She’s got Edward Norton’s assz

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! for Toozdee,  May Twelfff, 2015.

We are, of course, in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above.  And here, because it is also brillllllliant, is Our original Taurus video:

Here are the links with which you may share those videos with both of your friends:

   https://youtu.be/KlqQw4TppqY 

https://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

And now, in the time-honored tradition (well, since February-or-so, anyway) of Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope!, We hereby wish Happy Belated Birthdays to the most-mouth-watering birthday suits to have celebrated birthdays since last We e-pisstled.  So, Happy Belated Birthday to Danny, Fernando, Gerard, Gregg, Israel, Keith, Mark, Matt, and Vince. 

(It occurs to Us that, when We’ve made such a list in the past, We’ve usually actually seen at least one or two of the birthday suits thereon.  This time?  Not so much.  One or more of all y’all oughta do something about that.)

In Our ongoing efforts at refraining from complaining, We shall now regale you with a few observations from recent cinematic/theatrical/artistic exploits…

We finally got around to watching Birdman (Bird Man? BirdMan? Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana…BIRDMAN!  BIRDMAN! BIRDMAN!  (Sorry.)), which clearly deserved its Best Pixture Oscar™.  Also, Michael Keaton wuz robbed.  What can We say about this pixture that hasn’t already been said?  What pithy artistic observation, unique to Our Own Personal world view?  Well, We would like all of the movers and shakers in HollyWeird to know that We would most definitely watch an entire fillum entitled Edward Norton’s Assz.

Speaking of fillums and body parts, We also recently watched Gone Girl, and were well into it (time-wise) before We recomembered that it contained the infamous Ben Affleck peen shot.  Which, natch, We slowed down and reviewed several times before deciding that the likelihood of actual peen versus CGI was about 50-50.

As far as the non-Ben-Affleck’s-peen parts of the fillum, We might have to read the book to figger out exactly what was supposed to be going on, but We probably won’t be able to be arsed.  Also, We don’t exactly want to say that Ben Affleck can’t act, but We will say that sometimes he forgets to.

Also, it is no secret to Our regular Gentle Readers (both of whom are very nice) that We love Us some Neil Patrick Harris.  He was so miscast in this particular fillum, however, that his very existence just constantly seemed to scream out, “I’m Neil Patrick Harris!” 

(Bonus points if you heard that a la Patty Duke in Valley of the Dolls screaming, “I’m Neely O’Hara!” (Also, insert I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!  joke here.))

Speaking of people We’re always happy to see nekkid (and, birthday-suit-gentlemen named above, We’re waiting), kudos to Daniel Radcliffe for cavorting in the altogether in some bit of fluff entitled What If, which would never have been made without him, as it consisted of approximately a third of an episode of The Gilmore Girls.  There was, of course, no Daniel Radcliffe peen, as he was only being paid a dollar forty-seven, but still, way to brighten up that beach scene.

Also, body parts aside (aka nipples to the wind and tits akimbo), if you are following along to the bitter end of Mad Men, the young man who played the con-boy in Jon Hamm’s motel is named Carter Jenkins, and you’ll be seeing a lot more of him, We predickt.  You’re welcome.

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now over TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html  ? 

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

****************************************

In celebrity birthday news , Our celebrity birthday website informs Us that it is Jason Biggs’s birthday, which gives Us the opportunity to say, “Happy birthday, piefucker!”.  Apple pie for everybody!

And now, We realize it’s been a while, but here is call-and-response with everybody’s Second-Favorite Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist), Kelli:

Today, don't feel an iota of guilt if you want to ignore the outside world.  (What about a scintilla of remorse?  Or a jot of shame?  Or a soupcon of  compunction?)

(Compunction, punction…what’s your function?)

(Sorry.)

Let your phone go to voice mail, (Unsupervised?!?)

and don't stress out about the contents of your email inbox. (Why not??? WHAT’S IN THERE THAT YOU’RE HIDING FROM US???)

You are important, but the folks in your daily life can get along without you for just one day.  (Oh, sure…first it’s a day, then a  week, the next thing you know, Our wedding dress is covered in mold and there are spiders nesting in Our hair…)

(We are so fucking litter-hairy, We scare Ourself.)

(All together now:  it’s a long way…to Litter-Hairy…a long way…to go…)

It's time to step back from constant interaction. (Why are We the only one singing?)

Do you really need to have your phone turned on all day?  (Do you really need to ask rhetorical questions?)

Make yourself incommunicado for at least a couple of hours. (How ‘bout commando instead?)

 You'll feel amazingly free.  (See?  Commando works.)

Your dreams are on your mind today.  (Which is good. Because if they were on Our duodenum, digestion would be difficult.)

They've been so vivid and weird lately, and you can't help but wonder if your subconscious is trying to tell you something.  (Lettuce just get out Our subconscious Ouija board…)

Expect to spend the day lost in your head. (Ya know what We expect?  Birthday suit pix from the nine gentlemen named above.  STAT.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Bye-bye, Miss American Pie

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, June 27^st , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Happy birthday also to Nick, who also turns twenty-four today.  Out in Amish Country.  Where men are men, and shoo-fly pies are nervous.

(That right there was a little Jason Biggs joke.  In case any of Our Gentle Readers happen to be Jason Biggs.  (Because that?  Would be HAWTT.))

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Forrest and to Greg and to Ryan, each of whom turned twenty-four (although, in Greg’s case, We can neither confirm nor deny) somewhere during Our brief hiatus this week.

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), how is it that the plural of “hiatus” is not “Haiti”?)

(There are a few vacation time shares in (what passes for) Our mind available in August and September…..get ‘em while you can!)

So didja miss Us?

(SQ: Crickets chirping.  (“SQ”, for all you civilians in da house, stands for “Sound Cue”.))

We’re not exactly sure where We were on Tuesday, although none of Our SitOnMyFaceBook friends had a birthday, so We apparently felt justified in taking the day off.  On Wednesday, We were cooking a birthday dinner for a friend, which included, amongst other things, a pecan pie made with actual molasses and squares of Lindt™ Very Dark Chocolate, which We are now eating leftovers of for breakfast, and which has Us bouncing off the walls.  Yesterday, We had an all-day gig being a model patient, which involved handsome young doctors putting their probes all over Us all day while We were covered in jelly.

(We will pause here to give you a chance to recover from the hilarity of Us being a model ANYTHING.)

And now We’re back    

From outer space

We just walked in to find you here

Looking JUST like Mary Kay Place…

We’re fairly certain that the only fact of any import that you missed was that, on Wednesday, the WorldWideInterWebNetz wanted you to know that there were only six more shopping months until Christmas.  You’re welcome.

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Cancer, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M  ))).

 

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Cancer video, which is the second  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, it is Captain Kangaroo’s birthday.  What could be better than that?

Here, meanwhile, A Reading From Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina~

Madame Olivia is very happy to have you back.

A memory has just assailed Madame Olivia of a conversation she once had with a very wise person who knows a lot about money and living simply. The wise person said that sometimes what seems like an extravagance may be "a good expense for you," ie of value in your personal system. The occasional well-considered splurge may be well worth the expense in terms of long-term personal joy. You might call part of this mindful spending.

Little Aries, first sign out of the zodiacal block! People listen to you and rightly so. Madame Olivia senses that an interesting opportunity will arise for you to do the listening. Look for this opportunity. You will learn so much and this will lead to an enormously positive outcome.

Word of the hour for you: gift (a present? a bonus? a talent?)

It's been wonderful being with you again. All the best to you from Madame Olivia.

For your next reading, look for an email invitation in a few days from the very busy Madame Olivia!

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Get your motor runnin’, head out on the highway…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, June 6^st  , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Bill, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

Happy Birthday also to James, who does not EVEN turn twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, and who, coinky-dinkally, is poised to gradumatate from The Hallowed Halls Of Drexel this very weekend.

(Is it just Us, or does  “The Hallowed Halls Of Drexel “ sound a lot like “The Yellow Rose Of Texas”?  (Ooops…is “The Yellow Rose Of Texas” stuck in your head now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.))

Happy birthday also to Joe, who also turns twenty-four today.  In Delaware.  Which, fortunately, doesn’t sound the least bit like “The Yellow Rose Of Texas”.

Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Heather, who turned twenty-four on Wednesday, after Our e-pissode went to print.

And Happy D-Day to the rest of you.  D-Day: A Day That Will Live In Dinfamy. (Is it just Us, or do slogans invented before the WorldWideInterWebNetz just not make any sense?)

In other news, We are aware that many of Our up-to-the-minute pop culture hipster readers have just begun watching Season 2 of Orange Is The New Black.  We Our Own Self Personally are frequently a little behind in Our pop culture followings (mainly because We like any excuse for putting “Us” and “little behind” in the same sentence), so, upon the recommendations of any number of Our nearest and dearest, as well as spurred on by the general hype, We trundled Our recently-referred-to-as-“little” behind down to Our video store and rented an eight-track tape of Season 1.

Now first off, lettuce just say that We are only two episodes in, and We are certainly not going to judge so quickly (who, Us?), especially with all the raves the thing has received. We are nothing if not an ardent Jason Biggs fan, ever since his As the World Turns days, and hey, isn’t that that girl from That 70s Show?

That said, We just hope this doesn’t turn into another Bridesmaids experience…everybody loved THAT, too, and We tried to watch it…TWICE…and couldn’t last more than twenty-minutes. (Which, to be fair, could have something to do with Our loathing for That Fat Woman Who Thinks She’s Funny Because She’s Fat But Who Totally Can’t Act.)

We should also point out that We have a life-long aversion to the concept of incarceration, so this may just not be Our cup of Janitor-In-A-Drum™.  But We will be soldiering on, presumably this very weekend, so We hope to have a positive report on Monday.

Changing gears, here’s this: http://www.playbuzz.com/rachaelg/what-should-be-your-theme-song

(We Our Own Self Personally are “Born to be Wild”.)

That said, We are working on a similar SitOnMyFaceBook quiz of Our Own.  It is entitled “Which Moon of Uranus Are You?” Because We just found out that Uranus?  Has TWENTY-SEVEN moons.  That’s a whole lotta crap flying around Uranus.   Just sayin’.

Other things We just found out (NOT involving Uranus):  Alanis Morissette?  Has a twin brother named Wade.  Alrighty, then.

Also this: http://zodiac-society.com/if-each-zodiac-sign-was-a-drug?v=b22kap654m2tbo4v6nA915N41wSBwk0fy&page=1‏

(It being Friday, We are letting the subjunctive abuse slide.)

Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp.

(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization.  (Because apparently it doesn’t matter what the fuck We say, as no one is paying any attention.))




(How many of you are now picturing Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp as Yitzhak?  (How many of you are now saying, “That stupid bitch Starzina can keep doing this gag all the way till August, ain’t NOBODY buying her no damn Hedwig tickets”?))

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js ))).

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

Was anyone else aware that Harvey Fierstein and Sandra Bernhard share a birthday?  Because We , regrettably, were not.  There had BETTER be cake…

Someone is stressing you out today (Wait, wait, wait…that would imply that there’s also someone who’s NOT stressing Us out…)

— possibly so much that you need to start a fight.  (Which would reduce the stress how exactly?)

Try to avoid any serious dust-ups, but it’s okay if you bare your fangs a bit. (Hence the expression “grin and bare it”.)

Show them you mean business!  (Can We show them We mean show business?  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Ethel Merman.  (Which you might think would mean We were in drag, but they didn’t call her “Ethel MerMAN” for nothing.)))

(The depths, the layers…the humor in here is like peeling a fucking ONION, fercrissakes!)

 It won’t be a boring day. (And yet, you’re still talking.)

Startling, for sure — shocking, maybe. (Spelunking?)

But definitely not boring, humdrum or run-of-the-mill. (How ‘bout tedious, monotonous, or ennui-inducing?  (we have a thesaurus too.  Bitch.))

 Your first surprise (SURPRISE!)

will likely arrive via either a coworker or someone else you see on a daily basis. (Well, there’s always Our mailman.  (Did We mention that We have The Hawttest Mailman In The Known Universe?  Because We DO.))

Either way, they won’t be acting even remotely close to the way they usually do. (So the mailman will finally break Our door down and have his way with Us?  Somebody bring a camcorder…)

 Of course, you being you, (As if We had a choice.  Mainly because, who the hell ELSE could do it?)

you’ll enjoy the change (We’ll enjoy folding money better.  Just sayin’.)

— and encourage it. (Don’t worry, little change…someday, you’ll grow up to be dollar bills.  Maybe even twenties, fifties, and hundreds.)

(Howzzat?)

Hey, it’s your job to be a sparkplug.  (NOW you tell Us.  After We’ve spent all this time being a tailpipe.)

(Like an ONION, We tell you.)

Might as well have fun with it.  (Well, if We have to.)

Take it easy. (Easy, sleazy, beautiful cover squirrel.)

A little rest and relaxation, and maybe some deeper reflection instead of instant romantic action, is the way for you right now.  (Also, random retarded Rastafarians…how the hell many more R-words Kenya cram into that sentence?)

Just wait; tomorrow is a better day to take the initiative. (Tomorrow is also, oddly enough, a much better day to procrastinate.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.