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Monday, September 10, 2012

She’s comin’ up from behind

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, September Tenf, 2012.Happy birfday to Our granddaughter, Mo’Niques, who turns twenty-four today.  People frequently ask Us such questions as “How is it possible that both you and your granddaughter are twenty-four?”  To which We respond, “Blah-blah-blah time machine, blah-blah-blah credenza, you’re nakedly skimming this crap and that’s the best question you can come up with?  Whatevs.”

The preceding has inspired Us to imagine that perhaps We should add an FAQ section around here.  Perhaps more people would tune in more faithfully if We had a section devoted to Fierce African Queens.

So on Friday and Saturday, We played The Match Game in front of sold-out  houses.  (We just had to check the spaces in that last bit.  Because “sold-out  houses” and “sold-outhouses” are not at all the same thing.)  If We are selling out this early in the run (and We are), it means you need to get your tickets yesterday, if not sooner.  Here is where you can do that:

Those of you who are fans of Our Sistah Ovella, aka Bob Mason, will want to mark your calendars that he will be playing Mister Charles Nelson Reilly at this Wednesday’s 7:30 and 9:30 shows.

Here is what the City Paper reviewer had to say about Our little epic:

And here is Our Own Personal most recent claim to fame:

Here is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Well, no wonder the sun is shining so brightly this morning…it’s Ryan Phillippe’s birthday as well.  Save Us a frosting rosebud offa THAT birthday cake, wouldja, Hon?

(Did that sound dirty to you?  Because, trust Us, We meant it in the dirtiest way possible.)
You are reacting to outside stimulation today (Well, duh.  It’s not like We ever get any inside stimulation.)

— maybe a little too much so, but not so much that you need to worry about the consequences. (But do We need to worry about da troof?  (You can’t handle da troof!  (That was Our Jack Nicholson impression.  If Jack Nicholson were, subjunctively, ya know, black.  Black Jack Nicholson.  (As opposed, of course, to Jack Black Nicholson, which would be Jack Black’s name if he married Jack Nicholson.  Why he would do that when neither of them is gay, We haven’t got any idea, but the whackadoodle wingnuts will tell you that Barack Obama is “forcing” gay marriage on the country, so there ya go.  (We now have a phonetically phunny paragraph containing the words “Jack”, “Black”, and “Barack”, but it is only actually phunny if you mispronounce “Barack”.  Or if you pronounce the other words as “Jock” and “Block”.  We have no idea, however, who the hell Jock Nicholson is.)))

Soon it will be the world’s turn to react to you!  (We can turn the world on with Our smile!  We can take a nothing day, and suddenly make your grandma senile!)

It’s time to roll up your sleeves and dive on into something new. (Ryan Phillippe, here We come!  (Geronimo!))

Your energy is higher than it has been in a long while, and today is a great day to make the most of it. (What, it’s not Monday where you are?)

Whether you choose something as challenging as a new household renovation, or something as sedentary as a thick new bestselling novel, you’ll make a lot of progress today. (Did that strike anyone else as a very peculiar “either-or”?  How out of place was the word “sedentary”?  And what about Naomi?)

(If you knew “and what about Naomi”?  You are very old.  But NOT very, VERY old.)

Even if you don’t get out of the preliminary planning stages, you’ll still be well-positioned for a successful outcome.  (If there were (subjunctively) a coupppple more PPPPPs in that sentence, it would really ppppoppppp.)

Not feeling really great? (Yeah, We’re not feeling so much Catherine the Great as We are Catherine Deneuve.  On the plus side, We won’t be getting fucked by a horse.  (Although Ryan Phillippe…))

Take it easy. (Trust Us, We are as easy as it gets.)

No one said you had to be in tip-top shape all the time.  (No one said a lot of things, but it doesn’t make them any less true.)

Do something low-key this evening, (Ol’ Man Ribber…)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

then get plenty of rest and start fresh tomorrow.  (Are you insinuating that We have that Not-So-Fresh feeling?)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.