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Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Can you read my mind?




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WinesDay, October 17, 2012.  Happy birthday to Our Aunt B, who turns twenty-four today in the vicinity of Hershey, PA (where the chocolate comes from).  In honor of her birthday, the Hershey Company announced this today: http://philadelphia.foobooz.com/2012/10/16/because-too-much-is-never-enough-tastykake-and-hersheys-together-at-last/ which, We warn you, you will get cavities just from reading.

And Happy Hump Day to any of the rest of you who haven’t slipped into a sugar coma.

We are a wee tad confused Our Own Self this morning, having somehow managed to sleep all the way through the night without waking up at all, which absolutely never happens.  AND We didn’t wet the bed!  WINNING!

In other news, the dinner theatre murder mystery We are writing continues apace.  Yesterday, We got all the way up to killing someone.  Unfortunately, in dinner theatre terms, that only takes Us up to the soup course. Also, We probably can’t kill anyone else, lest We limit Our list of suspects too severely.  Somehow, We suspect Tennessee Williams didn’t encounter these problems.

Meanwhile, the following is less than two weeks away:
The WaitStaff’s Halloween Match Game Extravaganza!

 The Real Housewives of South Philly join host Gene Rayburn and the usual assortment of ding-a-lings for a kreepy, kooky, mysterious and spooky, altogether ooky Halloween edition of The Match Game!

Friday and Saturday, October 26 & 27, and Wednesday, October 31 (that's Halloween!)  All shows are at 7:30.





Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above):





Here’s the HorrorScope:

But first, for a little birthday perspective (since most of you are unacquainted with Our Aunt B), today both Eminem and Wyclef Jean turn forty.  Also, both Margot Kidder and George Wendt (Norm from Cheers) turn sixty-four.  Here in Our little corner of the world, of course, We are doing twenty-four until We get it right.

You need to deal with an issue that just isn’t going away (Those dirty rings!  You’ve tried scrubbing them out, you’ve tried soaking them out, and you can still come out with Ring Around The Collar.)

(Who remembers those commercials?  (We bet Margot Kidder and George Wendt do.) Why didn’t that poor woman tell her pig of a husband to wash his fucking neck?)

— even though you don’t fully understand it yet.  (Of course, if your laundry is talking to you, you’ve probably got worse problems than a husband who doesn’t bathe properly.)

Things are getting pretty weird, (And yet, somehow We manage to avoid conversing with clothing.  Go figger.)

but as long as you’re honest with yourself, you should be fine. (Funny you should mention.  Just yesterday, We caught Ourself lying to Us.   Fortunately, We overheard Our chemise telling Our dickey the truth.)

(What?)

You’ve been cruising along nicely in the fast lane lately, but today you might want to ease over to the slow side of the road. (Okay, We’re going to stop now.  We don’t want to run out of funny before We get to the next act of the murder mystery. (Maybe some talking underwear would spice the thing up.))

Too much is going on, (And not enough is coming off.)

and there is some exciting stuff you’re going to miss out on if you are not careful!  (That’s what the camisole said.)

(Having just gone back to re-read that, We are fairly certain that it will never replace “that’s what she said”.  Oh, well.)

Sure, it’s nice to have a lot going on in your life, (But if you have to turn on the washing machine to drown out the voices, it’s time to admit you might have a problem.)

(There is a Wisk™-and-soda joke right on the tip of Our tongue, but We just can’t quite get it out.)

but sometimes it’s just as nice to step on the brakes and take a more leisurely route to where you are going.  (Okay, Comcast just robo-called Us to tell Us that a bunch of channels are changing their numbers.  Seriously, the PHONE is how you choose to share this?  Because We’re going to REMEMBER that you told Us that Channel 7 is now Channel 52, and Channel 36 is now Channel 11?  You’ve not heard of, say, EMAIL?)

(AssHats.)

The landscape is lovely in your life right now (The portrait in the attic, on the other hand, looks like Margot Kidder’s vagina.)

— why not take a longer look?  (Are you kidding?  Even Margot Kidder can’t stand looking at Margot Kidder’s vagina.  Talk about Ring Around The Collar.)

(See how effortlessly We weave all the themes together? Like a well-woven woven weaving thing.)

Your words are weapons — when you don’t want to get close, you just open up your mouth and yak, yak, yak.  (Well, that’s better than ox, ox, ox.  Or buffalo, buffalo, buffalo.)

(Do the bunny hop. Hop, hop, hop.)

Unavailable much? (Also, unavailable mulch.)

(Channel 58 is now Channel 14 and a half.  Channel 37 is Margot Kidder’s vagina.)

(We just mistyped that as “vaguina”.  Which, naturally, reminded Us of the Tennessee Williams play, Night of the Vaguina.  Which is on Channel 8 tonight at 9. Or Channel 9 tonight at 8.  One of those.)

 Don’t hide behind a wall of verbiage. (Indeed not.  Walls of verbiage are so 70s rec room.  Hide behind a wall of Margot Kidder’s vaguina.)

Instead, silence yourself. (We shall have to.  We’re pretty sure We just ran out of the funny.)

Intimacy lies in the absence of noise and the warmth of bed. (That’s exactly what the culottes said to the sweater vest.)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.