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Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Burn, baby, burn! Disco inferno!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WedNezDay, November 14, 2012. Happy Birthday to Glenn, who turns twenty-four today SomeWhere in SubUrbia.  (Is it just Us, or does capitalizing it like that make it seem as though there were (subjunctively) a place called “Urbia”, and then another place which is, more or less, Under Urbia.  Lower Urbia, perhaps, or Lesser Urbia, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…it’s Glenn’s birthday, not yours.))

(We are clearly working Our way up to a Pliny the Elder joke.  And how often does THAT happen?)

(Did anybody else just feel compelled to go Google “Who the fuck was Pliny the Elder” on Wikipedia?  Not very interesting, was it?)

Also, lest you think the birthday wishes have come to an end, Happy Birthday to Joe, who also turns twenty-four today. In Fair Brooklyn, the pride of, the thorn in the side of, New York.  Also also, Happy Birthday to OurShaun, who turns twenty-four today all the way across the pond in London, England, UK.  Or, as We like to call it, the YUK.  Of course, if OurShaun celebrated his birthday as many times per year as that OTHER Queen over there, he’d be a HUNDRED and twenty-four by now.

Our goodness Us, that certainly is A Whole Lotta Hotties having birthdays today.  Gives a whole new euphemistic meaning to the phrase “burning the (birthday) candle at both ends”.  (No, really…it does.  Think about it…see?)  Good thing they’re all so geographically separated, or there would no doubt be some sort of spontaneous combustion.

(Is it just Us (do We ask that a lot?), or, if “A Whole Lotta Hotties” didn’t mean what it actually means, would it be a menu item at the International House of Pancakes?)

In other news, We are off this evening to the postponed-from-last-Wednesday reading of Our murder mystery, where, We trust, a good time will be had by all.  All things considered, We are having a most excellent week here at Casa de CrazyPants.  (Naturally, having said that, the roof shall cave in at any moment.)

Here is the link with which you would share Our Time of the Month Horoscope: Scorpio video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined.  Like the plane. .  Enjoy!

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Speaking of hotties having birthdays, today is Josh Duhamel’s birthday, and if you tell Us you wouldn’t like to do a little pressing on THAT birthday suit, We won’t believe you. To calm you down, however, We shall tell you that it is also Yanni’s birthday.  You’re welcome.

An uncomfortable social situation awaits — and you may know full well what’s happening even before it hits. (It’s a READING, fercrissakes…what could go wrong?  (She said, as everyone who shows up to read turns out to be dyslexic.))

That doesn’t mean you can avoid it, though. (Is it just Us (the third time being, of course, the charm), or is it a little weird in here today?  Seriously…Pliny the Elder AND Yanni?  Oh, well…at least We managed to refrain from telling the story about Glenn in the catsuit.)

Just suffer through it and try to learn something.  (Alternatively, close your eyes and think of England.)

 You’ll be stuck behind some rather slow-moving people today, so get ready to be patient.  (We done TOLE you and TOLE you:  Separate sidewalks for fat people.  Why, that Matt Ramjet guy might’ve won the Presidential election if he’d made that his platform.)

Bring a book with you just in case you’re stuck in a long line.  (Make it a nice thick book, in hardcover, so you can bash their heads in.)

(What?  You didn’t think it was to read, did you?  What the hell kind of advice is “read a book”?)

Make sure you’ve got good music in your car, because traffic could be hairy. (“Hairy”?  Really?  Traffic is only “hairy” if there are naked people on bicycles.)

And take deep, controlled breaths if you are stuck trying to explain something kind of simple to someone who is also kind of simple. (And right away, Kelli makes Glenn, Joe, Shaun, Josh, and Yanni’s birthdays all complete by telling a ‘tard joke.  Way to go, Kelli.)

(Ya know, this e-pissode of Erix daily Horoscope would be absolutely perfect if only it were (subjunctively) also Pliny the Elder’s birthday.  Also, if YouPeople would stop picturing Glenn, Joe, Shaun, Josh, and Yanni naked on bicycles. (Well, okay, Joe, Shaun, Josh, and Yanni are naked; Glenn is in a catsuit.  (No, We’re not gonna tell you why.)))

It’s not that you are impatient or unreasonable: You’re not. (The hell you say.)

But right now everything and everyone else is stuck in a lower gear.  (What if we just push this button that says “Frappé”?)

(We’ll take “Things RuPaul Would Say” for $500,  Alex.)

What you consider friendly might come across as a little aggressive to somebody not quite as bold as you are. (What the fuck are you talking about, you stupid bitch?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Try a smile and a friendly question rather than obvious flirtation. (A queenly frisson?  An oblivious quotation?  There’s a wordplay joke in here somewhere, but We can’t quite make it out.)

Sometimes opposites really do attract! (Sometimes you feel like your nuts, sometimes catsuit.)

(It was NOT a grammatical error; read it again.)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.