And he said you can call me Joshua

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for, August TwennyOnest, 2014.

Happy birthday to Connie, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Happy birthday also to Mark, who also turns twenty-four today, right across the bridge from The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. (We do not make New Jersey Jokes.  We are A Highly-Trained Professional, so We leave the easy jokes for the amateurs.)

And last but not Lee Strasberg, happy birthday to Josh, who turns twenty-four today, not only in the very same city as We Our Own Self Personally, but a mere throne’s toe away.

We shall leave the amateurs to contemplate the concept of thrones having such appendages as toes, while We hold forth on weightier matters.

To wit:

Upon contemplating the natal anniversary of the aforementioned LovelyAndTalented Josh earlier this morning, We were given to reflect upon various and sundry Joshes with whom We have been acquainted throughout Our twenty-four years.  We found Ourself completely incapable of recalling a single one who was unattractive.

Our memory being what it is (faulty at best, and damn near non-existent), We cast about for a more scientific approach.  We made Our way to SitOnOurFaceBook and searched Our friends for Joshes.

There were six of ‘em, each one hotter than the next.

So there you have it: scientific proof that an unattractive Josh is a statistical impossibility.

(One wonders (third-personally, for the amusement of the Josh Du Jour) what exactly would happen if One took an ugly person, and renamed them Josh…)

(It also occurs to Us, parenthetically (hence the parentheses), that there are those who might think six Joshes amongst One’s friends is a lot.  We would point out that it pales in comparison to Our TWENTY-EIGHT Michaels.)

Apropos of nothing, We have just this minute learned, thanks also to SitOnOurFaceBook, that on airport infrared security cameras, they can SEE your FARTS.

You’re welcome.

In still other news, We have a Very Special Private Murder Mystery today at the Murder Mystery Factory, so forgive Us if We start perking this along…

Our Leo video (with its one imperfection (if you know not of what We speak, go read yesterday’s e-pissode (damn naked skimmers (or, better yet, watch the video (Jeebus))))) is above, and here is the link with which you may place it on the SitOnMyFaceBook pages of your friends having Leonine birthdays: http://youtu.be/6kCzNp1JtDo

In other news, We received SO many responses to Our requests for dates for Our Fringe Festival schedule that We have now booked dates all the way up to and including the 2056 Fringe Festival.  (Where We hear Tribe of Fools will be doing a show entitled Grandpa Gumby Plays Canasta In Depends™.) But just in case you would like to try to bump one of Our dates with a better offer, We are reprinting Our schedule below:

As promised, here are Our preliminary dates of attendance at Fringe Festival shows, in anticipation of the many handsome suitors who will vie to be Our dates at same:

Friday, September 5, 8:00 The WaitStaff Sh!ts The Bed, which We directed and wrote sketches for, at L’Etage.  We will be there that night, barring unforeseen difficulties at the Murder Mystery Factory, and We hope you will be too.  Tickets here: http://fringearts.com/event/the-waitstaff-sht-the-bed-10/

Monday, September 8, 8:00 Tribe of Fools’ Two Street: A Tale of Star-Crossed Mummers, at The Church of the Crucifixion.  We look forward to Tribe of Fools’ Fringe offering every year more than any other show.  We first saw them in Heavy Metal Dance Fag, then, in last year’s AntiHero, actors actually walked on the walls.  Maybe this year they’ll dance on the ceiling?  Tickets here:  http://fringearts.com/event/two-street-a-tale-of-star-crossed-mummers-12/

Sunday, September 14, 3:00 Truth Be Told’s Bent, starring OurSistahOvella, at the Power Plant.  Tickets here: http://fringearts.com/event/bent-7/

So if you have an overwhelming desire to see any of these shows, (or, more importantly, to date Us (We know you’re out there…We can hear you breathing)), holla at Us. (Note that We have not yet purchased Our tickets for these shows, so these dates are subject to change.  (Especially if We get offers of hotter dates on other dates.  (Or figs…because, mmmmm, figs!)))

Coincidentally, both of those last two productions are currently fundraising, so if you happen to have a mark, a yen, a buck, or a pound with which you know not what to do, you could donate them here:

http://www.gofundme.com/bent-philly-fringe  …for Bent…

or here: https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/two-street   ... for Two Street.

(Is it wrong that We are now imagining how it would be so much more convenient for Us (it being, of course, All About Us) if they were (subjunctively) to combine these last two productions into one?  Gay Mummers Go To Dachau has a nice ring to it, no?)

And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, RJ Mitte, who played Walt Junior on Breaking Bad,  is twenty-two today.  So now what, ya has-been?

Your emotional side is making a play for control today (HOW DARE YOU?  WE’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU! ONE MORE SNIDE REMARK OUT OF YOU AND WE’LL KICK THIS KITTEN!)

(Heh.  See what We did there? (Of course you did.  (So did Helen Keller.)))

— but you may as well stand back and let it do what it wants.  (We’re schizophrenic, and so are We.)

(We’ll take “Jokes That Aren’t Funny In The Royal We” for $500, Alex.)

It’s certainly easier, (Not easier than We are, though.)

and you may find that things start to make more sense.  (Nothing makes any sense in a universe where there is a camera that can see farts.)

(Surely you didn’t imagine We were only gonna reference that ONE TIME, did you?)

You don’t like to hold back when you have something to say. (And what makes YOU such a goddamned expert on it, pigfucker?)

In fact, it’s so completely out of character that when you do, your friends start asking what the heck is wrong with you!  (Yeah, right.  If they say “heck”, We are SO not friends any more.)

They’re due to start asking that question soon, because every time a certain subject comes up, you’ve refused to discuss it openly.  (Hey, We know six Joshes, and twenty-eight Michaels.  That’s all you need to know.)

Give up the goods.  (Also, pump up the jam.)

Not feeling great about a recent relationship decision? (Dammit….did We sleep through another relationship?)

Maybe you should rethink your choices.  (Are you saying We should choose to rethink Our choices?  Because that way lies madness…)

If it’s not set in stone, change your mind. (If it’s not Sharon Stone, change your panties.)

(What?)

It’s important to feel 100 percent sure about the big stuff. (Not to mention the Double Stuf™.  (No, really…don’t mention it!))

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Working too hard can give you a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack

 

 

 

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here, coming to you remotely with A Very Special E-Pissode of Eric's!Daily!Horoscope!

Happy Birthday to Meron, who turns twenty-four today in New York.  The New York that’s IN New York, that is.   Also, Happy Birthday to Tony, who also turns twenty-four today, but only near  the New York that’s in New York. (He is actually in Hackensack.  (Or should that be, “He is ACKtually in HACKensACK.”? (Geography is hard.)))  Also too, Happy Birthday to Scott, who turns twenty-four today in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Janelle, who may not be turning quite twenty-four today in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

 

 

 

In other news of vital importance to the realm, We are hard at work, shoulder to the wheel, nose to the grindstone, nipples to the wind, and titz akimbo, writing  the script for Our Fringe show .   We are talking, of course, about  LOOKING FOR URANUS:  Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , the Kickstarter fundraiser for  which can be found here:  


http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/635878991/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeb 








Thanks to all of Our investors so far, whose generosity has pushed Us over the 50%- funded mark!







(Please do NOT let this fact deter you from helping out…We only get the funds if We become 100% funded.)





Another way to help out (and thanks to the many of you who have already done this) is to share the project with your SitOnMyFaceBook friends.







And, of course, they also help who show the hell up, so here is where tickets can be obtained: http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar

As We are so hard (ahem) at work, today's e-pissode is an encore presentation from approximately a year ago:

Do-do-do-do can't wait to get a mouth full of WAFFLES!

 

 

 

Hello, Ducks!

 

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, August 24, 2012.  Happy National Waffle Day, everyone!  Seriously.  How exciting izzat?  On this day in 1869, Cornelius Swartwout patented the first waffle iron.  Later that day, Helen Keller read it, and comedy was born.

 

We really are a very funny person once you get to know Us.

 

Speaking of famous people and breakfast foods, on the heels  (not that We’re wearing heels at this hour…bunny slippers, Sweetie Darling) of yesterday’s discussion of hit counts, We note that The One Where We Have A Picture Of Prince William In A Speedo™ (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/06/hes-very-nice-prince.html ) is on the verge of eclipsing The One Where We Have A Recent Picture Of Charlene Tilton (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/07/i-could-have-spread-my-legs-and-eaten.html ).  Ahead of these by a small margin is The One Where The Picture Is Nothing Special But We Use The Phrase “Justin Bieber’s Penis” (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/04/chillin-by-fire-while-we-eatin-fondue.html .  And still inexplicably leading the pack, by a factor of over four-fold, is The One With The Picture Of The Grotesquely Fat Man (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2011/11/madness-takes-its-tollplease-have-exact.html ), which people actually search for with such phrases as “grotesquely fat man”.  Does this make any sense to you?  Because it makes no sense to Us.  We would much rather look at Prince William’s Speedo™, or present-day Charlene Tilton, or even Justin Bieber’s penis (which, you will recall, We’ve already seen, which see Us seeing same:

 

 

)

 

than look at a near-naked grotesquely fat man, but different strokes for different stroke victims.

 

 

Whatevs.

 

 

Clearly, We’ve strayed wide of Our original point, which was Cornelius Swartwout and Helen Keller reading the waffle iron.  Also, you will note that, in that entire desperate attention–seeking paragraph about hit counts, not once did We stoop to using the phrase “Prince Harry naked”. (Ooops. (Although, now that We HAVE used it, We wonder if We’d do better to use “Prince Harry’s penis”?))

 

 

Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown.  Which, of course, in the case of Prince Harry’s penis, leads to a rather ribald French tickler joke.  Lettuce all pause here while Helen Keller reads THAT.

 

 

 

We may actually be funnier than We had first suspected.  Although We WERE hugged by a stand-up comic last night, so it’s possible that some of it just rubbed off.  (Did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us, and We were there when it happened.)

 

 

 

In other news, there is a brand spanking (oooooohhh!!!) new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video, which is above for your viewing pleasure. And here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/wdOHgajc7hY

 

 

Here is last year’s Virgo, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

 

 

Here’s the HorrorScope:

 

It is Rupert Grint’s birthday today.  Rupert Grint is a Virgo.  Daniel Radcliffe?  Is a Leo.  Like your scrotum there it is in a nutshell.

 

Your emotional side is somewhat exposed today, (Suddenly, We feel just like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.)

 

so see if you can get yourself back into a safer space. (Does the absence of panties make Our FUPA look fat?)

 

(Okay, all together now:  eeeeuuuuwwww!!!!)

 

It’s a really good time for you to get back in touch with feelings you thought were long gone.  (Hey, We rubbed one out on a stand-up comedian.  There’s yer Fringe festival right there!)

 

 You always have time to learn new things, so even if your day is jam-packed,  (Or fudge-packed.)

 

you should reserve at least a minute or two to go exploring! (What about spelunking?  Nobody ever goes spelunking any more.)

 

Check out that new store at the mall, go for a drive in a different part of town, or pick up a book about something or someone you’ve never heard of before. (Just don’t accidentally pick up a waffle iron instead.)

 

Someone will want you to take off with them on a new adventure that sounds like fun. (Oddly enough, We are fairly certain that “sounds like fun” and “actually IS fun” are not necessarily always the same thing.)

 

If you think you can squeeze it into your day, you definitely should!  (Give Us some Spanx™, some Crisco™, and a crowbar, and We’ll squeeze just about anything into just about anywhere.)

 

(Hi, Prince Harry…is that a breakfast bar in your pocket, or are you just happy to see us?)

 

Watch out for that self-fulfilling prophecy — it’s a killer. (Indeed so.  Because, not having learned her lesson with the waffle iron, you can’t imagine what Helen Keller mistook for a Ouija board.)

 

If you let the negativity creep in, it’ll turn into self-esteem cancer. (No, it won’t.)

 

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

 

Don’t let one or two bad days on the dating circuit ruin your whole outlook on life.  (Wait…there’s a circuit?  Somebody get Us an extension cord…)

 

 

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.