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Friday, January 27, 2012

I heard it through the GrapeNuts™

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FridayBroughtToYouByFritoLay™, January 27, 2012.  This is Our eighth consecutive day producing an e-pisode of Erix Daily Horoscope; We don’t usually do so many at a stretch without a Day Of Rest. (How many people read that as “EEE-piss-ode”, and then wondered what the hell is a “pissode”?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)  If you cast your mind all the way back to last Friday, you will recall an appearance by Morgan  Freeman saying, “titty sprinkles”.  It was pretty much all downhill from there.

We just now noticed that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t seem to think “titty” is a word.   Sorry, str8 boi readers.

So we had absolutely nothing to share, and then OurMizDonna came to the rescue with the following instructional video about wrapping presents, which We feel compelled to share with you.  Those of you who know OurMizMarilyn could no doubt viZZZualize her playing Aunt Chippy:

Speaking of Oscars™, share Our fillum with your friends:

(How was THAT for a goddamn segue?)

Speaking of meaningless statistics, We just noticed that, prior to today, We have so far mentioned Charlene Tilton in THIRTY-EIGHT e-pisodes of  this e-pistle.  And does she call?  Does she write/  Does she send an autographed eight-by-ten glossy of herself in her Dallas days, pulling down Christopher Atkins’s Speedo™?  No, she does not!  Why, the only person We’ve cited more than Ms. Tilton is Johnny Depp (65 e-pisodes), and We hear through the grapevine that he has ditched the bitch and is preparing to make the switch.  (How the hell do you hear anything through a grapevine?  Who makes up these stupid sayings, anyway.  (For those of you who enjoy imagining the inner workings of Erix Daily Horoscope, immediately after typing the preceding, We went to the top and put in today’s subject line lyric, changing “grapevine” to “GrapeNuts™”.  Which then made Us think, “Grapes don’t have nuts.  What the hell are grape nuts?” Just a little glimpse into how fascinating it is to be Us.))

Here’s the HorrorScope:

This is a terrible time to take on new projects (Thank you, Debbie Downer.)

— unless they are emergencies. (There’s a special room for those, no?)

Even then, try to take care of them as quickly as you can, letting yourself get back to routines as soon as possible.  (Wait…more than one routine?  Now We’re confused.)

Are you growing so impatient with someone (YES!!!)

that you’re just about to give them a piece of your mind? (Oh, no, ya don’t!  You’re not going to trick Us into giving away pieces of Our mind again.  The last time We did that, We wound up with practically no pieces left.)

Take a deep breath and stop yourself. (Hipsters Likes Us (hi, Chris!) would prefer to express that as “check yourself before you wreck yourself”.  KThxBye.)

You’ll have to watch out for frustration right now — it could make you say things in the heat of the moment that you will really regret later. (Also, you should probably avoid defenestration as well. (We shall pause here (politely) to give those of you who are unfamiliar with defenestration to go look it up.  But don’t think We’re gonna wait around while you use it three times in a sentence.  That word is OURS.))

When your temper flares, there is no going back. (And you should see what happens when Our temper bellbottoms.)

Chances are, (Johnny Mathis is a fag.)

this person is completely unaware that you are upset right now, so it is up to you to let them know. (Yes, We are very shy about sharing Our feelings.)

Be clear and polite, and tell them what you need.  (Winning.  PowerBall™. Ticket.)

Dreams hold secrets to how we really feel about someone special.  (If Our dreams get any more horrifying, We may never sleep again.)

Pay attention (Sorry…what?)

(How many times are you gonna set Us up for that joke?  Asshat.)

to plot lines, symbols and your mood during the dream. (Zzzzzzzzzzz…)

Write it down ASAP and analyze it with help from a dream dictionary. (Or possibly a nightmare thesaurus.  (What’s another word for synonym?))

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.