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Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered am I




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, October 16, 2012.  Happy National Boss’s Day to all y’all, and to Mister Bruce Springsteen, who may be the only living human who is actually too cool to be reading this.  So just to be clear, the rest of you have no excuse.

Speaking of bosses, We had yet another in Our ongoing series of serial workplace dreams last night.  You will recall that, since Our departure from that vale of tears, in the alternate reality that is Our dreamscape, We have been forced to continue working there, albeit for no salary.  Well, last night, We were actually rehired for some pittance of pay, to be The Company Librarian.  This involved, amongst other things, working alongside some true carnival show freaks in a windowless pit of a hellhole in the bowels of a Victorian sweatshop. After a day’s worth of this, We began making Our way home on public transportation, which was not unlike an amusement park ride in Hell.  As We attempted to keep track of all of Our gloves, hats, scarves, coats, sweaters, and galoshes (it was Winter, you see), We got the distinct feeling that people were staring at Us.

Nevertheless, We diligently ensured that the insides of Our winter boots were securely lined with the pepperoni slices We had brought for that purpose.

We can’t think why people felt compelled to stare.

And, now that you are once again Glad That You Are NOT US, Our work here is done.

In other news, writing is HARD.  As We mentioned, We have finally Our nose to the grindstone, Our shoulder to the wheel, Our nipples to the wind, and Our titz akimbo to get this murder mystery dinner theatre script written.  We are attempting to write at least a thousand words a day.  (To give you some idea of what that means, one of these horoscopes averages about a thousand words, but that includes all the things We copy from one day to the next, Our bio and the other stuff at the end, and Kelli’s “contributions”.)  On Day One, We wrote up until a new character’s entrance, then, the next day, found out that he had nothing to say.  So on Day Two We wrote up to a mini-cliffhanger, which now, as of Day Three, We realize makes it impossible for anybody to kill anybody, so We have to go and undo it.

Sigh. #LiteratePeopleProblems.

Meanwhile, the following is less than two weeks away:
The WaitStaff’s Halloween Match Game Extravaganza!

 The Real Housewives of South Philly join host Gene Rayburn and the usual assortment of ding-a-lings for a kreepy, kooky, mysterious and spooky, altogether ooky Halloween edition of The Match Game!

Friday and Saturday, October 26 & 27, and Wednesday, October 31 (that's Halloween!)  All shows are at 7:30.





Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above):





Here’s the HorrorScope:

Okay, We may have lied earlier.  You may have an excuse for not reading this, because you are probably not at work, as you have the day off for Angela Lansbury’s birthday.  Which would be enough to celebrate in and of itself, but also coincides with Alice Pearce’s birthday.  Alice Pearce, as everyone knows, played the first Gladys Kravitz on Bewitched, and would be ninety-five today.  If curiosity had not killed her.

 People are more than willing to let you get your way today — as long as you are willing to smile and butter them up!  (We can generally always think of at least one or two people We wouldn’t mind spreading dairy products on.  Possibly even a few of you who are reading this e-pisstle.)

It doesn’t take much for you to tip the balance in your favor, (Was that a fat joke?)

so work that charm!  (We HAVE to work it…We’ve only got the one.)

Something you have been feeling lurking just under the surface will start to reveal itself today, (The Heartbreak Of Psoriasis.)

and the resulting emotional shift could make your day a confusing one.  (It can’t be any more confusing than this damn murder mystery.)

Therefore, try not to make any big commitments (Kiss Us quick, We’re Frances Farmer.)

(So funky, you’ll be tempted to eat it with a chork.)

(What?)

or sign any legal documents.  (There’s a joke here, but it’s visual, so you’re gonna have to read Our mind. (If you skip the dirty parts, it won’t take long.))

For a little while, at least, you’ll have to take a ‘wait and see’ attitude to a few things. (Well, you know what They always say:  watched pot won’t smoke itself.)

(Why do people keep quoting Them?  They don’t make any sense.)

 What you need to do in your life may not be extremely clear right now, (Ya think?)

but you will have to learn how to be comfortable with that. (Yeah, but if We get TOO comfortable, We might fall asleep.  And then We could have another dream….)

The power of touch is huge right now, even if you’re out on a first date. (Mmm-hmm.  ‘Cause THAT could happen.)

A nonchalant brush of the arm or gentle rub of the neck relays everything that words can’t convey. (If you really wanna relay everything that words can’t convey, try a gentle WRING of the neck.  Works like a charm.)

Don’t miss the opportunity to inspire some skin-on-skin contact.  (Abner!  ABNER!!!)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.