Movies were movies when Pauline was tied to the track

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  JustAnotherManWhoreMonday, March 4rd, 2013.  Happy Labour Day to all of Our Western Australian readers Down Undah. (It occurs to Us that We’ve no idea if We actually HAVE Western Australian readers.  We have, no doubt, Australian readers, but, Our grasp of geography being what it is, We have no idea from which part.  (Which one of you bitches said “Queensland”?))

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Corky, who turned twenty-four on Saturday.  Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Cliff, who also turned twenty-four, albeit on Sunday. Also also, Happy Birthday to Liesel, and Greg, and Matt, each of whom also also turns twenty-four of their very own today.

Wow.  That’s a lot of twenty-four-year-olds.  1989 must have been The Chinese Year Of The Boink. (That there was a little Chinese joke, for Our Chinese readers.  “Boink” being Chinese for “str8 people fucking in the missionary position and making babies”.)

Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!:  a multi-cultural experience.

Speaking of str8 people fucking in the missionary position and making babies, please go and join Our SitOnOurFaceBook event here (No, seriously…because, if you go right now, you’ll see why that was a really funny segue.):

http://www.facebook.com/events/617567798260241/

Speaking of multiculturalism, We watched two fillums this weekend, in addition to having the first rehearsal for the murder mystery We wrote.  The first one wasn’t even in English, so how fucking classy are We?  It was called Patrik 1.5, and it was from Norwegia (where the Norwegians come from).  Or Finlandia (where the vodka comes from).  Or…what’s that other country like that over there?  Skidmark.

At any rate, the fact that they were speaking Skindinavian, or Squeamish, or whatever those people speak over there made one focus all the more on the movie itself, and, even though there were, of course, subtitles, One is fairly certain One would have followed right along without understanding a word of the script.  Which would seem to speak to the unimportance of the writer in movie-making, so perhaps We should just move on now.

The other fillum we watched was a full-on red-blooded Murrikan movie called Looper,  in which hit-man-from-the-future Bruce Willis is sent back in time to be killed by his younger self, Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Despite the idiocy that it sounds like, it was reasonably literate and involving, as well-written time-travel yarns can be, since One never knows what will happen next, or, in fact, when “next” is, and, please, already, did We mention Joseph Gordon-Levitt?

In fact, Our only quibble with the fillum is that they did something to Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s face to make him look more like Bruce Willis.  ExSQUEEZE Us?  Joseph Gordon-Levitt was the star of the piece, appearing in over 75% of the fillum; Bruce Willis appeared in well under half of it.  Plus, it’s JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT, fercrissakes…in what universe would you not try to make Bruce Willis look a little more like HIM?  Lord knows, Bruce would be grateful.

Speaking of fillums in what passes for English, We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Pisces, which see above.  Here is the link with which you would share same with your friends, both Piscean and otherwise:    http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 .

For those of you who enjoy behind-the-scenes glimpses of the goings-on here at Eric’s!Daily! Horoscope!, today We shall be working on the script for Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Aries, which shoots tomorrow.  Oh, the magic of the movies!  Perhaps We should write it in Swedish.  Maybe then Craft Services would let Us Finnish a Danish.

Heh.  See what We did there?  We kill Us.

Here are the HorrorScopes:

In other news, it is Chaz Bono’s birthday.  So there’s that.  It is also Adrian Zmed’s birthday, and who doesn’t like saying “Adrian Zmed”?

Speaking of birthdays, We are given to understand that Justin Bieber, who had his birthday on Friday, experienced his Worst. Birthday. EVAH.  Out of all nineteen of ‘em, so that’s really saying something.  Presumably, someone prevented him from counting his money.  Perhaps a replay of his video will cheer him up:

Your thinking needs to shift even further away from the mainstream — though that shouldn’t be too hard for you!  (Indeed.  Our thinking is so counter to the mainstream, it could be a salmon.  Which would be one explanation for why it smells so odd in here…)

Just make sure that you’re taking care of the people who need you the most.  (People…people who needle people…are the prickiest people in the world.  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Punk Barbra Streisand.))

(You’re trying to picture that now, aren’t you?)

 If boosting your career isn’t on the top of your ‘to do’ list right now, then it should be  (Don’t you tell Us what ‘to do’!)

(Heh.  See what We ‘to did’ there?)

— especially today, when your deep yearning for something more challenging goes from a whisper to a deafening din.  (Ah, the old “deafening din” trick.  Topped only by the “deafening Gunga Din” trick, which was, of course, Kipling’s way of getting even with people for being called “Rudyard”.)

(How can We be so veddy, veddy cultured, and yet smell so much like spawning salmon, all at the same time?  Is puzzlement.)

It’s getting tired of being ignored!   (Sorry… did it say something?)

So do yourself a favor by checking out a few employment websites. (Good lord!  We slave and toil and type Our fingers to the bone for YouPeople, now you want We should get a job as well?!?)

Remind yourself that change is possible if you want it badly enough.  (But then remember that folding money is better.)

Education may be the missing link to getting what you want.  (We fail to see how any amount of education is going to help Us win PowerBall™.)

Be wary of the ‘send’ button today.  (Also, stay away from the ‘eject’ button if you happen to be in the BatMobile.)

You’ll want to review every word before you reply to anything.  (Damn skippy, Miss Nipply.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t seem to recognize “skippy” as a word.  Presumably because choosy motherfuckers choose Jif™.  But still...nothin’ says ‘lovin’’ like somethin’ from the oven, but nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee™.)

(What?)

A misguided noun (Whores!  Er…Horrors!)

(We were going to say, “See what We did there?”, but We’re pretty sure Ray Charles saw what We did there, and played the piano while Marcel Marceau sang a song about it.  Which was no mean feat, considering that they’re both dead.)

or adjective could mean disaster, so proofread, proofread, proofread (Genufleck, genufleck, genufleck.)

— and spell check. (Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!)

(We have no idea.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Found a peanut, found a peanut, found a peanut just now

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, May 09, 2011. We trust that all you mothers had lovely Mothers’ Days. (You will get a much better sense of the preceding if you go back and snarl it bitchily.  Sigh.  Print is such a two-dimensional medium.  Would that there were (subjunctively) a video version of Erix Daily Horoscope.) Other than having spoken to Our Own Personal Sainted Mother, the less said about Our day, the better.

From the WorldWideInterWebNetz:  the difference between kinky and freaky is, kinky teases with a feather, while freaky uses the whole chicken.

See how right away We changed the subject there, rather than wallowing in the misery that is Our daily existence?  That there is the mark of a Highly Trained Professional.

Once again changing the subject (you’re welcome), in Our ever-vigilant pursuit of truth (to say nothing of justice and what Americans weigh), We are here to disabuse you of a persistent, prevalent notion.  To wit, there are still those people, possibly even some amongst Our very readers, who believe that the saying is actually, “Find a penny, pick it up, and all the day, you’ll have good luck.”  Nothing could be further from the truth.  (Well, actually, that’s not true; many things could be further from the truth.  However, Our point is, this particular thing is far enough from the truth that it is patently false.) Why, in the month of April alone, We Our Own Self Personally found not one, not two, but THIRTY-FIVE pennies.   Also, seven dimes, a nickel, a quarter, a Canadian dollar, and a Chuck-E-Cheez™ token.  And We picked them all up.  And Our “luck” in the month of April?  Our Pay-Pal account was hacked, Our invitation to the Royal Wedding was lost in the mail, and We discovered that they no longer make Chicken Tonight™ in this country. Also, We learned that David Cassidy had turned sixty-one, Our Conchata Ferrell support group failed, and We obtained Satan’s SmartAss Phone From The Left Side Of Hell, which has been plotting against Us since it was brought onto these premises.

“Find a penny, pick it up, and all the day, you’ll have good luck”?  Not so much. The ACTUAL saying is, “Find a penny, pick it up, and all day long, you’ll fuck a duck.”

Meanwhile, do any of YouPeople know where We can trade in a Canadian dollar for real money?  Or what a Chuck-E-Cheez™ token is worth?

Duckfuckers.

It has, naturally, come to Our attention that there are those Gentle Readers who doubt the verisimilitude of Our anecdotes here at Erix Daily Horoscope.  And, while We certainly are not averse to the occasional exaggeration for comic effect, We would like to point out that virtually every story told within these pages has its roots in truthiness.  For instance, in the month of April, We did in fact find on the street every single coin mentioned above, including the Chuck-E-Cheez™ token.  Our Pay-Pal account WAS hacked, We did NOT receive an invitation to the Royal Wedding, and they DO NOT any longer make Chicken Tonight™ in this country.  Further, David Cassidy DID turn sixty-one, what could a Conchata Ferrell support group do BUT fail, and the less said about Our phone, the better.

In other news, for those Trusting Gentle Readers who believe everything We say, bless your hearts, lest you have read the preceding paragraph in vain, We shall point out that “verisimilitude” is the Erix Daily Horoscope Word Of The Day Du Jour, and also that We are as shocked as you are that Micro$oft Weird™ accepted “truthiness” as a word.

See how well We are keeping the subject changed from those things that are making Us want to climb a belltower with an Uzi?  Well, except for, ya know, mentioning it now…

Oh, look!  The HorrorScope!

Use that creative energy you’ve got going on right now (Jigga WHAT?)

to make a serious dent in your to-do list (Oddly enough, this is one of those days when the first thing on Our to-do list, if We had one, would be “make a to-do list”.  Which is why We don’t have one.  Because there’s no to-do list to tell Us to make a to-do list, so We have nowhere to write “make a to-do list”.)

(How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?  Strawberry.)

— or to blow it off entirely (NOW you’re talkin’!)

and try something new!  (Like sentences ending with exclamation points!  Yay!  False senses of excitement!  Kill Us now!)

(Since when is “yay” not a word?  Shut up, Micro$oft Weird™.)

You should feel great about whatever you decide to do. (So We SHOULD climb a belltower with an Uzi?)

 Another spurt of creativity hits you today (Not in the eye, We hope.  That shit BURNS.)

— this could be the beginning of a very productive period, (Always™.  Have a very productive period…nope, just doesn’t have the same ring to it.)

so make the most of it. (Is that like making a mountain out of a molehill?  Is that the most you could make out of a molehill?  Or is there more?  Could you make a VOLCANO out of a molehill?  Or would you have to make a volcano out of a volehill?  Is there even such a thing as a volehill?  If there is, Micro$oft Weird™ is obviously insisting that it be “vole hill”, unlike “molehill”, which is all one word.)

(And We wonder why We spend entire weekends alone.)

Concentrate on output (Everybody poops.)

 — quantity is more important than quality. (Then We may already be the winner.)

Resist the temptation to edit yourself, (Have you READ an Erix Daily Horoscope recently?)

because the nuttier the idea, (The more likely you heard it here first?)

the more likely it will spawn another, more doable plan. (Or that.)

A family member may have an unusual request  (Clearly, you have met Our family.)

— is this a battle you really want to fight? (That depends…do they have an Uzi as well?)

Give them what they need for now and you’ll be paid back later.  (Well, tomorrow IS Tuesday, so they could have a hamburger today.)

(Did We really just make a Popeye pop culture reference?  Have you sent someone over to kill Us yet?)

If you feel stressed, you’re not taking good care of yourself. (Oh, sure.  We have to do everything Ourselves.  Stick a broom up Our ass and We’ll sweep the floor while We’re at it.)

(We’ll pause here, for those of you who like to viZZZualize.  You’re welcome.)

Carve out a chunk of time to do absolutely nothing. (We already have.  It’s called “this century”.)

Just lie on the floor and stare at the ceiling. (Don’t tell Us what to do.)

Think about what comes next and then make your move. (Pawn to Queen’s Bishop Seven. (Don’t ask Us where that came from.  We haven’t played chess since David Cassidy was a boy. (And Chastity Bono was a girl. (Ba-DUMP-bump.))))

*****************************************************************************  

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.