And may all your Christmases be white…

Greetings, Episcopalian Rapscallion’s Indiscriminate Contretemps--


Here is your horoscope for Thursday, July 15, 2010 (Happy d@mn whatever to whoever is having something happy today. It sure as the h3ll ain’t Us. The two of you who pay any attention will have noticed that We have been absent from Bloggonia for the past two days. The first morning, We had an appointment to see an agent at a tax preparation company to which We shall refer, for legal reasons, as R & H Cock. Yesterday, We were depressed. We may, in fact, still be depressed, but We didn’t want to leave you to discover that you can, in fact, get along without Us (ooops…too late), so We are back.):


(And how did Our R & H Cock appointment go, you ask? Well, long-time Eric’s Daily Horoscope readers will recall the days of the MyBus, and one of its star passengers, Sucretia. Our appointment, as it turns out, was with one of Sucretia’s cousins, Mitochondria (or Saliva…it’s difficult to tell, as they are identical twins). Mitochondria (or Saliva) talked to Us as though We were a mentally-challenged four-year-old. She called Us by Our first name, and repeatedly referred to the disputed tax return as though We had filled it out Our Own Selves instead of enlisting the dazzling accounting skills of R & H Cock’s own Moms Mabley. She was unable to photocopy certain documents We had brought her, as she was incapable of making legal-sized copies. Needless to say (and yet, here We go), We were less than sanguine when We left the offices of R & H Cock. Did We want Mitochondria (or Saliva) to respond to the IRS for Us? No, thank you, Mitochondria (or Saliva), We’ll just send in these forms and let you know what happens next.)


(In cheerier news, when We did Our last WaitStaff show in May, We bombarded you with publicity and details for weeks and weeks in advance, and you stayed away in droves. So this time around, We have waited till ten days out to even so much as mention that We are doing Christmas In July: Another Surprise Birthday Party For Jesus on Sunday, July 25th at 7PM at World Café Live (!) and again on Wednesday and Thursday, July 28th and 29th at 8PM at L’Etage. This is an encore presentation of Our 2009 Christmas show, which was the best-received WaitStaff show EVAH, and you can find out more about it here. Buy tickets for World Café Live here and/or tickets for L’Etage  here.)


(Do We really need to mention that the WaitStaff is currently Our only jawb?)


(In still other news, here’s a little video We made. Please share it with your friends. (No, really. We’re not sure why We need to tell you that, but PLEASE. Share. It. With. Your. Friends. (For those who didn’t understand the first time, that means Send. Your. Friends. The. Link. Also, Repost. It. On. SitOnMyFaceBook. Jeebus. (Heh.))))





)


(Our Our-O-Scope)


You've been temporarily endowed with superpowers, including the ability to see right into the soul of the person in front of you. (Is it just Us, or does that sound absolutely disgusting? Can’t We just look through their clothes and see their pee-pee? What’s all this “soul” cr@p?)


(How many of all y’all just went, “SOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUULLLLLLLL cr@p...” a la Soul Train? (Okay, Sucretia, Mitochondria (or Saliva), and who else?))


Whether you like what you see or not is up for grabs (See, this would all work so much better with their pee-pee.)


-- but you'll instinctively know exactly how to deal with them. (If you shake it more than twice, you’re playing with it.)


It's now officially time to sweep your dear one right off their tootsies (“Tootsies”?)


with your passion, raw sexuality and magnetic appeal. (Hmm. We are thinking that We left all that stuff in Our other pants.)


Bring smelling salts along if this is your debut performance. (Well, okay, We’ll bring the smelling salts, but We’ll be d@mned if We’re dragging that d@mn fainting couch everywhere We go.)


Everyone who asks how you're doing isn't necessarily just making small talk. (Apparently, by “everyone” you mean “two people”. (And then We were gonna make a Helen Keller joke about small talk, but who can be @rsed?))


(We are obligated at this point to mention the lovely and talented Willam Belli, lest Helen Keller claw her way back up to tie him for Third-Most-Mentioned Celebrity in Eric’s Daily Horoscope. (See labels off to the right.) Hi, Willam!)


(We are now enjoying viZZZualizing Helen Keller “clawing her way” anywhere. (Just wait till she finds out how pissed Anne Frank is at her for reading her diary.))


A few of 'em might genuinely be interested. (“A few” out of “two”? (Gesundheit.))


Just shine on the others. (Or sh1t on ‘em. Whatever works.)


Taking back what you've said in anger will be far more difficult than keeping your mouth shut, even if it doesn't seem so at the moment the mouth insists on opening. (Well, We do have a mouth with a mind of its own.)






(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):






http://www.humorscope.com




cowgrass…you’re soaking in it)