Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FriedEgg, November 2, 2012. Happy All Souls Day to any of Our Gentle Readers who have yet to sell their souls. Izzit just Us, or if you say “All Souls” real fast, does it sound like a Chinaman saying, “Ah, so”? Or, as a stretch, “Asshole”?
But fear not, Our brethren and cisterns, after yesterday’s anal bleaching Uranus fest, We have no intention of any more rooting about in anyone’s nether regions for humor today.
Who let all those chirping crickets in here all of a sudden?
This just in from everyone’s favorite news source, The Onion. This story goes out to Jill, whose impending nuptials are next weekend in Atlantic City. (Also, she’s getting married.): "We still have quite a way to go before Atlantic City is once again a fully operational destroyer of marriages."
As you can see, We’ve clearly got nothin’. So here are some wildly inappropriate tweets from the TwatterVerse to ensure that you all get every penny of your money’s worth:
Air bags: your car's attempt to cheer you up after an accident by giving you surprise balloons.
If your girl gets mad at you while she's having her period, she's probably just ovary-acting.
Getting stoned and trying to load the dishwasher is like real-life Tetris.
Ben Franklin ties a key to a kite and he's a hero. I duct tape a kitten to a stop sign, and I'm an asshole? Really, History?
Does Whoopi Goldberg know her name roughly translates to Sex Jew?
The guy who invented the couch should run for President. His campaign slogan could be, "Dude, I invented the fucking couch."
Theoretically, you can't complain if there's a pubic hair on your everything bagel.
There is no straight way to wash a carrot.
Here is the link with which you would share Our new Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined. Like the plane. http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg . Enjoy!
Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):
Here’s the HorrorScope:
It is both James Polk and Warren Harding’s birthday today. How they managed not to make THIS Presidents’ Day is beyond Us.
Arguments break out over almost anything today (Do not!)
— but you don’t have to take them seriously! (On Polk and Harding Day? Oh, yes, you do!)
In fact, you may find that your energy is better spent on reconciliation than on stirring up trouble. (Well, now that the existence of Our basement-emptying efforts have been validated by a witness other than Ourselves, We intend to spend today and tomorrow returning all of this crap to the dungeon. So duzzat count as “reconciliation” or “stirring up trouble”? (We are as yet undecided as to whether We shall actually erect (ahem) the Christmas tree, rather than dragging it back down below. After all, We would be putting it up three weeks from tomorrow anyway.))
The bumpy road you’ve been on for a while is going to get a whole lot smoother today. (Preparation H™…it’s what’s for dinner.)
(Apparently, all roads lead to Uranus.)
What’s funny is (Not so much this horoscope?)
that while you’ll love the change of pace, (To say nothing of the change of pacemaker.)
(No, really…say NOTHING!)
a part of you is going to miss all of the exciting drama. (Well, We ARE on e-pissode behind (ooops…We said “behind”) on The Young and the Rest Of Us.)
An easy life can become a boring life, (Which is just a hop, skip, and an orphan away from A Hard Knock Life. (Your son’ll come out, tomorroooooooooowwww….))
and this is something you understand all too well. (What’s so funny ‘bout pilaf and understanding?)
Just try to enjoy this more peaceful period while it lasts. (Always™. Have A happy period.)
Don’t wish it were different (Way to use the subjunctive properly, Kelli! You GO, gurrrlll!!!)
— because soon enough it will be! (Whatever will be, will be. The doctor’s Mar-cus Wel-by…)
(Our baloney has a first name. Because We sit around talking to lunchmeat.)
This lull in the action will give you a chance to regroup and recharge. (And possibly regurgitate.)
While this morning may revolve around contemplation of long term goals, tonight is all about right here, right now — and you’re right at the center of the action! (Actually, tonight We are off to see the current dinner theatre murder mystery at the place which will be buying Our murder mystery script. Which is a little like putting the condom on after the whore. (That IS the old saying, innit? Some of those old sayings are DISGUSTING.))
There’s no time like the present for flirtation! (So inflirt your flirtation devices (ermegerd, flirtertion! (See? We are hep to all the latest memes.)))
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.