Greetings, Enid Redid Indigo Candids---
Here is your horoscope for Thursday, July 29, 2010:
(You have ONE LAST CHANCE to see Christmas In July: Another Surprise Birthday Party for Jesus tonight at 8PM at L’Etage. Also, if you show up at the door (which opens at 7:30) and mention Erix Daily Horoscope, you can see the show for just TEN DOLLARS! Also also, it is conceivable that We will have a drink with you afterwards. Does it GET any better than that? Yes, People, We have that power!)
(In other news, here is the ever-popular Jesus and His YouTube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqkG2v1xZyQ Since We apparently can’t convince you to share Our video with your friends, We shall refrain from humiliating Ourself by attempting to put said video on funnyordie.com. Which was one of the points in making it in the first place. Sigh. )
(Other than that, We got nothin’.)
(Our Our-O-Scope:)
You may feel cut off from others, (Or We may feel LIKE cutting off others. One of those.)
both personally and professionally, (To say nothing of pusillanimously. (No, really. Say NOTHING.))
but it's really all in your mind. (Well, We had to put it SOMEWHERE. And fortunately, Our mind was empty at the time.)
Truth is, (Stranger than friction, Farley Granger’s diction, and a Power Rangers addiction.)
(What?)
(Meanwhile, Micro$oft Weird™ desperately wants Us to change “friction” to “fiction”. HOW DOES IT FEEL TO WANT?)
you can make greater strides in both departments if you're brave enough to face whomever you have issues with and find a way to deal with them. (Kelli, your sentence, she no parses properly.)
Ready to pose the question? (What question? (Oh, wait…was that the question? (Or was that? (Erix Daily Horoscope…proud inventor of the perpetual motion machine.))))
Okay -- but they might not be ready to deliver the answer. (Which comes as no surprise, considering We have yet to figger out what the fu(k the question is.)
Superman has nothing on you -- not right now. (Punctuation is fascinating, no? For instance, if We move the period in the preceding sentence to an earlier position, We create the much more interesting sentence, “Superman has nothing on.” Party with THAT thought, you Power-Rangers-addicted superhero fetishists.)
Still, (Be still, Our heart.)
your x-ray vision (Jigga WUT?)
and ability to leap tall buildings (Honey, if We can see through Johnny Depp’s clothes, We don’t give a sh1t ‘bout jumpin’ over no buildings, ‘kay?)
may need to be tested (We told you to give him two test tickles.)
before you take the show on the road. (Oh, great. Something else We have clearly failed at. Of course, if We can’t get three people to look at a YouTube video, what would make Us think We could take Our show on the road?)
You just can't seem to get ahead, (Or any head at all, for that matter.)
and all your best-laid (Ditto the laid.)
plans aren't working. (And neither are We. (Heh. See what We did there?))
You need an attitude adjustment. (Go fu(k yourself.)
Call a friend, and download. (Is that some sort of a euphemism?)
(Your Euro-O-Scopes:
cowgrass…because you’re worthless)
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