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Friday, September 7, 2012

At first I was afraid, I was PETrified!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, September 07, 2012.  The epic dreams continue, not that We shall waste your time recounting them.  Last night, for instance, We were stranded in LA (Los Angeles, not Louisiana…but then you probably knew that), and realized We did not have Our wallet.  We also realized (within the dream) that We had had a dream the previous night in which We did not have Our wallet.  This was so profoundly affecting that, when We woke up from the dream, We were compelled to check that Our wallet was where We had left it.

It was.  (We know, you’re relieved too.)

In other news, We were paid $125 for an hour of Our time yesterday, and We didn’t even have to take Our clothes off.  If We could just translate that into an eight-hour day once or twice a week, We’d be good to go.

In still other news, We know We should be grateful for whatever We can get, but if you are going to hit on Us, please try to be a little more original than, “You look familiar”, because it will be only Our excellent upbringing and well-developed manners that prevent Us from replying, “Really?  You look like an old guy with a lousy complexion and really bad hair.”  KThxBye.

Tonight is, of course,  the opening of the Philadelphia Fringe Festival, and, coincidentally, the opening of the WaitStaff’s The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game! , where you will be able to find Us intermittently for the rest of the month, and for which you will obtain your tickets here: .

Here is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

Here’s the HorrorScope:
Today, We are informed, is Gloria Gaynor’s birthday.  Which may not seem like all that, until you realize that it has more impact on your day-to-day life than Queen Elizabeth I or Devon Sawa.

It’s a great day for shopping, or for restoring antiques (Honey, We have to appear on stage later.  We will most assuredly be Restoring Antiques.)

— anything that keeps you busy and focused on beautiful things. (Anybody who shows up at the door with fifteen bucks is a Beautiful Thing as far as We’re concerned.  (Unless they say, “You look familiar.”))

(In all seriousness, however, if you are planning to come see Us, don’t wait till the last minute.  As of this morning’s early sales report, almost all of tonight’s tickets are gone.   And the WaitStaff is notorious for selling out at the Fringe.  Make a reservation, people.)

You need to refocus your energy on activities that matter to you.  (Fine.  If anyone wants Us, We shall be dancing about to “I Will Survive”.   The rest of you can dance to Queen Elizabeth I or Devon Sawa’s Greatest Hit.)

(Apropos of nothing, is Prince Charles the current Queen Elizabeth’s Greatest Twit?)

 Mixing finances with friendships is seldom a good idea, and that goes double for today!  (Mixing foie gras with Fresca™, on the other hand, will definitely put those PopRocks™-in-Pepsi™ people in their place!)


One of your most beloved people needs some money, (Show Us one who doesn’t.)

but unfortunately they don’t always know how to handle it responsibly. (Then they shouldn’t fondle their bills and drive.)

If you loan them some out of kindness, you’ll probably be tense about when and how they will pay you back — which will only create tension. (Hmmm…being tense could create tension, you say?  Who knew?)

 Unless you are able to give it to them as a gift outright, don’t give them anything.  (Not even herpes?)

It’s just not worth it. (Speaking of not worth it, We are counting down to a blatant display of “you (meaning Us) are less equal than me (meaning them)” behavior.  If We weren’t (subjunctively) speaking (virtually), We would say We were virtually speechless.  Wow.)

Plenty of energy is flying back and forth between you and a potential love interest, but is it constructive? (We’re just gonna go right ahead and guess “no”.)

 The sheer spectacle makes it too distracting to tell at first. (And you haven’t even seen what’s in the sheep receptacle.)

Once the dust settles, reevaluate. (Also, vacuum.  No matter WHAT Nature’s whores tell you to do.)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.