Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherManHandler™Monday, November 26, 2012. “How do you handle a Hungry Man? The Man Handler™!” Ah, The Good Olde Days, when television commercials were double entendres designed to make underaged children think about oral sex! We’ve got yer “Man Handler™” right HERE, bee-yotch!
(Micro$oft Weird™, meanwhile, is attempting to persuade Us that “underaged” isn’t a word. Apparently, Micro$oft Weird™ has been ordained a Catholic priest. What ELSE isn’t a word, Father Weird™? “Underanged”? “Underrooed™”? “UnderCoverAngelMidNightFantasy”?)
In other news, Happy Belated Birthday to Sandy, who turned twenty-four yesterday somewhere in IDon’tThinkWe’reInKansasAnyMore. And Happy Belated Birthday to Cole who turned twenty-four in TheBigApple.
(It occurs to Us that One has not encountered many people in life named “Cole”. One does have some sort of cousin once or twice removed with that name, but he is too underaged, underanged, and Underrooed™ to be reading this e-pisstle. Other than that…Cole Porter? Cole Slaw? Cole Uncleansing?)
Schtick around for da jokes…
In UpToTheMinute Birthday Wishes, Happy Birthday to Steve, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Our very Own vicinity. Also, Happy Birthday to Michael, who also turns twenty-four today somewhere in Greater Bostonia. Also also, Happy Birthday to Our fellow Britlander, Jane, who also also turns twenty-four today, but not in Britland.
Speaking of birthdays and the attendant ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulations), We trust it will have by now come to your attention that We have a brand spanking (heh) new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video, which you can see above. It is somewhat of a departure for Us, and the reviews so far have all been raves, many people referring to it as Our “best video ever”. Please do give it a whirl and see what all the fuss is about.
Also, here is the link with which YOU will share it with all your friends:
In random bits of leftover news, We trimmed Our tree yesterday. (Why does that sound dirty every time We say it?) Also, it is Tina Turner’s birthday, as well as Rich Little’s. Which is making Us imagine Rich Little’s Tina Turner impression. But is NOT making Us imagine Tina Turner’s Rich Little impression. Because that? Would just be silly.
Here, not a moment too soon Mel Torme in a monsoon---
(What? We have Tourette’s syndrome. It’s just not the funny kind. Pigfuckers.)
---is the HorrorScope:
You are much easier to get along with today, (Than what?)
so make sure that your people are all within your sphere of influence. (Oh, sure, easy for you to say. You KNOW how We always confuse that with Our dodecahedron of flatulence.)
(Heh. “Dodecahedron of flatulence”. We kill Us.)
(How could you trust anyone who tries to tell you that “heh” is not a word?)
You can actually sway them pretty easily with a small-scale charm offensive. (We are thinking that, if your charm is offensive? It’s not very charming. Which, of course, makes Us think of PRINCE Charming, and from there, it’s just one short slippery slope to Prince Harry Naked.)
If managing your finances has become tricky, (Not so much tricky as existential. The sound of one nickel rubbing together being much like the sound of one hand clapping.)
today you are in luck. (Is it just Us, or do you think Kelli cobbled this horoscope together by opening a bunch of Chinese fortune cookies?)
(We are now wondering what made Us say “CHINESE fortune cookies”, as opposed to, say, “Lithuanian fortune cookies” or “French foreign legion”.)
A friend has some good advice that you should listen to. (We can only imagine.)
You might not like the sound of it at first, but once they show you the impact that they have made on their money situation, you will be a true believer! (It’s a pyramid scheme, innit? Just as long as We don’t have to walk like an Egyptian…)
(Often, the humor in here is so suBtle, you barely know it’s there. Much like now.)
If you want things to change, (Who’s got change for a nickel?)
you have to be willing to put in a little bit more effort. (Hey, it’s the dodecahedron of flatulence…We have to put in more effart.)
Self discipline is not always fun, (But trimming your own tree is a riot.)
(See how dirty that sounds? And it’s totally not Our fault!)
but it is always effective, so take notes (La.)
and get ready for some changes. (Apropos of nothing and completely randomly, here is last year’s Sagittarius video for your comparing pleasure:
Aren’t you agreeable today! (No.)
(We would say, “see what We did there?”, but Helen Keller could see what We did there. (Speaking of Helen Keller, We are following her on Twitter. True fact.))
God dammit, who put that wall there?
I'm bored. I should do some reading. Or sitting here in complete darkness and silence also sounds fun.
I wish staircase tumbling was an olympic event.
The people around you may be surprised (SURPRISE!!!)
by how willing you are to let someone else take the lead for once. (Take any damn element you want.)
(Wait for it…THERE ya go!)
Plus you’re extra amenable to meeting all kinds of new people, so go with the flow! (Kiss Us quick, We’re the New Christie Menstruals.)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.