California dreamin’

Greetings, Expired Retiree Inspires Conspiracy---


Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, July 21, 2010 (If you are STILL Mondaying, when you SHOULD be Humping-For-Hump-Day, that means you’ve totally missed Two-Stepping Toozday, and should probably throw in the towelhead. We Our Own Selves Personally have just dropped by for a mo-mo, as We didn’t want to leave you unentertained (oh, it is so too a word) on this glorious sunny Hump Day. But We have places to go and people to do, so this is going to be short (that’s what she said).):


(We should point out, at this point, pointedly, to the Pointer Sisters, that We have never actually SEEN that show, either Britishally or Americanically. Clearly, We are culturally deprived. Or depraved. Or something.)


(Today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Fermez Fabergé Oil Of Olay Café Au Lait Simone Signoret is from Our recent trip to The Left Coast. We are a terrible pixture-taker, in that We frequently remember to cart Our camera places, but then We don’t take any pixtures. For example, there is not a single pixture from Our trip of Us with TCBITWWW. Nor is there a pixture of Us with the lovely and talented Willam Belli. And did We get a pixture of Ourselves when We met Isaiah Mustafa at Legendary Bingo? Mais non. There are, however, several pixtures of Us visiting relatives at the La Brea Tar Pits, and a pixture of the Greasy Wiener wagon. Our world, and Malcolm Pruitt.)


(Naturally, We just now yanked “Malcolm Pruit” out of Our ginormous @ssz because he fit so well into the preceding sentence. But, because We are an Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know, We just Googled him on Wikipedia to see if he was a real live boy. Turns out he has an award named after him and everything. Who knew?)


(Christmas In July: Another Surprise Birthday Party For Jesus : Sunday, July 25th at 7PM at World Café Live and on Wednesday and Thursday, July 28th and 29th at 8PM at L’Etage. Tickets here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3635 or here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/117814 . If you haven’t gotten them already. And you haven’t. We KNOW. We see you when you’re sleeping, We know when you’re awake, We really don’t give a sh1t either way, so buy tickets to Our show.)


(Meanwhile, Our video is languishing in anguish (while having a Manwich™ sandwich). Send a friend.)





)


(Our Our-O-Scope)


(Yeah, it’s noon. We don’t have time for this part.)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):






(THIS is why We came here today…so We could share THIS with all y’all:


Aries


Like a Phoenix rising out of the ashes, so too will you frighten a number of small children playing inside that ball pit.


Taurus


Everyone laughed when you said that global warming would destroy the planet, but that's primarily because you had your pants down at the time.


Gemini


Lately it seems like every time you open your mouth something terrible happens. Don't be alarmed: This is what is known as "food poisoning."


Cancer


Your creativity will skyrocket this week, moments after purchasing a number of colorful and hilariously incongruent wigs.


Leo


They say it's impossible to survive without daily human contact, but then the Glowing Orb Beings from Muugaave-6 have ways of keeping you alive.


Virgo


Nobody understands the excruciating pain you're going through. Although having to listen to you drone on and done about it is torture of a whole different kind.


Libra


You'll wake up tomorrow morning to find a baby on your doorstep, just like you have for the last three and a half weeks.


Scorpio


The ancient martial art of karate should only be employed for self-defense, or in your case, any time you drink too much and decide to ruin everyone else's night.


Sagittarius


It's not the size of the ship, but rather the motion of the ocean that will cause your girlfriend to get sick during intercourse.


Capricorn


The cheese stands alone. The cheese stands alone. You idiot—what are you doing!? Guard that damn cheese!


Aquarius


Paved roads aren't exactly a new innovation, but you still manage to get excited every time you see someone get run over.


Pisces


You will finally land your dream job this week, an ironic achievement considering how little you'll be sleeping from now on.


Taste that beats the others cold…cowgrass pours it on)