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Monday, January 2, 2012

I will lay me down

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, New Year’s…what’s the opposite of Eve?  Let’S see…Christmas Eve, Christmas, Boxing Day…New Year’s Eve, New Years, Wrestling Day.  Hot bois in singlets…that’ll work.

Another problem solved…are We a facilitator, or what?  (Who said, “Or what?”  (More to the point, who DIDN’T?  Are there newbies in here?))

Meanwhile, happy birthday to Joe, who turns twenty-four today.  Joe, for those of you who are unaware, is the creative viZZZionary genius who makes Us look so good in this:

You can share it with your friends using this:

And you SHOULD.  We can’t pimp Our Own Self; that’s just whoring in Sunday clothes.  (We just made up the saying “whoring in Sunday clothes”. We confirmed that by Googling it on Wikipedia and getting no hits.  Now watch, next week they’ll be saying it on Saturday Night Live.  And will they pay Us royalties?  NOOOOOOOO….)

Speaking of pimping Us out, why’n’t’cha make it a New Years Revolution to introduce Erix Daily Horoscope to say, one new person every month?  We’ve been checking Our increasingly-more-fascinating Google-O-Meter™ stats, most recently in response to a comment from Our daughter.  But let Us share that directly:


TJ said...
All of these mentions of Charlene Tilton are amusing. I hope they keep resulting in page hits. Or something like that. (Said your daughter with insomnia, who is different than you daughter NAMED insomnia.)
Eric said...
My daughter NAMED Insomnia is the black sheep of the family.

(Heh. See what I did there?)

The stats on this thing are amazing; even when I don't write for days, someone is always reading it. And not the most recent entries, either. The original Charlene Tilton entry is up to 287 hits: And this recent one has 208.

It's a weird wild wacky wonderful WorldWideInterWebNetz out there!

All of which is fascinating information, and why do so few of YouPeople ever comment?

Apropos of nothing, it occurred to Us that “gay-for-pay” and “gay toupee” are two entirely different things.

And now, Charlene Tilton’s in the kitchen with Dinah Shore.  Which must be rather unpleasant for her, as Dinah Shore’s been dead for damn near thirty years.  Of course, maybe all of yesterday’s New Year’s sauerkraut is covering up the smell.  Alternatively, The HorrorScope:

Your fiery nature is totally energized right now, (Indeed.  We had sauerkraut, black-eyed peas, and kielbasa yesterday.  If We were (subjunctively) you, We wouldn’t be standing behind Us and Our “fiery nature” on any elevators any time soon.)

(Oh, good lord.  The first horoscope of 2012, and already a fart joke.  This doesn’t bode well.)

and you should find that it’s easier than ever to score new finds and make exciting discoveries.  (How many of you just now got the “gay-for-pay/gay toupee” joke?)

Things are definitely going your way!  (Only when We’re standing in traffic.)

The time for exploring new places (Uranus?)

and new ideas has come (Heh.  Kelli said “come”.)

— so tune into your wanderlust and get traveling!  (Okay, could We get a little round of applause here please?  A ONE WORD Uranus joke?  Are We a highly-trained professional, or what?  (Shaddup.))

Plan a trip to a foreign land. (Uranus?)

(Ooops, We did it again.)

Being intrigued by new people (To say nothing of nude people.  (Sshhhh…say nothing.))

and new cultures will energize you (We are so completely energized, We are practically a bunny.  Or at least people keep trying to shove size D batteries up Our ass. (We keep going, and going, and…))

to a point that you might finally understand what you really need to be doing with your life. (So, is becoming Queen of Rumania out of the question?)

The blinders are coming off. (Uh-oh.  Helen Keller is gonna be pissed about all those jokes We’ve been telling about her.  (WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!))

 You are opening your mind to new ways of living, and although not every discovery is a revelation, most are at least terribly interesting.  (We had an open mind once.  Everything fell out.)

 You’re in dire need of some culture today, and yogurt doesn’t count. (Oh, look.  Kelli tried to make a funny.  You’d better leave that stuff to the professionals, Asshat, you might hurt yourself.)

Open your mind and heart to the beauty of art. (Who is this “Art” of whom you speak?  Art Linkletter, Art Garfunkel…can anybody think of an Art who’s under 70?  Anybody?  Bueller?)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.