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Friday, November 30, 2012

Let’s have a kiki

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, November 30, 2012.  Happy Birthday to Joanne, who turns twenty-four today.  And happy Saint Andrew’s Day to the rest of all y’all.  Saint Andrew, Wikipedia would inform you if you did not already know, is the patron saint of Scotland.  Also Greece, Romania, Russia, Ukraine, Barbados, and the Ecumenical Patriarchate of Constantinople.  We certainly hope you have your travel agent on speed dial, because who wouldn’t want to spend a long holiday weekend on the sunny beaches of the Ecumenical Patriarchate of Constantinople?

Astute non-naked-skimmer readers may notice that today’s e-pissode of Erix Daily Horoscope is thirty-seven percent less funny than Our usual level of side-splitting hilarity.  For example, We mentioned Scotland in the preceding paragraph, and didn’t make a single “what’s-under-the-kilt” joke.  This is due to the fact that We just yesterday learned that We shall be required to be funny in two further e-pisstles this weekend, for reasons which shall be made clear to you in A Very Special E-pissode Of Blossom…er, Of Erix Daily Horoscope, coming (heh) soon to a computer near you.  And We didn’t want to shoot Our entire wad early, as it (subjunctively) were.

Speaking of wad-shooting, this just in from The Latest Stupid-Ass Fad Department:  The Latest Stupid-Ass Fad is apparently called “milking” (get your minds out of the gutter), and involves pouring an entire carton of milk over One’s own head in a public place.  Which see:

You’re welcome.

This just in from Helen Keller on Twitter:
#WorstDayEver burned my mouth drinking hot chocolate, now I can't taste anything either.

The most action I've got in the last 2 months was letting my blind guy friends read my T-shirt.

That awkward moment when your boyfriend tells you "I think we should see other people."

Another reason We are attempting not to squander Our funny is that We will be writing and shooting a brand spanking (heh) new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video this weekend.  Our most recent effort, which you can see above, is somewhat of a departure for Us, and the reviews so far have all been raves, many people referring to it as Our “best video ever”.  So stay tuned next month to see how We side-step attempting to top that.

(Of COURSE We are a top.  Who can possibly have been telling you otherwise?)

(Dammit, some funny slipped out!  (Wet fart…who’s got a comb?))

Meanwhile, if each of you who is reading this right now used the following link to share the aforementioned most recent video with a friend:   …two more whole people would have seen it by the end of the day!

Alternatively, if each of you who is nakedly skimming this right now shared it, Starzina would rule the known universe.  (After you do that, please sext Us a picture of yourself counting to twenty-one.  KThxBye.)

(Apropos of nothing and completely randomly, here is last year’s Sagittarius video for your comparing pleasure:


And here’s the HorrorScope:

It is the birthday of a ridiculous number of incredibly famous people today, and We are not inclined to list them all.  So, due to Our love of The Theatre, We shall simply inform you that today is David Fucking Mamet’s Motherfucking Goddamn Birthday, you Cocksucking Fuckstain.

Life gets a little easier for you today, as you find that people are more congenial and obstacles seem to just melt away.  (Mmm-hmm.   What’s your dealer’s number again?)

Take advantage of this opportunity (And its knockers!)

and move forward quickly!  (With an exclamation point, even!  As musicians would say, “Presto!”  As jazz musicians would say, “What’s your dealer’s number again?”)

(Dammit, the funny just leaks out and We can’t stop it.)

Positive energy is swarming all around you, today, (Shit…We dropped the toaster into the bathtub again.)

protecting you from any bad mojo (“Mojo”?)

and keeping a bright smile on your face all day long. (Electrocution will have that effect.  Elocution, on the other hand…repeat after Us: “Homo mojo, get some fro-yo, YOLO”.)

Get ready for some unexpected flirtation (Also, unexpected fartation.)

and a few sweet gifts to come your way. (Candy-coated popcorn, penis, and a prize…that’s what you get in Cracker-Jack™.)

They are someone’s way of getting you to finally notice them and spend a little more time with them. (Well, a candy-coated penis will have that effect.)

This is a banner day if you are in the mood for romance, even the harmless and platonic kind. (It is a John Banner kind of day if you are in the mood to know nussing.)

(We just can’t stop Ourselves.)

No one’s taking themselves too seriously, (Well, David Mamet is singing Edith Piaf, but other than that…)

(We have no idea.)

which is always a good thing.  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Martha Stewart’s dry cleaner.)

 Getting something sweet going is incredibly easy now, thanks to the big boost your energy is giving you.  (To say nothing of that candy-coated penis from earlier.)

Moreover, high-tech is favored, so how about checking out online personals sites for new prospects?  (Oh, whatever.  We’ll give ya two nickels to pour a carton of milk over your head.)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.