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Monday, January 16, 2012

There is nothing like a dame

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for RoyalCanadianMountedPolice, January 16, 2012.  Happy belated birthday to Ed, who turned twenty-four over the weekend.  And Happy Martin Luther King Day to the rest of you, or at least those of you who have the day off.  For the rest of the rest of you, who don’t have the day off, Happy Blue Monday, the most depressing day of the year.

You’re welcome.

If you are fortunate enough to have the day off, We would be remiss if We did not quick, fast, and in-a-hurry offer up this bit of wisdom, which We received recently from the lovely and talented, apple-cheeked Blair: “You can’t drink all day unless you start RIGHT NOW.”  How ever did We let that boy (and his apple cheeks) get away?

We, of course, will not be having the day off.  It being virtually The Dawning Of The Age Of Aquarius, The Age Of Aquarius, We shall be putting Our nose to the grindstone, Our shoulder to the wheel, Our nipples to the wind, and Our titz akimbo (is it just Us, or does that sound like a really perverted game of Naked Twister™?) and working Our fingers to the boner (ahem) to bring you lucky, lucky people the latest installment of Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope.

The current episode of same can be seen here:

 This is the link you would use to share it with all of your friends.  If you were ever considerate enough to help Us out that way.  Which you aren’t.  No wonder you don’t have any friends.:

Of course, it being ten AM, We aren’t shooting Our video yet, We are drinking coffee.  This particular coffee is not Our usual brand, but it was on sale, and We had a coupon.  The lovely people at Maxwell House™ would like Us to know that this coffee is something called “South Pacific Blend”, which We suppose means, were it (subjunctively) not ten o’clock in the morning, it would sing “Some Enchanted Evening” to Us.  We’re not sure how “South Pacific” something that was manufactured in Illinois can actually be, although it does taste suspiciously like a lei We once had.  And not a very good lei, either.  The aforementioned lovely and talented apple-cheeked Blair once informed Us that We should not buy ground coffee, as there is an actual government standard for what percentage of it is allowed to be ground insects. Fortunately, when he said things like that, We were able to concentrate on his apple cheeks until he stopped talking.

Meanwhile, in a desperate effort to neutralize the funny in the preceding paragraph, Micro$oft Weird™ has honed in on “like a lei”, and would have Us change it to either “like lei” or “like a leu”.  Neither of which makes any damn sense, and what the hell is a “leu”, anyway?  (In fact, now that We’ve typed “like a leu” in THIS paragraph, Micro$oft Weird™ is telling Us that it’s misspelled.)

Red. Delicious. Apples.  Just sayin’.

And, since We’re working today, Charlene Tilton doesn’t get the day off either.  And here’s The HorrorScope:

Listen carefully to what your people are trying to tell you.  (Sorry…what?)

(That, of course, was a joke.  We certainly did not miss your reiteration of this constant misguided idea that We have “people”.  Asshat.)

Things are looking up, (And this is why a lady should keep her legs crossed.)

but you need to make sure that you’re pushing for what’s best for everyone, not just for yourself.  (What the hell’s the point of that?)

You can all win!  (But it’s no fun if there’s no loser.)

You have been adding more new projects and goals than your schedule can realistically contain, so you might find yourself scrambling today.  (Well, better that than hard-boiling.  Or poaching.  Or shirring.)

(How, exactly, does One “shirr”?  One would imagine there would be sound effects.  And probably special implements.  Shirring devices, if you will.  (Or even if you won’t…no doubt We’ll be stuck doing the shirring, while you sit around eating Martin Luther King Day cookies and drinking South Pacific coffee, while washing that man right out of your hair.))

Concentrate on finishing some current projects. (We’d LIKE to finish this horoscope, but YOU keep talking.)

Check a few items off of your to-do list, (Whether We’ve done them or not?  Why didn’t WE think of that?  We’ll be through this list in no time!)

and you will be immediately energized  (Like a bunny?)

(Get that battery away from there!)

— and you’ll be able step back and get a fresh perspective. (Please, Escher, don’t hurt ‘em.)

(If you actually saw that coming, you may have read one too many of these things.  The first step is to admit that you are powerless over Erix Daily Horoscope.)

Right now you have to prove to yourself and to everyone else that you can not only accept new challenges but also follow through. (Three times We have read that sentence, and three times We have failed to unearth a single piece of concrete information therein.)

It’s not easy to remain fair-minded when it comes to dating.  (Remaining apple-cheeked, on the other hand, is a cinch.)

If someone says the wrong thing at dinner, you can’t seem to let it go. (And this is why One should never actually pay attention when other people talk.)

Try being more objective and less critical of others to give someone new a fighting chance. (But critical is what We do best.  Well, that and complaining.  Well, okay, being critical, complaining, and being caustic.  Also alliterative.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.