You’ll be amazed at the secrets I keep

Greetings, Ecuador Recruits Islamic Counterterrorists---


(Micro$oft Weird™ does not approve of Our “Counterterrorists”. It suggests that perhaps We would prefer to have just ONE “Counterterrorist” (which would seem to Us to be relatively ineffectual in this day and age), or that We would prefer the one Counterterrorist to possess something (as in “the Counterterrorist’s ID card proclaimed ‘I am not a terrorist’”), or, indeed, that We would prefer to go completely off the board and have “Counter terrorists.” These, of course, are people who chop vegetables directly on kitchen surfaces without benefit of a cutting board, as well as people who holler at abaci.)


(And to think, We feared having nothing to say this morning. (Heh. “Holler at abaci.” We kill Us.))


Here is your horoscope for Thursday, July 01, 2010 (July 1st?!? Where did half a year go already? (Micro$oft Weird™ now wants Us to change “go” to “ago”. Micro$oft Weird™ clearly had a great big bowl of annoying flakes for breakfast. Maybe We’ll just change it to “Whisky-A-Go-Go” and be done with it. (We saw Whisky-A-Go-Go when We were in LA. It’s across the street from the Viper Room, where the late lamented River Phoenix died. (River Phoenix would be turning forty this year, in case you weren’t feeling quite old enough yet this morning.))))


(Anyway, Happy Canada Day to Our Canadian readers. And Happy Canada Dry™ Day to Our Cocktailian readers. (Oddly enough, Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t think “Cocktailian” is a word. We’re not going to argue with them, as it just means more cocktails for the rest of Us.))


(Our Our-O-Scope)


There's no use denying it: You're irresistible. (Far be it from Us to argue with such Ass(tromalogically) Ho(roscopular) brilliance. Especially when there’s so much irrefutable evidence of…oh, shut the fu(k up. (Meanwhile, is anybody else firmly convinced that it’s Friday? Just Us? Alrighty , then.))


Your only problem at the moment (BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!)


is whether to bestow the pleasure of your company on someone who's comfortably familiar (There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. And then there was, apparently, an old shoe. Which was comfortably familiar, if not magically delicious.)


(Hey, you tell your fairy tales, We’ll tell Ours.)


(What do We want? NONsense! When do We want it? Napalm!)


-- or wonderfully new and exciting. (Would it be so difficult for something to be wonderfully NUDE and exciting?)


Try to forgive your friends if they're not all that sympathetic (We forgive you. You heartless b1tches.)


-- the single ones in particular. (Wait…We have single friends?)


There may be trouble in paradise at the moment, but don't do anything rash -- even if you're sure it won't go away. (Insert dermatology joke here.)


Tapping, twitching and fiddling won't help. (Presumably, some other three random gerunds will. (Is it just Us, or should “Three Random Gerunds” be the name of something?))


You know why you're antsy, (Well, We know that if Our antsy had balls, she’d be Our uncly.)


and there's only one remedy for it. (What, that joke didn’t cure it?)


Rally your energy. (Lucky for you, We just finished rinsing Our apathy.)\


You'll be amazed at how easily you'll be able to get what you want. (Oh, We’ll be amazed alright.)






(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:






http://www.humorscope.com




the cowgrass of ginger ales)