Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FriedEgg, October 5, 2012. You will be pleased to hear that We think We are rising up out of Our Depression. We are sure you will be pleased because of the enormous outpouring of well-wishes and support. Hey, Delusional is a step up from Depressed, yes?
Culturally this morning, We have already exposed Ourself (heh) to Adele’s theme song for the new James Bond fillum, Skyfall. While We have never actually sat through a James Bond fillum, We are well-versed in James Bond fillum theme songs, and We have to say that this one is not quite up to snuff. It has the endless-repetition-to-stick-it-in-your-head thing down, but what it is repeating is a little too dirge-y and not quite catchy enough. Also, surprisingly for Adele, it never becomes quite as anthemesque as a James Bond fillum theme song should. It’s as if Jane Olivor forced Alanis Morissette at gunpoint to sing a James Bond fillum theme song in the style of Janis Ian.
We are absolving Ourself of the need to write this paragraph, and will explain at a future date.
Meanwhile, in the Witch City of Salem, Massachusetts, THIS is happening: http://www.scarymarylives.com/
And may We, mais oui, just say, We’d like to hear Scary Mary’s version of a James Bond fillum theme song.
Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above):
Here’s the HorrorScope:
Meanwhile, in keeping with yesterday’s Leonardo DiCaprio’s penisfest, today is Kate Winslet’s birthday. Hence today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Lucy Liu. Also, Larry Fine of The Three Stooges would be a hundred and ten years old today, if he weren’t (subjunctively) dead (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!). Also, Oscar™-nominated actor Jesse Eisenberg is celebrating a birthday today. It is a little-known fact that he is also responsible for developing The Eisenberg Uncertainty Principle, which states that, in any paragraph containing the word “penisfest”, no one will read anything that follows that word.
You need to take it easy today (We are easy like Sunday morning, We are easy like an Easy Bake Oven™, We are easy peasy George and Weezie.)
(What? We TOLD you Our Depression was lifting.)
— and fortunately, that’s already in the works! (See, now, “works” doesn’t sound easy. How about “that’s already in the penisfest”?)
Maybe you get the day off, (Ya think?)
maybe you find a sudden hole in your schedule (There’s a hole in your schedule, dear Liza, dear Liza.)
(Heh. We said “hole”.)
or maybe you just score tickets to a big game. (Have you met Us?)
There will be a lot of confusion around your communication today, (Fleerden Floorten zimblap.)
(See what We did there?)
so do what you can to exchange your ideas face to face. (Fine. What time is Jesse Eisenberg coming over?)
(Whaddaya mean, “you’re uncertain”?)
(How dare you turn Our Own jokes against Us? WE’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU!)
If you are building a romance online, it’s time to stop the electronic back and forth and schedule a good old-fashioned date. (Followed by a good old-fashioned fig.)
(Fig ‘em if they can’t take a joke.)
It’s the only way to move things forward on solid footing. (What do feet have to do with anything?)
You need to get someone’s attention (AHEM!)
to finish a conversation that started a few days ago. (No time to talk…penisfest!)
(We are thinking that a penisfest is something like Oktoberfest, but with somewhat less beer, and absolutely no lederhosen.)
(Absolutely No Lederhosen should be the title of somebody’s autobiography. Possibly Helmut Schmidt. Or Werner Klemperer.)
(And thereby to all those naysayers who said they’d never see a Helmut Schmidt reference in an Erix Daily Horoscope, We say, “HAH!”)
It’s easy to see you’re ready to rumble, (We would be, if We had any idea what that actually meant.)
but what folks might not realize is that you’re also feeling quite vulnerable under that tough exterior. (See, if We had corporate sponsorship, this would be where We’d endorse some moisturizer product. As We have no corporate sponsorship, We shall be forced to reiterate: penisfest!)
You can be very tender with the one you love — try that with yourself! (We’ve been “trying that with Ourself” for quite some time now. How ‘bout We try it with Jesse Eisenberg?)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.