I heard it through the GrapeNuts™

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FridayBroughtToYouByFritoLay™, January 27, 2012.  This is Our eighth consecutive day producing an e-pisode of Erix Daily Horoscope; We don’t usually do so many at a stretch without a Day Of Rest. (How many people read that as “EEE-piss-ode”, and then wondered what the hell is a “pissode”?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)  If you cast your mind all the way back to last Friday, you will recall an appearance by Morgan  Freeman saying, “titty sprinkles”.  It was pretty much all downhill from there.

We just now noticed that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t seem to think “titty” is a word.   Sorry, str8 boi readers.

So we had absolutely nothing to share, and then OurMizDonna came to the rescue with the following instructional video about wrapping presents, which We feel compelled to share with you.  Those of you who know OurMizMarilyn could no doubt viZZZualize her playing Aunt Chippy:

Speaking of Oscars™, share Our fillum with your friends:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovOtlxcnC50

(How was THAT for a goddamn segue?)

Also check out the other videos: http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly?feature=mhee

Speaking of meaningless statistics, We just noticed that, prior to today, We have so far mentioned Charlene Tilton in THIRTY-EIGHT e-pisodes of  this e-pistle.  And does she call?  Does she write/  Does she send an autographed eight-by-ten glossy of herself in her Dallas days, pulling down Christopher Atkins’s Speedo™?  No, she does not!  Why, the only person We’ve cited more than Ms. Tilton is Johnny Depp (65 e-pisodes), and We hear through the grapevine that he has ditched the bitch and is preparing to make the switch.  (How the hell do you hear anything through a grapevine?  Who makes up these stupid sayings, anyway.  (For those of you who enjoy imagining the inner workings of Erix Daily Horoscope, immediately after typing the preceding, We went to the top and put in today’s subject line lyric, changing “grapevine” to “GrapeNuts™”.  Which then made Us think, “Grapes don’t have nuts.  What the hell are grape nuts?” Just a little glimpse into how fascinating it is to be Us.))

Here’s the HorrorScope:

This is a terrible time to take on new projects (Thank you, Debbie Downer.)

— unless they are emergencies. (There’s a special room for those, no?)

Even then, try to take care of them as quickly as you can, letting yourself get back to routines as soon as possible.  (Wait…more than one routine?  Now We’re confused.)

Are you growing so impatient with someone (YES!!!)

that you’re just about to give them a piece of your mind? (Oh, no, ya don’t!  You’re not going to trick Us into giving away pieces of Our mind again.  The last time We did that, We wound up with practically no pieces left.)

Take a deep breath and stop yourself. (Hipsters Likes Us (hi, Chris!) would prefer to express that as “check yourself before you wreck yourself”.  KThxBye.)

You’ll have to watch out for frustration right now — it could make you say things in the heat of the moment that you will really regret later. (Also, you should probably avoid defenestration as well. (We shall pause here (politely) to give those of you who are unfamiliar with defenestration to go look it up.  But don’t think We’re gonna wait around while you use it three times in a sentence.  That word is OURS.))

When your temper flares, there is no going back. (And you should see what happens when Our temper bellbottoms.)

Chances are, (Johnny Mathis is a fag.)

this person is completely unaware that you are upset right now, so it is up to you to let them know. (Yes, We are very shy about sharing Our feelings.)

Be clear and polite, and tell them what you need.  (Winning.  PowerBall™. Ticket.)

Dreams hold secrets to how we really feel about someone special.  (If Our dreams get any more horrifying, We may never sleep again.)

Pay attention (Sorry…what?)

(How many times are you gonna set Us up for that joke?  Asshat.)

to plot lines, symbols and your mood during the dream. (Zzzzzzzzzzz…)

Write it down ASAP and analyze it with help from a dream dictionary. (Or possibly a nightmare thesaurus.  (What’s another word for synonym?))

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Then peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  YourSon’llComeOutTomorrow Day, January 22, 2012.  Yes, ladies and gerbils, you are receiving an Erix Daily Horoscope on a Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!!  Oh, you lucky, lucky people!  We just couldn’t wait to rush Our latest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video to all of you video lovers out there!  So click on it above, and share it with your friends by dropping this link on their SitOnMyFaceBook pages:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovOtlxcnC50

And check out the other videos: http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly?feature=mhee

In other news, happy birthday to anybody who happens to be birthdaying today.  Although SitOnMyFaceBook would have Us believe that We don’t know any such people personally.  But if YOU know such people, give ‘em a birthday treat and drop Our video on their page.

If you’re expecting a full-blown horoscope, you are about to be sorely disappointed.  (If you’re expecting to be fully blown, We’ll be right over.  (If you’re expecting, boil some water and call a midwife; Homey doan play dat.))  After all, We have a script for Our Pisces video to whip up.  Our Pisces video will be including a Very Special Guest Star.  And that’s all We’re gonna say about that, so start antici…pating now.  But if you’re truly jonesing for Our wit and wisdom, go (re)read Friday’s Morgan Freeman installment.  It was a big hit, especially in China.

TITTY SPRINKLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  SatireDay, January 21, 2012.  Yes, ladies and genitals, you are receiving an Erix Daily Horoscope on a Saturday!  Oh, you lucky, lucky people!  We just couldn’t wait to rush Our latest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video to all of you video lovers out there!  So click on it above, and share it with your friends by dropping this link on their SitOnMyFaceBook pages:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovOtlxcnC50

And check out the other videos: http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly?feature=mhee

In other news, happy birthday to Brandon, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Peter, who also turns twenty-four today.  Also also, happy birthday to Blake, who also also turns twenty-four today.  He is probably not reading this, but perhaps some kind soul will forward it to him.  Since it is such an odd coincidence that he’s turning twenty-four on the same day as so many other people.

If you’re expecting a full-blown horoscope, you are about to be sorely disappointed.  (If you’re expecting to be fully blown, We’ll be right over.  (If you’re expecting, boil some water and call a midwife; Homey doan play dat.))  After all, We have snow to shovel.  But if you’re truly jonesing for Our wit and wisdom, go (re)read yesterday’s Morgan Freeman installment.  It was a big hit, especially in China.

TITTY SPRINKLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Grind your behind till you’re banned

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FrightNight, January 20, 2012.  Happy birthday to Shirley, who turns twenty-four today. In Kansas.   Where, presumably, they never say, “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.”  Except possibly ironically.  Also happy birthday to Marcus, who also turns twenty-four today.  But not in Kansas.  Where they may say, “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore”, but, truth be told, We have no idea where exactly Marcus is turning twenty-four.   Also also, happy birthday to Shane, who also also turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Where We are DEFINITELY not in Kansas anymore, and haven’t been for…well, quite some time.

You will have to forgive Us (oh, yes, you will) if We’re a little scatty this morning.  We’ve been up since the veritable Crack Of Ass.  You may already be aware of this, but just in case you aren’t, We are here to tell you that the Crack Of Ass?  Is DARK.

Micro$oft Weird™ is apparently also a little scatty this morning, as it doesn’t seem to recognize that “scatty” is a word.  Which has nothing whatsoever to do with poo, or the flinging thereof, so get your minds out of the gutter.

We just changed Our Micro$oft Weird™ editing language from English-US to English-UK, and “scatty” is still being flagged.  As is “poo”. Micro$oft Weird™ is stupid.

But back to the matter at hand, Ducks: Us.  Specifically, how much you missed Us yesterday.  Now, before We regale you with tales of the adventures that prevented Us from e-pistling you (and Dixie) yesterday, We should like to point out that all day yesterday, We were having A Truly Phenomenal Hair Day. From the very moment We stepped forth from Our morning ablutions, We looked exactly as if Vidal Sassoon his very own self was following Us about to keep Our hairs looking perfectly coiffed all day long. This virtually never happens, which is why We are remarking upon it, especially when We are so far away from having had Our hair did, which We believe was prior to Thanksgiving.  Clearly, it is a sign of the Apocalypse.

(We just Googled Mister Sassoon on Wikipedia to make sure he was still among the living, and therefore capable of the aforementioned Following-Us-About.  It appears he just turned eighty-four this past Tuesday.  So happy birthday, Vidal Sassoon, and get your gnarly old hands out of Our hair!)

Now, as to where We went.  Instead of taking Our perfectly-coiffed self directly to Vogue for a photoshoot to commemorate the occasion, We took Ourself to the doctor, so she could look up Our ass and tell Us if Our hat was on straight.  (Yes, We said “she”.  God forbid some MAN with a high-paying job would have any interest in seeing Us naked. (Also, Our prior doctor had the nerve to retire or drop dead or some such without ever notifying Us.))

You will be hard-pressed to believe that Our new doctor is a pediatrician, but lettuce assure you that she is most definitely twelve.  Also perky, which is the last thing anybody wants when they haven’t had their morning coffee due to fasting.  Which she promptly assured Us We could have had, as long as We had it black.  Like Our heart.  As it was the first time We had met her, We allowed her to live to perk another day.

Following this very festive experience (“Would you be comfortable having me do a genital exam?”  What is this, 1950?  You’re the fucking doctor…if We’re not comfortable, We should have left already. (Of course, it’s not every day One shows One’s genitals to a twelve-year-old, but then it’s not every twelve-year-old that has an MD after her name.  (What’s the feminine equivalent of “Doogie”?  Get Neil Patrick Harris on the phone…We need a genital exam.))), We went off to be phlebotomized by a decidedly unperky old lady of indeterminate ethnicity who “god bress you”d Us repeatedly, despite Our not having sneezed.  We allowed her to live as well, mainly because We literally did not so much as feel her needle.  Clearly, A Truly Phenomenal Hair Day makes Us feel benevolent.

Needless to say needles in haystacks, after all these trials and tribulations, We spent the rest of the day shopping.  And not buying anything.  Which is not unlike watching an orgy on television, if you stop and think about it.  Which We just did.  (Stopped and thought about it, that is.  We didn’t watch an orgy on television. (That’s what the InterNetz are for.))

All of which is a long way from Morgan Freeman saying “titty sprinkles”.

Speaking of titty sprinkles, it’s the last day of Capricorn:

 Share it with your friends:

http://youtu.be/qQ4zUrLmBPg

And check out the other videos: http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly?feature=mhee

Meanwhile, Morgan Freeman aside, does anything say “titty sprinkles” like Charlene Tilton?

 And here’s The HorrorScope:

 You need to move today (Bite your damn tongue!)

— things are going pretty quickly, but you can move even faster.  (Whatevs.  We are thinking that “Titty Sprinkles” might be an excellent stripper name.  Unlike “Titty Jimmies”, which just sounds foolish.)

Try to make sure that your people are ready to go when you say go. (They are Our people.  That is their job. (We have decided to stop arguing with Kelli about Our having people. After all, she probably only has imaginary friends, so why not let her imagine Us some people?))

That could be any moment!  (Or it could be a random exclamation point!  Which We Brits would refer to as a “bang”!  Look, it’s a random bang!  On television!  Titty sprinkles!)

Going along with whatever the rest of the crowd thinks is what sheep do, not what you should do!  (Because that?  Would be baaaaaad.)

(Heh.  We kill Us.)

Stand your ground if and when you disagree with other people today. (So, wait…other people are going to talk, and We’re going to LISTEN?!?)

Who cares if you have an unpopular opinion (Apparently, no one.)

— it’s your opinion, and it’s valid for you to want people to hear it. (We don’t need your stinking validation, bee-yocth!)

Why on earth would you buckle to peer pressure at this stage of your life? (Because peers have all the good drugs?)

Be proud of your independent thoughts, because no one else thinks like you, and no one can contribute the thought-provoking ideas that you can.  (Okay, that right there?  Would be the Erix Daily Horoscope slogan…if it weren’t so damn long.)

Stop waiting for Cupid to notice you, and take matters into your own hands. (Masturbating again, are We?  Sigh…)

Take action now while you’re excited at the possibilities of a new romance. (Our mind fairly boggles. (Which is good.  Because, if you’re playing Boggle™ with your mind, you want it to be fair.))

Don’t second-guess your tactics. (Or third-guess your Tic-Tacs™.)

Just go for it! (TITTY SPRINKLES!!!!)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.