Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherManateeMonday, November 19, 2012. Happy belated birthday to Kathy, who turned twenty-four yesterday. Also, happy also belated birthday to Jacquie, who also turned twenty-four also yesterday. They are each, of course, twenty-four-and-a-day today, but We can’t think of a cunning linguistic way to wish them that.
The WorldWideInterWebNetz are a very strange place. But then, you probably already knew that. For example, on Twitter (where, We parentheticalized, We recently added Our 100th follower, and, if you are not one of Our followers, you should be, because We twuly tweet some twemendous twaddle (did We really just do that? We are SO sorry…))…where were We before We got caught up in parentheses? Oh, yes…on Twatter…er, Twitter this morning, We learned that Cher? Is going to the dentist today. Also? She is not looking forward to it.
Now, We don’t know about you (well, actually, We do…We’re psychic), but back in the day, when We were a wee ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist) watching The Sonny and Cher Show on black and white TV, We never dreamed that someday, We would know when Cher was going to the dentist because of some omniscient machine in OurHouseWhereWeLive. (We dreamed, like all other normal children, that We would know when Cher was going to the dentist because We would be living next door to her, and, as she got into the limo in the morning, she would wave at Us over the hydrangea bushes and call out, “I’m off to the dentist this morning! I’m not looking forward to it!” in that That’s-So-Cher way that she has, and We would know that, when she came back, she would come over for lunch and regale Us with wacky stories of what happened at the dentist’s while We ate Spaghetti-Os™.)
What? We can’t help it that you had a dull childhood. That’s what comes from having no imagination.
Switching gears completely (because there’s really only so much thinking-about-Cher’s-teeth that One can do when all One has had is black coffee), from The Sometimes You Don’t Even Need A Punchline Department, Justin Bieber’s date for the American Music Awards? His mom.
Meanwhile, in a completely random aside:
Dear Str8 Boi Readers:
When you say “Fantasy Football”, We automatically picture a gay porn film set in a locker room.
In still other news, today is apparently both Meg Ryan and Jodie Foster’s birthday. Which is causing Us to imagine both Meg Ryan as Jodie Foster in The Jodie Foster Story AND Jodie Foster as Meg Ryan in The Meg Ryan Story. The latter being worth the price of admission for the When Harry Met Sally orgasm scene alone.
I’ll have what she’s having.
Of course, the question on every inquiring mind is, who should play Billy Crystal?
Here’s the HorrorScope:
(In other news, there is absolutely no humor to be mined from Indira Gandhi’s birthday. Trust Us.)
You have got to move forward quickly — otherwise, things are likely to fly away from your control. (Ah, yes, the famous illusion that We have any control.)
That doesn’t mean that you need to dominate, (Domi-natrix, natrix, natrix…)
(That, of course, was to be sung to the tune of “Dominique”, that song by that singing nun called The Singing Nun. Meanwhile, being An Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know (no, really…who wants to know?), We just Googled “what ever happened to…” on Wikipedia, and found out that she killed herself. True fact. Happy Monday.)
just that the future is more enticing than the past. (It is also so bright, We’ve got to wear shades.)
You’re usually not a very impetuous person, (That’s because We don’t have any pets.)
but would it do you any harm to act more spontaneously? (Fine. We shall schedule that for 4:30 this afternoon.)
You can achieve your goals just as efficiently when you just run out and act on them. (What is this “run” of which you speak?)
There are only so many situations you can anticipate, so why try to cover all your bases? (Have you seen Our ass lately? If we did indeed play baseball, We could, in fact, cover ALL the bases.)
Right now you have positive energy on your side, and there’s an opportunity you just can’t pass up. (It’s the one with the big knockers, innit?)
Consider initiating contact with a certain hard-to-get type. (Yes, but what about that pesky restraining order?)
You’ve been assuming that they’re aloof, (How can One tell the difference between a loof and a loofah?)
but they really just might be shy. (Lord knows, We are.)
Make it low-stakes and you’re likely to get the response you want. (And, even if not, mmmm…steaks.)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.