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Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Welcome to VacationLand




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for MoonPie™WoobyTuesday, November 20, 2012. (For the phonetically-challenged amongst you, “MoonPie™WoobyTuesday” is, of course, the Special Ed rendition of “GoodPieRupeeTuesday”.  Which is, of course of course, a song by that other band of old guys who were NOT broken up by Yoko Ono.  Yoko Ono being, a horse is a horse of course of course, a song by the Beach Boys…


Aruba, Jamaica ooo I wanna take you 
To Bermuda, Bahama come on pretty mama 
Key Largo, Montego baby why don't we go 
Down to Yoko Ono 
We'll get there fast 
And then we'll take it slow 
That's where we wanna go 
Way down to Yoko Ono 


(Naturally, in order to make that joke scan properly, you pretty much have to pronounce “Yoko Ono” as “Yoko Oh No”. But We have it on good authority that that’s the way Paul McCartney always pronounced it.))


(Yes, ladies and genitals, a Beatles joke.  Now if you’ll just slap some Poli-Grip™ on one end of Us and some Depends™ on the other, We’ll go quietly into The Home.)


Actually, Eric’s Daily Horoscope will be on hiatus for several days whilst We go over the river and through the woods.  So We wanted to make sure you had plenty to remember Us by whilst We’re away.  And now that you have that Beach Boys song stuck in your heads, you shall.  You’re welcome.


(Please note that that paragraph contained two “whilsts” and a “shall”.  This shit does NOT write itself.)


In other news, Happy Birthday to Justin, who turns twenty-four today in one of the New Englandish states. Justin is a sort of New Age guru, an Oracle of the Light, as it (subjunctively) were.  We have not yet availed Our Own Self Personally of his services, although that is definitely on Our list for Our next trip to the Great White North.  We did, however, once Go Into The Light.  Carol Anne was in there.  She put a cigarette out on Our aura.


How many of you are now picturing Us as a dwarf?  (We’ll take outdated pop culture for $500, Alex.)


Happy Holidays from Genghis and Chaka Khan.


No, We have no idea…why do you ask?



In other other news, it seems to Us that things have been getting awfully “glass-half-full” in here lately.  So, lest you begin to imagine that The Pod People have taken over, We are going to complain.  Just so you know it’s We. (We, We, We, all the way home.):


When We make plans with you over a week in advance, and then confirm that said plans are still extant twenty-four hours in advance, you still have the option to cancel said plans, should unforeseen circumstances arise.  This requires, however, a phone call, email, text, or smoke signal to alert Us to said cancellation of said plans, so We are not left waiting for said no-longer-extant plans to commence, when there are about a two hundred and sixty-six kabillion and eleventy-twelve other things We could be accomplishing instead of waiting on your non-showing-up ass to show up.


KThxBye.


On the GlassHalfFull side, it is much more convenient to be stood up in One’s Own home than in some public venue.

Here’s the HorrorScope:


(Meanwhile, why are YouPeople still sitting there?  Do you have all of your Bo-Derek’s-Birthday shopping done?)

Your planning is going well, and you need to make sure that you’re sticking to whatever you had agreed to. (We are thinking that this particular piece of advice needs to be in SOMEBODY ELSE’S HOROSCOPE.  Bee-yotch.)

Of course, a few revisions may be called for, but you need buy-in from everyone first.  (We need SO many things.  Could We start with a winning PowerBall™ ticket?)

You can always try to plan ahead in life, but you can’t always succeed at mapping out your future down to the last minute. (Especially when other people just DON’T SHOW UP.)

So don’t get to feeling hopeless if something you really really thought was going to happen just doesn’t look like it’s going to pan out after all.  (Hmmm…sometimes things pan out… other times things peter out…do things ever Peter Pan out?)

(Vacation time shares in Our mind are still available for the Christmas holidays.)

You had things all lined up, and now you’re just going to have to line them up in a new configuration.  (How does one person line up?  Also, if a bunch of gay people stand in a row, can it still be a straight line?)

This is actually a very good day for you — you’re learning a valuable lesson at a very affordable price.  (Good, because as soon as We finishing e-pisstlizing here, We’re going SHOPPING!)

 Consider spending more time alone with your potential sweetie.  (Well, fine.  As soon as We get him inflated…)

Yes, you do have an extremely busy and fulfilling life — but you also want to make room in it for this prospect. (For some reason, this is making Us picture old prospectors.  Ya know, like from old Western movies.  With the scraggly beards, and the bad teeth…)

(Sigh.)

They’re worth keeping around.  (Because?  They’re worth.  Their weight.  In GOLD.)

(BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!!!)

Aruba, Jamaica ooo I wanna take you 
To Bermuda, Bahama come on pretty mama 
Key Largo, Montego baby why don't we go 
Down to Yoko Ono 
We'll get there fast 
And then we'll take it slow 
That's where we wanna go 
Way down to Yoko Ono 

                           

(Your Your-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.