I could have spread my legs and eaten scrambled eggs

(What?  It’s a pixture of Charlene Tilton.  Since when do We have to explain Ourselves?)

Greetings, Early Renaissance Inspired Chiaroscuro---

Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, July 27, 2010 (We have absolutely nothing to report.  We have put away the laundry that We did last night, and, as We type this, We are also half-assedly emptying the dishwasher.  (“Half-assedly” being, of course, a figger of speech (with a jigger of bleach chaser); how One would actually use half of One’s @ss to empty a dishwasher is quite beyond Us.  (Half of Our Own Personal @ss wouldn’t even FIT in the dishwasher at this point, it being approximately the size of Uranus.))) :

(See how We do for YouPeople?  Not a single ray of hope on Our horizon, and yet We still muster a Uranus joke for all y’all. )

(Meanwhile, back in the day, We actually had to DO the dishes; now, We just have to put them away once a machine has done them.  And yet, We still find the whole thing an extremely tedious chore…Christian Dior, Zsa Zsa Gabor…what the h3ll were We talking about?)

(Do not forget to get your tickets for Christmas In July: Another Surprise Birthday Party for Jesus  this Wednesday or Thursday, July 28^th or 29^th at 8PM at L’Etage http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/117814 .  )

(Jesus continues to be a big hit, as does His YouTube video.  It occurs to Us that perhaps We should share the URL rather than embedding it, thus making it easier for you to share with your friends: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqkG2v1xZyQ )

 (Our  Our-O-Scope:)

Settle back in your favorite armchair, invite your favorite companions over and enjoy the best of what life inside these carbon-based units has to offer: the love and appreciation of familiar dear ones. (“Carbon-based units”?  Jigga WUT?)

You won't need any showy displays of attention (Well, that’s good.  Because We so poor, We cain’t even pay attention.)

-- and neither will they. (We know you are, but what are We?)

Ready to ditch your job, (Honey, Our jawb WAS a ditch.  If, by “ditch”, you mean “homeless leper’s @sscrack”.)

(Heh.  “Homeless leper’s @sscrack”.  Can We paint a word pixture, or what?)

(Thank you for saying, “Or what”.  It shows you’re paying attention.)

your home and the person you've been with for the past x number of years? (Ordinarily, when We interrupt One of Kelli’s wordy-liquid-f@rts-that-masquerade-as-sentences, We totally lose the thread.  We have not, however, lost this one (wonder of Wonder Breads™ and miracle of Miracle Whips™ (ooooh….he said “whips”!)).  And We think that Our Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) may actually have a point.  (Other than the one on the top of her head, next to the hole.)   Since, clearly, the major thing in Our life that isn’t working is Us, perhaps We should break up with Ourself.  We’ll get right on that, and let you know how it goes.)

(Apropos of nothing, can anyone thing of a reason why One could NOT freeze lemon zest for future use?)

Well, be sure before you do it. (NOW We’ve lost the thread.)

 This, too, may pass. (Gas may pass out your @ss.  Also, the rain in Spain stays mainly on Lorraine.  And the ants in France dance tangos in your pants. We would tell you about your Mom in Guam, and your Dad in Chad, but We suspect you’re not mature enough to handle it.)

(What?)

When the call comes down, don't worry. (Be happy.)

You're not being called into the principal's office to be suspended. (Just one more reason why We couldn’t go back to school for all the pee in China.)

Promoted, maybe, but not suspended. (We want to make a joke about suspenders, but We’re not feeling particularly funny any more.  Sigh.)

Got pinstripes? (What the fu(k does THAT mean?)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com

cowgrass…it does a body good)