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Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ToozDee, Deviated Septum Burl Evans. (There is, of course, no celebrity named Burl Evans.  There is Burl Ives, but he is no good to Us here, plus, it’s a little early for Frosty the Snowman. (Although OurPatrickInGreaterBostonia (which suddenly sounded suspiciously akin to Our Father Who Art In Heaven, which is bizarre) yesterday mentioned that he had purchased his first Christmas present.  How cute!  We already have dozens purchased, wrapped, and transported to The Sainted Mother’s awaiting the erection (ahem) of the Christmas tree.))

Don’t hate Us because We’re beautiful; hate Us because We have 75% of Our Christmas shopping done.

Speaking of Burl Evans, Our WorldWideInterWebNetz inform Us that there are seven Burl Evanses within these United States.  Three in Fayetteville, North Carolina, two in Nacogdoches, Texas, one in Taylorville, Mississippi, and one in Hot Springs Village, Arkansas.  Every so often We are struck dumb (watch it) by the absurdity of the quantity of information at Our very fingertips.

Switching gears, We would be remiss if We did not wish you many joyous felicitations of the day.  We refer, naturally, to Lola Falana’s birthday, for which you have no doubt been feverishly baking cupcakes and chilling champagne since at least yesterday.  So Happy Lola Falana’s birthday, everybody!

That said, We feel as though We are forgetting something. If only some kind-hearted soul or another would update his or her SitOnMyFaceBook status to tell Us what We should be remembering…

In other news, on Friday and Saturday, We played The Match Game in front of sold-out  houses.  (We just had to check the spaces in that last bit.  Because “sold-out  houses” and “sold-outhouses” are not at all the same thing.)  If We are selling out this early in the run (and We are), it means you need to get your tickets yesterday, if not sooner.  Here is where you can do that:

Those of you who are fans of Our Sistah Ovella, aka Bob Mason, will want to mark your calendars that he will be playing Mister Charles Nelson Reilly at this Wednesday’s 7:30 and 9:30 shows.

Here is what the City Paper reviewer had to say about Our little epic:

And here is Our Own Personal most recent claim to fame:

Here is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Try not to self-edit today (No shit, muthafuckah…We might accidentally deprive YouPeople of some of these pearl necklaces of wisdom.)

(You might want to avoid the accompanying visual of the preceding.  (Too late, you say?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.))

— hit ‘send’ after composing that angry email, let fly with whatever comes to mind in the heat of the moment, and let your impulses go wild…until the law intervenes, anyway.  (Wait, wait, wait…so this was a trick ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulation)?)

You’ve been sailing along nicely and capably navigating the most threatening waters for a good long while, (Well, you know what They say:  you can’t spell “nautical” without “naughty”.)

(Actually, They don’t say that.  Or anything remotely like it.  In fact, in the history of saying things, absolutely no one has ever said that particular thing before.  TILL NOW.)

and you should be proud of how you’ve handled yourself recently. (We have to handle Ourself.  No one else will touch Us with a ten-foot Pole.)

(From the Little-Known Fact Department, very few Poles ever grow to a height of ten feet.  However, when they do, it is safe to assume that they have very large penises.  Especially the women.)

(Didja hear the one about the Polish lesbian?  She liked men.)

This pride will continue to carry you onward, but you should be on the lookout for a few obstacles. (Obstacles?  In OUR life?  Say it isn’t so.)

If your ship encounters especially choppy waters, (Are We still contemplating this naval metaphor?)

you may just spring an emotional leak. (Remind Us to come back and insert a watersports joke here later.)

You will have to plug the hole for now (That’s the most sensible thing you’ve said in YEARS, Kelli.  Get Johnny Depp on the phone.)

— you can deal with a more substantial repair once you’re in a safe harbor. (Which is, of course, just around the corner from Pearl Necklace Harbor.)


Shake off petty incidents from the past. (Also, shake shake shake, shake shake shake, shake your booty, shake your booty.  (In keeping with Our naughty nautical theme, We would like to point out that “booty” is a pirate word.  Arrrrrggghhh!))

You’ve got your eyes on the real thing when it comes to romance, (Oh, please.  “Real thing”, Our ever-expanding ass!  You know who doesn’t let you down, or stand you up?  Inflatable dolls.)

and you can’t afford to be weighed down by unimportant details. (We can’t even afford to pay attention.)

It’s time to focus on what truly matters to you.

(In the navy 
Yes, you can sail the seven seas 
In the navy 
Yes, you can put your mind at ease…)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.