

to someone else when the situation requires it. (Not to mention when the situation COMEDY requires it.  (No, seriously…don’t mention it.))

Today, make sure that you know when to toss in your ideas and when to bite your tongue (STOP NAMING BODY PARTS!  Jeebus!)

— there are delicate yet powerful egos involved, (Leggo Our ego.)

and you wouldn’t want to tick any one of them off!  (We might wanna PISS ‘em off, though, and We will, as soon as We figger out which one of YouPeople is the penis of the organization.)

(We just mistyped “penis” as “pensi”.  Micro$oft Weird™ naturally marked it as misspelled, but did not offer “penis” as a suggested correction.  That, to Us, pretty much sums up everything that’s wrong with Micro$oft Weird™. (Like your scrotum, there it is in a nutshell.))

Don’t get hung up on titles (Get hung up, instead, on titties…one people or two?   A different people (or two different peoples) for the nipples?)

— it could be holding you back.  (STOP THAT!)

Though you are totally individual, (Also indefatigably indivisible.  (As well as magically delicious.))

(What was the question?)

you’ve got a crazy knack for tracking down like-minded folks right now. (Like-minded folks being, of course, different from as-minded folks, but not necessarily different from ass-minded folks.  (Especially Matt Damon’s ass-minded folks.  (See how We brought that all full-circle?  (We are A Highly-Trained Professional…do not attempt this at home.))))

The sparks fly (As the Spanx™ fly off?)

as powerful personalities come together and create all kinds of new trouble.  (Or that.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have---

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for SunDee, December 2th, 2012. (We just mistookenly typed the year as “2010”, inspiring Ourself to throw open the vaults (much as another Holidailies™ writer caused Us to imagine her yesterday “throwing up lights”) and root through the archives like a pig looking for Ruffles™ (they have ridges, you know) to ascertain what We were doing on This Day In History.   Turns out, We were Flying The Friendly Skies to Saint Penisburg/Tampon to visit Our Sistah Ovella in honor of the twenty-fourth anniversary of her nativity.  Thyme fries when you’re serving nuns.

In other news, Happy Birthday to Blair, who turns twenty-four today.  The original Blair, Lisa Whelchel, is, of course, currently appearing on Suhvivah.  (We have previously related the story of Our Sistah Ovella and The Blairs in these pages, but for the benefit of Our new Holidaily™ readers We shall throw up the vaults and briefly bad-touch upon it again:

A few years back, prior to turning twenty-four, Our Sistah Ovella was in graduate school in another state studying Mister French (ask her about her experiences with the Hubble telescope) when she decided that, to save on commuting, she would take lodging in said state during the week.  She quickly found some fellow students with a room to let…fifty cents.  No phone, no pool, no pets.  I ain’t got no cigarettes….

Ooops…We forgot Ourself.

At any rate, being the sort of sistahs who enjoy a good jest, We quickly decided that, because of her advanced years (she was, after all, on the verge of twenty-four), Ovella was Mrs. Garrett and her roommates were the cast of The Facts of Life. However, upon being provided with photographic evidence, We quickly discovered that there was not so much as a Jo, a Natalie, or a Tootie in the bunch, and thus redubbed them “The Blairs”.

Meanwhile, can there be any question that “bevy” is the correct collective noun for Blairs?  Much as geese come in gaggles (and, presumably, in other geese) and crows come in murders (and, presumably, in other crows), Blairs clearly come in bevies (and, presumably…well, you know).  Drove my bevy to the levee in my Chevy, and all that.)

Our ultimate point being (ah, you thought We had forgotten?  Silly Glasshoppah!  Cricks are for squids!  Try to snatch the pebble from Our snatch!)

(What?  Any idiot can snatch a pebble from someone’s palm.))

…that the Blair to whom We are wishing Happy Birthday today is also clearly not a Jo, a Tootie, or a Natalie.  Also, he is really named Blair.

This just in from Helen Keller on Twitter (Why, yes, We DO follow Helen Keller on Twitter; thanks for asking): 

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

#YourTextGotIgnoredBecause I forgot to put my phone on vibrate.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

I thought I met a really nice guy today. Turns out it was just the mailbox.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

I think my boyfriend's giving me the silent treatment...

In still other news (We are not used to doing this on the weekend, and We have a kabillion things to do),  Our most recent Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video, which you can see above, is somewhat of a departure for Us, and the reviews so far have all been raves, many people referring to it as Our “best video ever”.  So give it a look-see, won’t you?

Meanwhile, if each of you who is reading this right now used the following link to share the aforementioned most recent video with a friend:

http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y   …two more whole people would have seen it by the end of the day!

Alternatively, if each of you who is nakedly skimming this right now shared it, Starzina would rule the known universe.  (After you do that, please sext Us a picture of yourself counting to twenty-one.  KThxBye.)

(Apropos of nothing and completely randomly, here is last year’s Sagittarius video for your comparing pleasure:

)

And here’s the HorrorScope:

Happy Birthday to One-Hit-Wonder Nelly Furtado (she’s like a bird, don’t’cha know?).  Also to Why-ANY-Hits-We-Wonder, Britney Spears.

Get things rolling today — your energy is just right for giving that gentle nudge that ensures events take place without your having to direct every little detail. (Is it just Us, or did that sound like the script from a laxative commercial?)

It may get crazy!  (It sure may!  We’re gonna empty the dishwasher!  And write out Our Christmas cards!  And maybe watch some Mad Men! Cowabunga!)

(Did we just say “cowabunga”?  Kelli was right, it got crazy.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to know that We’ve spelled “cowabunga” incorrectly.  But does it have any suggestions for how we might spell it properly?  NOOOOOO. Fuck you, Micro$oft Weird™.)

Ugly emotions are burbling up inside you today, and it doesn’t much matter why. (Is this entire HOROSCOPE the script of a laxative commercial?)

 What matters is how you deal with them. (Apparently so.)

Process these emotions by expressing them. (POOP!)

If you are upset with someone, don’t suppress it. (Cut off their head and poop down their neck.)

If you are confused about your feelings for someone, let them know. (We would, but they’d most likely nakedly skim past it.)

Don’t underestimate other people by always assuming they will react in the worst possible way. (Oh, of course not.  Every so often, they react in the NEXT TO the worst possible way, just to confuse Us.  Bastards.)

They have a lot more empathy than you think. (On the other hand, almost no one ever has enough tympani.)

Be vulnerable and tell them how you feel.  (Isn’t “vulnerable” a peculiar word?  “Able to be vulnered”…what does that even MEAN?)

Love is lighthearted right now, due to your overwhelming popularity. (Also due to Our lack of a heart.)

Paradoxically, all this easy-breezy freedom (Are We back to the laxative commercial?)

gives you and a new romantic prospect room to get closer, (Hmmmm….)

 if that’s what the two of you want. (And, just in the nick of time (Who is this “Nick” guy, anyway?), We’re OUTTIE!!!)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.