Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FriedEgg, November 2, 2012. Happy All Souls Day to any of Our Gentle
Readers who have yet to sell their souls.
Izzit just Us, or if you say “All Souls” real fast, does it sound like a
Chinaman saying, “Ah, so”? Or, as a
stretch, “Asshole”?
But fear not, Our brethren and cisterns,
after yesterday’s anal bleaching Uranus fest, We have no intention of any more
rooting about in anyone’s nether regions for humor today.
Who let all those chirping crickets in here
all of a sudden?
This just in from everyone’s favorite news
source, The Onion. This story goes
out to Jill, whose impending nuptials are next weekend in Atlantic City. (Also, she’s getting married.): "We still have quite a way to go before Atlantic City is
once again a fully operational destroyer of marriages."
As you can see, We’ve clearly got nothin’. So here are some wildly inappropriate tweets
from the TwatterVerse to ensure that you all get every penny of your money’s
worth:
Air bags: your car's attempt to cheer you up after an
accident by giving you surprise balloons.
If your girl gets mad at you while she's having her period,
she's probably just ovary-acting.
Getting stoned and trying to load the dishwasher is like
real-life Tetris.
Ben Franklin ties a key to a kite and he's a hero. I duct tape a kitten to a stop sign, and I'm
an asshole? Really, History?
Does Whoopi Goldberg know her name roughly translates to
Sex Jew?
The guy who invented the couch should run for
President. His campaign slogan could be,
"Dude, I invented the fucking couch."
Theoretically, you can't complain if there's a pubic hair
on your everything bagel.
There is no straight way to wash a carrot.
*************************************************************************************
Here is the link with which you would share
Our new Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friends, if you
were (subjunctively) so inclined. Like
the plane. http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg .
Enjoy!
Speaking
of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here
is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):
Here’s
the HorrorScope:
It
is both James Polk and Warren Harding’s birthday today. How they managed not to make THIS Presidents’
Day is beyond Us.
Arguments
break out over almost anything today (Do
not!)
—
but you don’t have to take them seriously! (On Polk and Harding Day? Oh, yes, you do!)
In
fact, you may find that your energy is better spent on reconciliation than on
stirring up trouble. (Well, now that the
existence of Our basement-emptying efforts have been validated by a witness
other than Ourselves, We intend to spend today and tomorrow returning all of this
crap to the dungeon. So duzzat count as “reconciliation”
or “stirring up trouble”? (We are as yet undecided as to whether We shall
actually erect (ahem) the Christmas tree, rather than dragging it back down
below. After all, We would be putting it
up three weeks from tomorrow anyway.))
The
bumpy road you’ve been on for a while is going to get a whole lot smoother
today. (Preparation H™…it’s what’s for
dinner.)
(Apparently,
all roads lead to Uranus.)
What’s
funny is (Not so much this horoscope?)
that
while you’ll love the change of pace, (To say nothing of the change of
pacemaker.)
(No,
really…say NOTHING!)
a
part of you is going to miss all of the exciting drama. (Well, We ARE on e-pissode
behind (ooops…We said “behind”) on The
Young and the Rest Of Us.)
An easy life can become a boring life, (Which
is just a hop, skip, and an orphan away from A Hard Knock Life. (Your son’ll come out, tomorroooooooooowwww….))
and
this is something you understand all too well. (What’s so funny ‘bout pilaf and
understanding?)
Just
try to enjoy this more peaceful period while it lasts. (Always™. Have A happy period.)
Don’t
wish it were different (Way to use the
subjunctive properly, Kelli! You GO,
gurrrlll!!!)
—
because soon enough it will be! (Whatever will be, will be. The doctor’s Mar-cus Wel-by…)
(Our
baloney has a first name. Because We sit
around talking to lunchmeat.)
This
lull in the action will give you a chance to regroup and recharge. (And possibly regurgitate.)
While
this morning may revolve around contemplation of long term goals, tonight is
all about right here, right now — and you’re right at the center of the action!
(Actually, tonight We are off to see the
current dinner theatre murder mystery at the place which will be buying Our
murder mystery script. Which is a little
like putting the condom on after the whore.
(That IS the old saying, innit?
Some of those old sayings are DISGUSTING.))
There’s
no time like the present for flirtation! (So inflirt your flirtation devices
(ermegerd, flirtertion! (See? We are hep
to all the latest memes.)))
(Your
Your-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com)
(Meanwhile, why
We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
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Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
