Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherManicDepressive Monday, January 30, 2012. We shall just be e-pistling a short e-pissode this morning, as We have A Very E-xciting Day ahead. Not only are We shooting the Pisces e-pissode of Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope, We are shooting with A Very Special Guest Star. We see you shiver with e-nticipation. But no, We’re not telling! You’ll just have to wait. With bated breath. And baited hookers.
We know We’ve been through the “bated breath” thing before, so there’s no need to go through it again. And, briLLLLiant though it is, We have no time to further develop the running e-word gag. So:
Speaking of Oscars™, share Our fillum with your friends:
(How was THAT for a goddamn segue?)
Also check out the other videos: http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly?feature=mhee
And:
Here’s the HorrorScope:
(We just found out that it’s Christian Bale’s birthday. Which inspires Us not a whit, a jot, or an iota. Sigh.)
Try to arrange a meeting today (We already told you: Shooting. Very Special Guest Star. Capricornian Cameraman. Brilliance and hilarity will ensue. (Who the hell is Sue?))
— your skills are at their peak, (But where are Our pills?)
and you may find that people are more willing to listen to your side. (Well, good. Because if they don’t wanna listen to Our side, We’re gonna play ‘em a song on Our ass, and nobody wants THAT.)
Even those who can’t quite understand you are sympathetic. (Morons.)
Your ardent curiosity does more than just satisfy your mind — it often inspires others, too. (Eve Arden’s curiosity, on the other hand, inspires no one. Because she’s dead.)
Share your passion for a certain band, movie, fashion designer, food, magazine or novel with someone else today. (Way to narrow it down, bee-yotch.)
Preferably, choose someone you’d like to show an intimate side of yourself to. (Yeah. Because nothing says “intimacy” like telling somebody what magazines you like to read.)
Give them this glimpse into what fires your imagination, (Wait…Our imagination has been fired? That certainly explains a great deal.)
and you will give them a good idea of the kind of intellectual heat you offer. (Is it the kind that could make toast? Because, mmmmm, toast.)
In all probability, they will offer to share something with you. (Of course they will. People are always sharing with Us. Share, share, share. It’s like a fucking horn of plenty around here, with all the damn sharing.)
You make the unreasonable seem like a good idea and, (That’s Us: Making The Unreasonable Seem Like A Good Idea. Since 2001.)
on you, whimsy and impulsiveness come off as charming. (Unfortunately, Our whimsy is at the cleaners, and Our impulsiveness doesn’t quite fit right any more. So good luck with that charming bit.)
Most people have to work at recapturing playfulness, but you naturally know how to have fun. (Which is why We have so much of it. Mixed in with all the sharing. Lucky, lucky Us.)
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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