Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, September 06, 2012. Sigh. Our life, she has apparently become, how you say, predictable. For example, if We are unable to sleep from, say, 3AM till 6AM-ish, what will happen on Our Street Where We Live when We finally doze off?
But then, you knew that. Because if you had a jackhammer? You’d jackhammer in the morning. You might possibly also jackhammer in the evening, and possibly all over this land. But you would CERTAINLY jackhammer on Our Street Where We Live.
Meanwhile, how stalker-y is that stupid song? Not the “If I Had A Jackhammer” one, the “On the Street Where You Live” one. That dude is totally creeping on that chick. You just know there’re unsung verses where he peeps in her bedroom window, and steals her panties off the clothesline.
In other news, We are off to a Jawb this afternoon. We are participating in a survey on Indelicate Subjects. We hope We can keep a straight face. Well, We hope We can keep the face We have from cracking up hysterically.
In birthday news, happy birthday to Debbie, who turns twenty-four today in Oregon or some such place. We don’t think she actually reads these e-pisstles, even though We read her e-pisstles religiously (see what We did there?)…how izzat fair?
Also, Kelli would have Us believe that it is still Idris Elba’s birthday. We still don’t know who the fuck he is, but apparently he gets a forty-eight hour birthday. Other sources inform Us that today is the birthday of someone called Fanny Wright, who “found a commune in Tennessee”…is anybody missing a commune? And also of someone called Dallas Friday (We suspect her mother was heavily medicated and without her reading glasses when she was filling out forms in the obstetrics department) who “started her career as a gymnasty”. That’s MISS Friday, if you’re gymnasty. A gymnasty, of course, is someone who leaves the parallel bars perpendicular after she is finished using them.
ThankYouVeryMuch, We’llBeHereAllWeek, Don’tForgetToTipYourWaiter, and TryTheVeal.
Speaking of where We’ll be all week…er, month, tomorrow is the opening of the Philadelphia Fringe Festival, and, coincidentally, the opening of the WaitStaff’s The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game! , for which you will obtain your tickets here: http://livearts-fringe.ticketleap.com/real-housewives-of-south-philly-play-match-game/#view=calendar .
Hear the WaitStaff’s praises sung here: http://www.philadelphiaweekly.com/arts-and-culture/stage/funky_four_plus_one_more-168536276.html
And Our Own Personal praises sung here: http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html
Here is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:
Here’s the HorrorScope:
(We just took a quick peek at Our Google-O-Meter™ to see if there was any joke fodder lying there un-unearthed. For the last time, people, We have no idea how big Raymond Burr’s penis was. Jeebus.)
(Meanwhile, it has come to Our attention that this is Our 600th e-pissode in Bloggonia. We are going to sit here and wait till someone brings Us cake.)
Your hard work is starting to pay off today, so make the most of this time and see if you can push things forward a little bit. You may find that your people are slowing down, though. This morning, what seems like an innocent conversation to you might hold an entirely different connotation for one of the other people involved. You have to acknowledge that your words could have more than one meaning. There’s nothing you can do to stop someone from reading you the wrong way right now, but there is a lot you can do if a misunderstanding occurs. As soon as you get an inkling that someone has the wrong idea, you have to talk to them about it. It might be true that all you need is love, but it’s also true that a great pair of shoes, a flattering haircut and a sweet attitude don’t hurt, either. It’s time to give your appearance an overhaul!
(Where’s Our fucking cake?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.