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Wednesday, September 5, 2012

The nicest girl ashore is Singapore Sue

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WeenzDay, September 5, 2012.  It is clearly not Hump Day, as immediately following Eva Gabor Day weekend, all y’all had yesterday off for Beyoncé ‘s birthday.  Poor Dweezil Zappa, celebrating his birthday the day after hers, when y’all have to go back to work.  Also, poor Dweezil Zappa, being a grown man named “Dweezil”.  Also “Zappa”.

Yeah, clearly We got nothin’. Apparently, the WaitStaff has received some lovely press in today’s Philadelphia Weekly; unfortunately, the online version of same is still last week’s e-dition.  How the hell does THAT work, people?

We shall keep an eye out (insert one-eyed hooker joke here) to see if that changes by the time We publish this.  We are dawdling over today’s e-pissode, as (A.) We clearly have nothing to say (seriously…an Eva Gabor joke AND a Dweezil Zappa joke?  In the same paragraph?)  and (2.) immediately following today’s publication, We have to write a detailed report containing absolutely no details about a production that may or may not happen six weeks from now, with no idea what personnel or resources will be available, and still appear as though We have been Crystal Clear.  Or possibly Krystle Carrington.  It’s not unlike being back at the EAC, except We can do it in Our very own kitchen.  You will just have to imagine that We are dressed as Krystle Carrington, though.  No way are We putting on shoulder pads and a peplum before noon.

Meanwhile, is anyone else alarmed by the fact that We apparently have an entire brain cell devoted to remembering how Krystle Carrington’s first name was spelled?

(In other news, Our diligence has paid off…here ya go, the article in question:   You’re welcome.)

Here is the link to Our Groovy Reader of the Month article, in case you were too busy licking birthday cake off of Beyoncé  to notice earlier in the week:

(And yes, We DO actually type “Beyonc café” to obtain the little accent gizmo.)

Also, of course, this coming Friday is the opening of the Philadelphia Fringe Festival, and, coincidentally, the opening of the WaitStaff’s The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game! , for which you will obtain your tickets here:

Here is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Kelli, meanwhile, would like Us to know that it is Idris Elba’s birthday.  Who or what is an Idris Elba?  (We just Googled him on Wikipedia; We still have no idea.  We are thinking perhaps someone made him up so Dweezil Zappa could feel better about his name.)

You need to look very carefully today (Why?  Are We hunting wabbits?)

— things just aren’t as smooth as you thought they were, and it could be that you need to deal with an obstacle that arises quite suddenly.  (Ya know, if you read that last bit just right, it’s really, really dirty.)

(Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

(We just accidentally typed “wrong” without the W.  It looked like a Chinese phone book in here.)

(We also occidentally typed it.  Because We are a cunning linguist.)

Any problems that pop up will be easy to identify — and easy to solve. (That would seem to contradict what you said in the first part.  (Why are We not surprised?))

You are in charge here, (Don’t let the dustbunnies hear you say that.)

so do not let anyone rush you.  (Oh, trust Us, We won’t.  We are totally not looking forward to Our next task.)

Your insight is the most valuable possession you will ever have, (How sad for Us.)

so cherish it and exercise it like you would exercise any other muscle.  (Zzzzzzzz….)

Listen to your gut when it comes to any business or financial dealings today.  (Was that a fat joke?)

Any contracts put in front of you today will have some mighty small type — and you’d better read every single word. (Um, We are Krystle Carrington…doesn’t Our husband read the contracts?)

Some moody business is added to the mix today, so get ready. (We told you yesterday…We don’t have periods any more.)

New people are interested in you romantically, (Well, where are these new people?)

 but you may feel like you just want what’s familiar and easy. (Oh, please.  We will take what We can get.)

Find some kind of middle ground. (Don’t tell Us what to do.)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.