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Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Have yourself a Mary little Christmas

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WinceDee, January 4, 2012.  Ordinarily, We would be wishing you a Happy Hump Day, but due to the holiday, for most of you, this is A Week Without A Hump.  Now you know how We feel.

In other news, it occurs to Us that We cannot recall whether Keanu Reeves played Bill or Ted, and We cannot be arsed to care enough to look it up. (Although it might be fun to see that movie again.)

Meanwhile, We celebrated Christmas at Tequilas last night.  We didn’t HAVE any tequila, mind you, as We are not especially a fan, but We did have The Waiter Who Can Balance Drinks On His Head.  Which always causes Us to wonder just exactly how (and why) One discovers that One has such a skill.  Also, just what other gymnastical talents the boy might possess.  We are, after all, An Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know.

We trust you all had a lovely National Burst Into Song Day yesterday.  We know We did.  We also know you’re out there; We can hear you breathing.

We see you when you’re queefing;
We know when you eat cake.
We know you’re just a bag of goods
So go eat your Quisp™ and Quake™.

Oh, come on, Quisp™ and Quake™.  Raise your wrinkled geriatric liver-spotted paw if you remember them.  Tired old farts.

This being Our third epistle of the week, We were tempted just to give it a miss, but We are actually procrastinating about getting on the phone with a bureaucracy.  So We may just sing a few more songs.  Hell, We may stay all night and sing ‘em all. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Judy Garland.)

Unless you wanna hear Us sing some more, go watch this:

 Also, share it with your friends:

Charlene Tilton, meanwhile, is beside herself with glee that she can now be Googled with Judy Garland and Keanu Reeves on Wikipedia and be found.  Our Google-O-Meter™ all-time stats inform Us that most searchers who arrive on these precious pages get here by searching some form of “Charlene Tilton”.  The next-most get here by searching “Johnny Depp fat”, which We are one hundred percent certain is a phrase We have never uttered.

And now,  The HorrorScope:

 You need to deal with your stuff in some way or another. (Or, We could deal with Our stuffing…Waiter!)

 That could mean anything (You’re the Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)…you’re supposed to TELL Us what it means.  Asshat.)

from clearing out attic space to acquiring a complete, matching set of dishes.  (Zzzzzzzz…)

You know what you need!  (Yes, and We’re pretty sure it comes with a drink on its head.)

You have shown amazing patience with someone who seems to be making the same mistakes over and over again — despite their promises that they would stop.  (Well, if We can’t be patient with Ourself who will be patient with Us?  (Is it just Us, or did that last bit make it sound like We are Playing Doctor?))

So if you feel like you have run out of chances to give them, let them know today.  (As soon as We finish writing this, We shall have a long talk with Ourself.)

Give them a little bit of a warning that you are just about done with their shenanigans. (Wait…there are shenanigans?!?)

It might be all it takes to turn them around once and for all. (Aaaaaand We’ve moved from Playing Doctor to Doing The Hokey-Pokey.  Which is also boring when One is all by Oneself.)

Of course, that is highly unlikely. (Since when has “highly unlikely” ever stopped Us?)

It might be time to move beyond this relationship.  (Oh, please.  If you figger out how We can do that, please lettuce know.)

You’re overly concerned with your own physical gratification and personal progress — that’s just the way it is. (Well, duh.  YouPeople never call, you never write, you never send random members of the Swedish Olympic Men’s Swimming Team to Our door…)

But even you can sense whether you’re entering dangerous waters. (We’re gonna need a bigger boat.  (Was that a fat joke?))

So if your actions will undoubtedly hurt another person, take the high road. (Why?  So We can hurt them from above?)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.