Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, November 30, 2012. Happy Birthday to Joanne, who turns
twenty-four today. And happy Saint
Andrew’s Day to the rest of all y’all.
Saint Andrew, Wikipedia would inform you if you did not already know, is
the patron saint of Scotland. Also
Greece, Romania, Russia, Ukraine, Barbados, and the Ecumenical Patriarchate of
Constantinople. We certainly hope you
have your travel agent on speed dial, because who wouldn’t want to spend a long
holiday weekend on the sunny beaches of the Ecumenical Patriarchate of
Constantinople?
Astute non-naked-skimmer readers may notice
that today’s e-pissode of Erix Daily Horoscope is thirty-seven percent less
funny than Our usual level of side-splitting hilarity. For example, We mentioned Scotland in the preceding
paragraph, and didn’t make a single “what’s-under-the-kilt” joke. This is due to the fact that We just
yesterday learned that We shall be required to be funny in two further
e-pisstles this weekend, for reasons which shall be made clear to you in A Very
Special E-pissode Of Blossom…er, Of Erix Daily Horoscope, coming (heh) soon to
a computer near you. And We didn’t want
to shoot Our entire wad early, as it (subjunctively) were.
Speaking of wad-shooting, this just in from
The Latest Stupid-Ass Fad Department: The
Latest Stupid-Ass Fad is apparently called “milking” (get your minds out of the
gutter), and involves pouring an entire carton of milk over One’s own head in a
public place. Which see:
You’re welcome.
This just in from Helen Keller on Twitter:
The most action I've
got in the last 2 months was letting my blind guy friends read my T-shirt.
That awkward moment
when your boyfriend tells you "I think we should see other people."
Another reason We are attempting not to
squander Our funny is that We will be writing and shooting a brand spanking
(heh) new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video this weekend. Our most recent effort, which you can see
above, is somewhat of a departure for Us, and the reviews so far have all been
raves, many people referring to it as Our “best video ever”. So stay tuned next month to see how We
side-step attempting to top that.
(Of COURSE We are a top. Who can possibly have been telling you
otherwise?)
(Dammit, some funny slipped out! (Wet fart…who’s got a comb?))
Meanwhile, if each of you who is reading this
right now used the following link to share the aforementioned most recent video
with a friend:
http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y
…two more whole people would have
seen it by the end of the day!
Alternatively, if each of you who is nakedly skimming this right
now shared it, Starzina would rule the known universe. (After you do that, please sext Us a picture
of yourself counting to twenty-one.
KThxBye.)
(Apropos
of nothing and completely randomly, here is last year’s Sagittarius video for
your comparing pleasure:
)
And here’s the HorrorScope:
It is the birthday of a ridiculous number of
incredibly famous people today, and We are not inclined to list them all. So, due to Our love of The Theatre, We shall
simply inform you that today is David Fucking Mamet’s Motherfucking Goddamn
Birthday, you Cocksucking Fuckstain.
Life gets a little easier for you today, as
you find that people are more congenial and obstacles seem to just melt away. (Mmm-hmm.
What’s your dealer’s number again?)
Take advantage of this opportunity (And its
knockers!)
and move forward quickly! (With an exclamation point, even! As musicians would say, “Presto!” As jazz musicians would say, “What’s your
dealer’s number again?”)
(Dammit, the funny just leaks out and We can’t
stop it.)
Positive energy is swarming all around you,
today, (Shit…We dropped the toaster into the bathtub again.)
protecting you from any bad mojo (“Mojo”?)
and keeping a bright smile on your face all
day long. (Electrocution will have that effect.
Elocution, on the other hand…repeat after Us: “Homo mojo, get some
fro-yo, YOLO”.)
Get ready for some unexpected flirtation (Also,
unexpected fartation.)
and a few sweet gifts to come your way. (Candy-coated
popcorn, penis, and a prize…that’s what you get in Cracker-Jack™.)
They are someone’s way of getting you to
finally notice them and spend a little more time with them. (Well, a
candy-coated penis will have that effect.)
This is a banner day if you are in the mood
for romance, even the harmless and platonic kind. (It is a John Banner kind of
day if you are in the mood to know nussing.)
(We just can’t stop Ourselves.)
No one’s taking themselves too seriously, (Well,
David Mamet is singing Edith Piaf, but other than that…)
(We have no idea.)
which is always a good thing. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Martha Stewart’s dry
cleaner.)
Getting something sweet going is incredibly
easy now, thanks to the big boost your energy is giving you. (To say nothing of that candy-coated penis
from earlier.)
Moreover, high-tech is favored, so how about
checking out online personals sites for new prospects? (Oh, whatever. We’ll give ya two nickels to pour a carton of
milk over your head.)
(Your
Your-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com)
(Meanwhile, why
We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular)
advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
No comments:
Post a Comment