Papa Yahtzee

Greetings, Employment Recruiter Inseminates Candidate---


Here is your horoscope for Friday, July 23, 2010 (Happy birthday to Gerry, who turns twenty-four today. (Does Gerry even read this horoscope? We have no idea. If only We had minions to attend to such things. (Obviously, We jest. If We were (subjunctively) to obtain minions, We certainly wouldn’t have them spend their days dicking around on the WorldWideInterWebNetz.))):


(So much to tell all y’all, so little thyme. (That was a little spice joke, in case the Spice Girls are reading. Love, Old Spice. (We are, of course, aware that thyme is an herb (if only We could save it in a bottle), but We couldn’t think of anybody named Herb to make a joke about. (Of course, having said that, We were reminded of character actor Herb Edelman, who has probably not been mentioned anywhere for a decade. But does that stop Us? Oh, no, hell no, Hellman’s™ mayo.))))


(Somehow, We don’t feel that “oh, no, hell no, Hellman’s™ mayo” has the same catch-on-ability as “too bad, so sad, @nal s3x with your dad”. Because We? Have Our finger on the pulse.)


(Today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Salmon Mousse Couscous Herb Edelman is, of course, a tribute to where All The Cool Kidz will be either this Sunday or next week: Christmas In July: Another Surprise Birthday Party For Jesus : Sunday, July 25th at 7PM at World Café Live and on Wednesday and Thursday, July 28th and 29th at 8PM at L’Etage. Tickets here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3635or here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/117814. If you haven’t gotten them already. And you haven’t. We KNOW. We see you when you’re sleeping, We know when you’re awake, We can’t really tell the difference, with all that drooling you do, so buy tickets to Our g0ddamn show.)


(Meanwhile, Our video…well, lettuce just say, We should call the World Health Organization. Because We? Have the most antiviral friends on the planet. They should put Our readers in charge of the AIDS epidemic…stop that sh1t in its tracks, y’all would. (Seriously…don’t none of all y’all know anybody who’s anybody to show this to?))





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(In still other news, We had an audition yesterday morning (which would explain Our absence from Bloggonia (not that anybody asked)). Relax, it was a pity audition, thrown Our way by the guy who still hasn’t invented Our voiceover demo. ‘Tis pity it doesn’t come with a pity JAWB attached. Later in the day, We met up with TCBITWWW, who is on The Right Coast briefly, on business, and who is looking MAHvelous. There was some story of some new diet or beauty regimen or some such, but We were distracted by the fact that We were sitting in The Bar Formerly Known As Bump drinking club soda and pineapple juice, as We had a rehearsal to attend. The things We do for Art. (Even though We’ve never met the sunnuvabitch, and he won’t buy tickets to Our shows, or watch Our video.))


(Meanwhile, in the news, here’s this: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2889181/Toby-Elles-found-the-face-of-Jesus-burned-into-his-frying-pan.html.)


(Also, if you would like to gaze upon a video that is not of Us Our Own Selves, here’s this:





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(Our Our-O-Scope)


You're quite powerful at the moment (Well, We haven’t showered yet.)


-- but not omnipotent. (That’s what the little blue pill is for.)


Keep that little ol' fact in mind before you decide to ax a certain someone who you're really only mildly peeved with. (Ax dem wut?)


Being on the planet alone would be lonely. (No, being on the planet alone would be an episode of The Twilight Zone starring Burgess Meredith. Which is the sort of name that people just aren’t named any more (unlike, say, Herb Edelman.) Also, there are no episodes of The Twilight Zone starring Twyla Tharp. Sorry…what were We talking about?)


Who could you gloat to? (Hmmm…We MAY have mixed up gloating and bloating.)


When the subject of 'baggage' inevitably comes up, don't look away. (We own exactly one bag. Of the suitcasal variety, that is. It is the kind that fits into the overhead luggage compartment on an airplane. Even though We never go anywhere. Sigh.)


You're guilty as charged. (And yet, We bet We couldn’t even get laid in prison.)


Explain that one good experience can erase it all, and you just might have a case. (We already done TOLE you about Our case. Meanwhile, We just read ahead through the rest of this drivel, and We refuse to dignify any of it with a response.)


Superman has nothing on you -- not right now. Still, your x-ray vision and ability to leap tall buildings may need to be tested before you take the show on the road. Much as they're impressed with your confidence -- okay, and that touch of arrogance you're wearing so well -- they will need to be convinced of your abilities. Ready?


(See? No, seriously…SEE?)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):


Your Birthday Today


After weeks spent trying to make meaningful human contact, you'll settle for rubbing up against random strangers on the subway this week.


Aries


Your life story will soon be adapted into a hit Broadway play, though a lot of the over-the-top singing and dancing will have to be cut out in order to fit the stage.


Taurus


What others think of you is a constant source of worry, so take heart in knowing that they rarely ever do.


Gemini


The coming week will be influenced by forces outside your control, namely gravity, linear momentum, and high velocity friction.


Cancer


Balancing work and family is never easy, but with looming deadlines and daily staff meetings—well, it's just—what the hell do you expect from us, Margaret?


Leo


You will soon leave your body to science, though unfortunately for you, it's the type of science that studies the effects of being repeatedly set on fire.


Virgo


The stars indicate that it's important to take risks in life. Also, the stars indicate that by reading this horoscope you automatically absolve them of any liability should serious injury or death occur as a result of those risks.


Libra


Like the beetle that lays its eggs atop a mound of dung, so too will you hand in months of hard work to your supervisor this week.


Scorpio


Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.


Sagittarius


They say you have the grace of a dancer and the agility of a world-class gymnast. After that, though, it's usually just a bunch of mean-spirited laughter.


Capricorn


The strange men in lab coats, aggravated by your resistance, will turn the dial to 60 volts. They will then repeat their question for the last time.


Aquarius


Your lucky compound modifiers for this week are: long-term, hard-fought and military-history.


Pisces


Though a number of instructional tools already exist, physicists will recommend using your fat ass whenever the concept of inertia is taught in high school classrooms.










Cowgrass…and Ah hailped!)