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Thursday, November 1, 2012

In Oklahoma, not Arizona…what does it matter? What does it matter?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  Thursday, November 01th, 2012.  Happy Dia de los Muertos to all Our dead readers out there.  Also to Fred and Ethel Muertos.  And Happy All Saints Day to Our Catholic readers.  (That sort of pales by comparison to “Dia de los Muertos”, dunnit?  Especially if you manage to roll that tricky R in the middle there. (What?  Ricky Ricardo would do it.))

How We got from Dia de los Muertos to I Ruv Roosy, We haven’t got any idea.  (And Micro$oft Weird™ autocorrecting “Ruv” to “Rub” didn’t help matters, neither.)  At any rate, Happy Birthday to John, who turns twenty-four today.  Our SitOnMyFaceBook informs Us that, although he used to be in Africa, he is now in Arizona.  Apparently, he is seeing the world alphabetically. Which (and if you don’t see this coming, you may not know Us as well as you think) would seem to be A Long Way To Tipperary.

Heh.  We kill Us.

Also, Happy Birthday to Beth, who also turns twenty-four today.  In Suburbia.  Which, say what you will, is alphabetically much closer to Tipperary.

(We were about to embark on a long dissertation concerning the distance to Uranus, but We stopped Ourself in the nick of time.  You’re welcome.)

(Having, however, thus cited It’s A Long Way To Tipperary AND Uranus as a geographic destination, We may be inspired to craft an original song about Uranus for Our upcoming Starzina One Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Show, coming soon to a theatre near YOU. (Or near U.  (And Uranus.))

(Is anyone else hearing “U and Uranus” to the tune of “Me and My Shadow” now?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

Avid Erix Daily Horoscope readers who are non-naked-skimmers (and now We’re picturing some of the rest of you, nakedly skimming.  We always enjoy that.  Sigh.) will recall that We have friends in The Witch City, Salem, Massachusetts.  Which is closer to Uranus than Arizona.  But not as close as Suburbia.  Alphabetically speaking, at any rate. (Speaking alphabetically would seem to be extremely difficult.  Also counterproductive, communication-wise.  Here, for example, is the preceding paragraph, alphabetically speaking:

Alrighty and and anyone else hearing is Just Me My now of Shadow the then to tune U Uranus Us.??

But We digress.)

We mentioned Salem to tell you that this morning, We had a SitOnMyFaceBook message from the hotel at which We stayed on Our last visit, telling Us that they are beginning today to accept reservations for Halloween 2013.  And you thought Uranus was anal.

Speaking of digressing and naked skimmers, We are fairly sure that We have mentioned before, but We imagine it bears repeating, just how many of Our Gentle Readers We have actually seen naked.  And still We can’t get laid.  Go figger.

Here is the link with which you would share Our new Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined.  Like the plane. .  Enjoy!

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

In case you were wondering why today feels extra-specially festive, it is also Aishwarya Rai Bachchan’s birthday.  She is a former Miss World, which, though it sounds ridiculous, is at least possible, as opposed to Miss Universe, which, come on, how the hell does THAT get decided?  Also, how the hell do you say “chch” all together, and does someone provide a spitguard? (Apparently Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t, because it doesn’t recognize the word.)

You can’t just assume (Well, DUH.  That would make an ass out of you and Uma Thurman.  (Uma Thurman, parenthetically (hence the parentheses) is about as close to Uranus as you can get without being Uri Geller.))

that everyone else gets you today (Fuck it…anyone who wants Us can have Us.)

— it’s up to you to be as clear as you can!  (Honey, if We get any queerer…what?  Oh.  Never mind.)

Communication problems that start today are sure to linger, (The hell you say.)

so nip them in the bud when possible.  (Or just stick ‘em in Uranus.)

The bright and carefree attitude of a close friend  (Did We just accidentally stumble into a feminine hygiene spray commercial?)

has been darkening lately, (Anal bleaching.  It’s a thing now.  Look into it.)

but you shouldn’t let this change scare you off!  (If they over-bleach it, do you wind up with Albino Anus?  (And don’t it make your brown eye, don’t it make your brown eye, don’t it make your brown eye blue…))

(Heh.  We’re on a roll now.  Hold the mayo.  Meanwhile, is it just Us, or does Albino Anus sound like a character out of Li’l Abner?)

They need your feedback more than ever right now — but they just don’t know how to ask you for it. (Well, We’re just gonna give it to ‘em anyway!)

 Why not reach out to them? (Why not, indeed?)

A sweet email is the perfect way to let them know that you are there for them without making them feel embarrassed.  (Hey, We’ve already seen ‘em naked…how much more em-bare-assed can they get?)

(That there was a little play-on-words thingie.  How wuzzit?)

Remind them that you are available if and when they need you. (We are pretty much available no matter what.  Sigh.)

Even if they don’t reply, they will appreciate the gesture.  (Oh, we gotcher “gesture” right HERE.)

Flirting can be extra fun right now, (Not as much fun as farting, but still…)

but avoid taking it too far.  (We are a one-woman whoopee cushion.)

(What?  We’ve already quoted a Crystal Gayle song…clearly, it’s Anything Can Happen Day here at the Messkateers Club.)

Keep your tone light, (Fine…We’ll have ‘em bleach it along with Our anus.)

your responses noncommittal  (We’ll see about that.)

(Heh. SWWDT?)

and your options open. (Which is not the easiest thing in the world when you’re standing on your head with a bottle of Clorox™ in Uranus.)

There’s no reason to get involved until you’re ready.  (Set a timer.  Otherwise, Uranus might disappear entirely.)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.