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Saturday, September 15, 2012

We have an opening (heh) for a princess

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for SayerDee, September 15, 2012.  We just popped in for a rare Erix Daily Horoscope weekend appearance as it occurred to Us that, despite having mentioned him earlier in the week, We had neglected to wish a Happy-Birthday-In-Advance to OurPatrickInGreaterBostonia, who is turning twenty-four today. In Greater Bostonia, presumably.  Also, We were completely oblivious (We know that comes as a shock to you all) to the birthday of one of Our most famous Gentle readers, Prince Harry, who is celebrating His Royal Heinie…er, Birthday today across the pond.  (Remember, Ducks, what happens in Uranus STAYS in Uranus.  Love, Starzina.)

How have We never noticed that these two shared a birthday before?  We must invite them to tea soon, so they can compare birthday suits.

We shan’t be going on at length today, as We have a fillum script to study for a shoot tomorrow and next Sunday.  It has come to Our attention that there is a fillum school in Our very neighborhood, so We shall be participating in yet another student fillum.  On the job training, as it were, for when We play The Queen Mum in The Prince Harry Story: We’re Gonna Need Bigger Jodhpurs.

Other than that, we have precious little else to report. Tickets are almost gone for The Match Game  tonight, so grab ‘em quick if you’re planning to come:

Here is a little interview given by Jesus H. Christ, who is a Match Game celebrity:

Here is what the City Paper reviewer had to say about Our little epic:

And here is Our Own Personal most recent claim to fame:

Here is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

Here for your general amusement are a number of tweets from the twatterverse:

If you were stranded on a desert island and could only bring one McDonna album, how would you kill yourself?

If some slut tries to steal your boyfriend, remember, that's actually her husband, and you're very drunk.

I woke up with a zit on my lip; to avoid any confusion, I wrote "NOT HERPES" next to it with a ball-point pen.

If you fall asleep in bed with an electronic cigarette, you wake up in The Matrix.

I'm going to dress up as Bank of America for Halloween and take candy from kids when they come to my door.

Spoiler alert:  in The Dark Knight Rises, Catwoman only makes 75% of what Bane makes for the exact same crimes.

If texting while driving were an Olympic sport, I bet Lindsay Lohan would crash into it.

Most of what I call "cooking" is just melting cheese on stuff.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Your organizational skills are top-notch today, and there simply cannot be too many details for you to wrangle!   (Yes, indeedy, that is We; We are a wrangler from way back.  Yippee-ki-yi-yay, what-the-fuck-are-We-talking-about?)

More than ever, you’re getting a great deal of fulfillment from taking chaos and turning it into order. (And yet it’s so much more fun to turn order into chaos.)

Why, if there were a better way to organize the alphabet, you’d be the one to figure it out!  (What order was it in before they alphabetized it?)

(You’re thinking about that now, aren’t you?)

From lining up all your pens and pencils (And penises.)

to organizing your underwear drawer by color, you’ll have a blast putting everything in your life in order today.  (If We’re really expected to have “a blast”, shouldn’t We be organizing somebody else’s underwear drawer?  Say, Prince Harry’s?  (Do Princes have underwear drawers?  (Is “underwear drawers” redundant?)  That is NOT a facetious question.  (The first one, that is.)  Having an underwear drawer would imply that you wear your underwear more than once.  Does Harry, Prince of Wales, third in line of succession for the British throne, have to wear underwear more than once?  Inquiring minds want to know.  (And SEE.)))

Stress relief shouldn’t come in the form of alcohol, overspending or procrastination.  (No, indeed.  It should come (heh) right out of Prince Harry’s underwear.)

All these tactics will leave you feeling worse than before. (We’ll be the judge of that.)

If you have a friend with benefits, dial up a booty call. (Do Princes do booty calls?  (Clearly, We need to become much better educated about The Royal Family.))

 If not, spend some time at the gym.  (Go fuck yerself.)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.