Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WeenzDay, September
5, 2012. It is clearly not Hump Day, as
immediately following Eva Gabor Day weekend, all y’all had yesterday off for
Beyoncé ‘s birthday. Poor Dweezil Zappa,
celebrating his birthday the day after hers, when y’all have to go back to
work. Also, poor Dweezil Zappa, being a
grown man named “Dweezil”. Also “Zappa”.
Yeah,
clearly We got nothin’. Apparently, the WaitStaff has received some lovely
press in today’s Philadelphia Weekly;
unfortunately, the online version of same is still last week’s e-dition. How the hell does THAT work, people?
We
shall keep an eye out (insert one-eyed hooker joke here) to see if that changes
by the time We publish this. We are
dawdling over today’s e-pissode, as (A.) We clearly have nothing to say
(seriously…an Eva Gabor joke AND a Dweezil Zappa joke? In the same paragraph?) and (2.) immediately following today’s
publication, We have to write a detailed report containing absolutely no
details about a production that may or may not happen six weeks from now, with
no idea what personnel or resources will be available, and still appear as
though We have been Crystal Clear. Or
possibly Krystle Carrington. It’s not
unlike being back at the EAC, except We can do it in Our very own kitchen. You will just have to imagine that We are
dressed as Krystle Carrington, though.
No way are We putting on shoulder pads and a peplum before noon.
Meanwhile,
is anyone else alarmed by the fact that We apparently have an entire brain cell
devoted to remembering how Krystle Carrington’s first name was spelled?
(In
other news, Our diligence has paid off…here ya go, the article in question: http://www.philadelphiaweekly.com/arts-and-culture/stage/funky_four_plus_one_more-168536276.html
You’re welcome.)
Here is the link to Our
Groovy Reader of the Month article, in case you were too busy licking birthday
cake off of Beyoncé to notice earlier in
the week: http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html
(And yes, We DO
actually type “Beyonc café” to obtain the little accent gizmo.)
Also, of course, this coming Friday is the
opening of the Philadelphia Fringe Festival, and, coincidentally, the opening
of the WaitStaff’s The Real
Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game! , for which you will obtain
your tickets here: http://livearts-fringe.ticketleap.com/real-housewives-of-south-philly-play-match-game/#view=calendar
Here
is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with
your morning horoscope:
Here’s
the HorrorScope:
Kelli,
meanwhile, would like Us to know that it is Idris Elba’s birthday. Who or what is an Idris Elba? (We just Googled him on Wikipedia; We still
have no idea. We are thinking perhaps
someone made him up so Dweezil Zappa could feel better about his name.)
You
need to look very carefully today (Why?
Are We hunting wabbits?)
—
things just aren’t as smooth as you thought they were, and it could be that you
need to deal with an obstacle that arises quite suddenly. (Ya know, if you read that last bit just
right, it’s really, really dirty.)
(Not
that there’s anything wrong with that.)
(We
just accidentally typed “wrong” without the W.
It looked like a Chinese phone book in here.)
(We
also occidentally typed it. Because We
are a cunning linguist.)
Any
problems that pop up will be easy to identify — and easy to solve. (That would
seem to contradict what you said in the first part. (Why are We not surprised?))
You
are in charge here, (Don’t let the dustbunnies hear you say that.)
so
do not let anyone rush you. (Oh, trust
Us, We won’t. We are totally not looking
forward to Our next task.)
Your
insight is the most valuable possession you will ever have, (How sad for Us.)
so
cherish it and exercise it like you would exercise any other muscle. (Zzzzzzzz….)
Listen
to your gut when it comes to any business or financial dealings today. (Was that a fat joke?)
Any
contracts put in front of you today will have some mighty small type — and
you’d better read every single word. (Um, We are Krystle Carrington…doesn’t Our
husband read the contracts?)
Some
moody business is added to the mix today, so get ready. (We told you yesterday…We
don’t have periods any more.)
New
people are interested in you romantically, (Well, where are these new people?)
but you may feel like you just want what’s familiar and easy. (Oh, please. We will take what We can get.)
Find
some kind of middle ground. (Don’t tell Us what to do.)
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile,
why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual
ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek
here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
No comments:
Post a Comment