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Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WinesDay, October 10, 2012.  Happy belated birthday to Jim, who turned twenty-four yesterday while We were in Absentia.  Absentia is, of course, a very small fishing nation wedged between Estonia and Latvia.  It is also the name of Sucretia and Epiphany’s cousin (Mitochondria and Saliva’s daughter, that is).  Naturally, at no point have We been “in” the second Absentia, so it is clear that We are referring to the fishing nation.  Although We can see how you might become confused…

One day without an e-pisstle, and already We’ve gone right for the crotch.

Those of you who have seen some iteration of the WaitStaff’s Match Game hijinks will better know Jim’s alter ego, Sean Connery.  You will, in fact, have looked up his skirt, if you have by chance been seated in the front row.  If you have not yet had that opportunity, here’s your chance: The WaitStaff’s Halloween Match Game Extravaganza!

 The Real Housewives of South Philly join host Gene Rayburn and the usual assortment of ding-a-lings for a kreepy, kooky, mysterious and spooky, altogether ooky Halloween edition of The Match Game!

Friday and Saturday, October 26 & 27, and Wednesday, October 31 (that's Halloween!)  All shows are at 7:30.

Can We sell tickets or what?  (Who said “Or what”?)

Long-time readers will, meanwhile, have had the cockles of their hearts warmed by the mention of Our old friends, Sucretia and Epiphany, who fell by the wayside when the MyBus turned into the OurSubway/Urinal.  (Heh.  She said “cockles”.)

In other news, this cock(heh)tail recipe just in from a bartender on the WorldWideInterWebNetz:  The Sandusky Slammer:  pour a shot of Old Granddad over 12-year-old Scotch.

Here at Casa de Curmudgeon, meanwhile, We are awaiting the arrival of a handyman.  Which would seem like an auspicious start for a porno movie, except that We have met this particular handyman before.  (Of course, it could be argued that, at this particular life-juncture, ANY man would be handy.  Unfortunately, We have always been burdened with High Standards. (Choosy motherfuckers choose Jif-fy Lube™.))

(We mistyped “motherfuckers” as “motehrfuckers”.  Micro$oft Weird™ told Us it was misspelled, but gave Us no suggestions for fixing it.  And yet, when We typed it correctly as “motherfuckers”, Micro$oft Weird™ recognized it as correct.  Prudish motherfucking Micro$oft Weird™ (which also, We might add, recognizes “motherfucking”.  (Y’all might want to keep your mothers away from the computer.)))

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

If you just felt your day get a little bit brighter, it’s because We just found out that it’s Mario Lopez’s birthday.

Your romantic side is out in force today, (Is that a polite way of saying Our fly is open?)

so make sure that you’re showing your sweetie how you feel — or looking out for your next sweetie, if you happen to be single.  (Yeah. We “happen” to be single.  Also, the Pope “happens” to shit in the woods.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to change “shit” to “sit”.  Which, while possibly related, is not at all the same thing.)

Either way, it’s fun!  (See, if WE were (subjunctively) Micro$oft Weird™, We would fuck with people by suggesting they change “it’s fun” to “it’s fudge” or “it’s fuck”.)

You might not be feeling all that great at the start of the day, but the people around you sure think you’re looking great!  (There is no one here.)

(Also, the calls are coming from inside the house.)

This confirmation of your attractiveness will do wonders for your physical and mental health.  (Our mental health needs an enema.)

(Oh. Our. God.  Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to change “enema” to “enemy”.  How does THAT make any sense?  Shut up, Micro$oft Weird™.)

Accept the adoration and compliments graciously — this is not a day to pretend to be humble. (But We hear if you’re humble, there’s pie.  Mmmmm…pie.)

Agree with people when they say you’re cute because gosh darn it, you are!  (We have NEVER been cute.  Also, “gosh darn it”?)

Expect your mood to continue to skyrocket as the day continues.  (What exactly is the alternative to “SKYrocket”?)

You have your perfect type defined right down to their toenails.  (Trust Us, We don’t care about his toenails.   We’re not even real picky about how many toes he has on each foot.)

But does your specificity mean you’re missing out on someone a little left of perfection? (Leftovers again?)

Broaden your search just a bit. (We are one hundred percent sure Our search does not need to include broads.)

You’ll meet lots of new and interesting prospects.  (Oddly, though, most prospectors of literature and lore are old.  Go figger.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.