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Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Oh, We wish We were (subjunctively) an Oscar Meyer™ wiener.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  WinesDay, October 31, 2012.  Happy Halloween to all you Happy Hallowieners and Hallowienettes. (We hear you all clamoring, “What the hell is a ‘Hallowienette’?”  And to both of you, We say, “A ‘Hallowienette’ is the feminine version of a ‘Hallowiener’.  ‘Wienette’ being a classy way of saying ‘vagina’, much like ‘wiener’ is a classy way of saying ‘dick’.  Get with the program, already.)

We Our Own Self Personally will be spending Our Halloween playing The Match Game.  We shall be dressed up as Jesus H. Christ, who is dressed up as Satan. We have devil horns that light up and blink.  You wouldn’t want to miss THAT, wouldja?  Come on down! Show up in costume!  Hell, just show up!  It’s only fifteen bucks, and you’ll be out by 9, free to go haunt other Halloween parties of your choosing.  If you’re a student, and you show up with TEN bucks in your hand, We’ll let you in.  If you show up with your wiener in your hand, We’ll probably let you in WITHOUT ten bucks.  Because that’s just the kind of stuff that happens when Jesus H. Christ works the door.

That’s The WaitStaff’s Real Housewives of South Philly Halloween Match Game Extravaganza! Tonight, 7:30 at L’Etage at 6th and Bainbridge.  Doors open at 7.  If you wanted to buy tickets in advance, you would do that here:
But if you didn’t, you would just show up at the door with something or another in your hand, and you would get in.  It’s a miracle!

(It took Us all this time to notice that We had been misspelling ‘wiener’ as ‘weiner’.  We never have that problem with dcik.)

And now, as a public service to Our procrastinating readers who have yet to figger out their Halloween costumes, here’s this (you’re welcome):



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Happy Halloween. For today we thought we’d dive deep into our archives and republish a piece by Tim Carvell. This first appeared on our website on October 31, 1999.
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Wear dark suit, white shirt, dark tie. Speak in modulated tones.

Undercover Police Officer 
Dress as usual, only more so. Act as you usually would, only more so. Swagger.

White House Intern
Wear khakis, button-down shirt. Behave as you usually would. They’re not all like her, you know.

Wear a coat and a tie. Behave normally. What, you think they’re all ass-grabbing freaks or something? They’re not. They’re normal people, just like you and me.

War Criminal 
Dress as you usually do. Act as you usually do. Decline to supply information about your past.

Douglas Fairbanks 
Locate grave of Douglas Fairbanks, dig up remains, attach them to self with duct tape. Behave as you imagine Douglas Fairbanks might.

A Unicorn 
Dress as you usually would. Inform people that you are dressed as a unicorn. When people point out that you look nothing like a unicorn, tell them that unicorns don’t exist, and to stop being such babies.

Drink a fifth of bourbon. With a sharp, clean knife, remove one or more limbs. Cauterize wound(s).

Newborn Baby 
Shave off all body hair, cover self in amniotic fluid. Arrange to be carried around by ankles. Mingle.

Ned Beatty 
Find a plastic surgeon who will make you look as much like Ned Beatty as is surgically possible. Many surgeons will refuse; keep looking until you find one who agrees. Undergo many painful operations until you are a dead ringer for Ned Beatty. Arrive at party and be mistaken for Ned Beatty, then inform your friends of what you have done. They will be amazed. It will all be worth it.
Here is the link with which you would share Our new Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined.  Like the plane. .  Enjoy!

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):

And one more non sequitur before We carry on…someone subscribed to Our YouTube channel yesterday, so, of course, as One does, We returned the favor, and asked him how he had stumbled upon Us.  His response:

You asked how I found you...
I Googled Dick Gautier today(his 81st birthday) and a photo of you in a "I Got It In The Bunghole" t-shirt popped up. True story.
So We are just a little bit more famous today than We were yesterday.  Because now We know somebody who Googles Dick Gautier.  (Did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us.)

Here’s the HorrorScope:

In case you were wondering why there was just a little bit more music in The Universe today than usual, it is both Willow Smith’s AND Vanilla Ice’s birthday today.

Something’s in the way (Something in the way she moves…)


- so climb (ev’ry mountain, ford ev’ry stream, follow ev’ry rainbow, till you want to scream.)

(Life is just a fucking musical comedy, innit?)

over it, move around it or tunnel under it if you must. (Alternatively, whip your hair back and forf.)

Obstacles don’t mean it’s time to quit; they symbolize your efforts to do what you need to do.  (Yeah, whatever.  Shut up, Kelli…the sun is shining!)

You’ve been too agreeable lately (Have not.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

(Are you kidding?  Helen Keller saw what We did there, and explained it to Ray Charles.)

— and you run the risk of being branded a pushover!  (Which is better than being branded a pullover, because why burn a hole in a perfectly good sweater?)

(Hey, they can’t ALL be comedy gold.  (Did We mention that Helen Keller saw what We did there, and explained it to Ray Charles?))

Today, it’s time to stand up for what you think is right.  (We will stand up when a boy walks through the door of L’Etage with his wiener in his hand, and not a moment before.)

Don’t back off from being the lone voice of dissent in the room. (What if We want to switch off to being the lone voice of ASSent?)

(Heh.  We said “ASS”.)

If something isn’t right to you, then it isn’t right!  (We are, after all, The Arbiter Of RightNess.  The Right Guard, if you will.  (Or even if you won’t…what the fuck makes you think it’s all about YOU?)  We have A Divine Right.  And Our Left ain’t bad, neither.)

(Does anyone have the vaguest idea what the hell We’re talking about, and, if so, could you tell Us, please?)

You deserve the chance to say your piece (“Your piece.”)

(Heh.  We kill Us.)

and have your thoughts be given just as much respect as everyone else’s.   (Shut. Up. AssHat.)

(We would say “see what We did there?” again, but nobody liked Our Helen Keller joke.  Party-pooping party-poopers who poop inappropriately at parties.)


If at first you don’t succeed romantically, should you try again? (Maybe We should try it with another person involved this time?  And not, like, ya know, an inflatable one?)

Unless you’re crossing over into overdoing it, you should probably give a certain person or situation another try. (Well, that was just a staggering monument to unspecificity, wunnit?)

Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.