Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ToozDee, Deviated
Septum Burl Evans. (There is, of course, no celebrity named Burl Evans. There is Burl Ives, but he is no good to Us
here, plus, it’s a little early for Frosty
the Snowman. (Although OurPatrickInGreaterBostonia (which suddenly sounded
suspiciously akin to Our Father Who Art In Heaven, which is bizarre) yesterday
mentioned that he had purchased his first Christmas present. How cute!
We already have dozens purchased, wrapped, and transported to The
Sainted Mother’s awaiting the erection (ahem) of the Christmas tree.))
Don’t
hate Us because We’re beautiful; hate Us because We have 75% of Our Christmas
shopping done.
Speaking
of Burl Evans, Our WorldWideInterWebNetz inform Us that there are seven Burl Evanses
within these United States. Three in
Fayetteville, North Carolina, two in Nacogdoches, Texas, one in Taylorville,
Mississippi, and one in Hot Springs Village, Arkansas. Every so often We are struck dumb (watch it)
by the absurdity of the quantity of information at Our very fingertips.
Switching
gears, We would be remiss if We did not wish you many joyous felicitations of
the day. We refer, naturally, to Lola
Falana’s birthday, for which you have no doubt been feverishly baking cupcakes
and chilling champagne since at least yesterday. So Happy Lola Falana’s birthday, everybody!
That
said, We feel as though We are forgetting something. If only some kind-hearted
soul or another would update his or her SitOnMyFaceBook status to tell Us what
We should be remembering…
In
other news, on Friday and Saturday, We played The Match Game in front
of sold-out houses. (We just had to check the spaces in that last
bit. Because “sold-out houses” and “sold-outhouses” are not at all
the same thing.) If We are selling out
this early in the run (and We are), it means you need to get your tickets
yesterday, if not sooner. Here is where
you can do that:
http://livearts-fringe.ticketleap.com/real-housewives-of-south-philly-play-match-game/#view=calendar
.
Those
of you who are fans of Our Sistah Ovella, aka Bob Mason, will want to mark your
calendars that he will be playing Mister Charles Nelson Reilly at this
Wednesday’s 7:30 and 9:30 shows.
Here
is what the City Paper reviewer had to say about Our little epic: http://www.citypaper.net/blogs/criticalmass/FRINGE-REVIEW-Real-Housewives-of-South-Philly-Play-Match-Game-.html
And here is Our Own
Personal most recent claim to fame: http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html
Here
is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with
your morning horoscope:
Here’s
the HorrorScope:
Try
not to self-edit today (No shit, muthafuckah…We might accidentally deprive
YouPeople of some of these pearl necklaces of wisdom.)
(You
might want to avoid the accompanying visual of the preceding. (Too late, you say? Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.))
—
hit ‘send’ after composing that angry email, let fly with whatever comes to
mind in the heat of the moment, and let your impulses go wild…until the law
intervenes, anyway. (Wait, wait, wait…so
this was a trick ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulation)?)
You’ve
been sailing along nicely and capably navigating the most threatening waters
for a good long while, (Well, you know what They say: you can’t spell “nautical” without “naughty”.)
(Actually,
They don’t say that. Or anything
remotely like it. In fact, in the
history of saying things, absolutely no one has ever said that particular thing
before. TILL NOW.)
and
you should be proud of how you’ve handled yourself recently. (We have to handle
Ourself. No one else will touch Us with
a ten-foot Pole.)
(From
the Little-Known Fact Department, very few Poles ever grow to a height of ten
feet. However, when they do, it is safe
to assume that they have very large penises.
Especially the women.)
(Didja
hear the one about the Polish lesbian?
She liked men.)
This
pride will continue to carry you onward, but you should be on the lookout for a
few obstacles. (Obstacles? In OUR
life? Say it isn’t so.)
If
your ship encounters especially choppy waters, (Are We still contemplating this
naval metaphor?)
you
may just spring an emotional leak. (Remind Us to come back and insert a
watersports joke here later.)
You
will have to plug the hole for now (That’s the most sensible thing you’ve said
in YEARS, Kelli. Get Johnny Depp on the
phone.)
—
you can deal with a more substantial repair once you’re in a safe harbor.
(Which is, of course, just around the corner from Pearl Necklace Harbor.)
(What?)
Shake
off petty incidents from the past. (Also, shake shake shake, shake shake shake,
shake your booty, shake your booty. (In
keeping with Our naughty nautical theme, We would like to point out that “booty”
is a pirate word. Arrrrrggghhh!))
You’ve
got your eyes on the real thing when it comes to romance, (Oh, please. “Real thing”, Our ever-expanding ass! You know who doesn’t let you down, or stand
you up? Inflatable dolls.)
and
you can’t afford to be weighed down by unimportant details. (We can’t even afford
to pay attention.)
It’s
time to focus on what truly matters to you.
(In the navy
Yes, you can sail the seven seas
In the navy
Yes, you can put your mind at ease…)
Yes, you can sail the seven seas
In the navy
Yes, you can put your mind at ease…)
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile,
why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual
ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek
here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal
blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the
Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
