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Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Batman! Batman! Batman!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  WinesDay, September 19, 2012.  We have decided that it is going to be A Very Good Day.  Not only do We get to play The Match Game later…TWICE…but Our day started off with a dream in which Johnny Depp actually appeared.  Plus, the new season of Survivor starts tonight, AND it’s Adam West’s birthday. So the people and circumstances who are conspiring to disappoint Us will just have to wait till tomorrow.

Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.

It is also the birthday of Impossibly Good-Looking Kevin Zegers, but until he starts appearing in Our dreams like Johnny Depp does, he’ll get no cake from Us.

Tickets, meanwhile, are selling like hotcakes for The Match Game, so grab yours quick before they’re gone:  There are only six more shows:  tonight at 7:30 and 9:30, Friday and Saturday at 7:30, and Sunday at 6 and 8.  People were seriously complaining on Sunday that their faces hurt from laughing so hard.  We are NOT making that up.

Here is a little interview given by Jesus H. Christ, who is a Match Game celebrity:

Here is what the City Paper reviewer had to say about Our little epic:

Here is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

Here’s the HorrorScope:

You’re going through a phase of pretty intense healing energy (Oh, is that what that is?  We thought it was gas.)

(Why Engrish Is Difficult:  shouldn’t “was gas” rhyme?  Think about it…)

— and it should bring about a sense of renewed commitment. (Why?  They haven’t managed to have Us committed yet.)

It may be to your family or relationship — or to something much bigger.  (Was that a fat joke?)

There will be a lot of emotions swirling around you today. (Insert toilet-flushing metaphor here.)

It will seem like every time you walk into a room, someone will be laughing, crying, arguing or in some other extreme state of emotion. (Note to Self:  stay out of rooms.)

Your job is to try to stay as objective as possible in each situation. (What if all We can manage is “objectionable”?)

Be supportive of your friends, (And be especially supportive of your friends’ athletes.)

(Much like a Make-Your-Own-Bloody-Mary bar at Sunday brunch, that was a Make-Your-Own-Joke bar.  You’re welcome.  (See how easy We made it for you?))

but do not get too involved in the melodrama that will be unfolding in front of you. (But We can’t pay the rent!  But you MUST pay the rent!)

(Get it?)

If you do, you could lose your balance and get distracted away from important goals you’re working on.  (To say nothing of the important goalies We’re working on.  (That is a call back to the “athletic supporter” joke from earlier. (We are a Highly-Trained Professional.  Do not try this at home.)))

Your life’s been a complete and utter mess lately. (Way to sugar-coat it.  Bitch.)

Suddenly, someone totally unexpected swoops in to make it better. (Johnny Depp!  What are YOU doing here?)

Who is this knight in shining armor? (We just told you…it’s Johnny Depp.  Try to keep up.)

Take note. (We suspect We’ll be hitting a high C.  (How about a nice Hawaiian Punch™?))


They’ll make another appearance soon.  (Yeah.  Like We’re gonna let him LEAVE.)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.