To love, dummy

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here, coming to you remotely with A Very Special E-Pissode of Eric's!Daily!Horoscope!

(We usually just copy this part over from day to day, so it may amuse you to know that, as today We are typing it, We started off by salutating you as "Hello, Dicks!")

Happy Birthday to Perry, who turns twenty-four today in The City That Loves You (On Your) back.


In other news of vital importance to the realm, We are hard at work, shoulder to the wheel, nose to the grindstone, nipples to the wind, and titz akimbo, writing  the script for Our Fringe show .   We are talking, of course, about  LOOKING FOR URANUS:  Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , the Kickstarter fundraiser for  which can be found here:  


http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/635878991/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeb 








Thanks to all of Our investors so far, whose generosity has pushed Us over the 50%- funded mark!







(Please do NOT let this fact deter you from helping out…We only get the funds if We become 100% funded.)





Another way to help out (and thanks to the many of you who have already done this) is to share the project with your SitOnMyFaceBook friends.







And, of course, they also help who show the hell up, so here is where tickets can be obtained: http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar

As We are so hard (ahem) at work, today's e-pissode is an encore presentation from approximately a year ago:

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  Thursday, August 09, 2012.  Happy belated birthday to TCBITWWW, who turned twenty-four yesterday on The Left Coast, three hours later than he would have turned twenty-four  had he (subjunctively) still lived on The Right Coast, where We could have wished him a happy twenty-fourth birthday in person.  The physical universe and the time-space continuum can be very annoying sometimes.

We trust the rest of you had a happy Hump Day in Our absence.  We were off humping unto others as We would have them hump unto Ourselves.  (We weren’t, actually, but We just had a burning yearning to type that sentence and see if the meretricious calumny of it would cause Our keyboard to burst into flames.  (It did not.  Sigh.))

(Does anybody need a drag name?  Because We’re offering up Meretricious Calumny for free.)

Some days Our coffee tastes good, some days Our coffee tastes bad.  It’s the same damn coffee.  (Pee’s in the porridge pot, nine days old.)

We were actually busy having a wonderful day yesterday.  We had several lovely electronic communications via Our InterNetz, then We betook Ourself to the country to see some very talented people in a wonderful piece of theater.  The People’s Light production of Mr. Hart and Mr. Brown, if you must know.  We had never been to People’s Light before.  It is in Peoria, or some such place.  All We know is, had We (subjunctively) stayed on the train a few minutes longer, We could have been visiting The Sainted Mother in Altoona.  But Our dear friend Justin Bieber (not to name drop, or anything) was strutting and fretting his hour upon the stage, and as We hadn’t seen him thespianizing since the independent fillum We made together, We trundled off.  (Although why there was no nude scene, We’ll never know.)

Here, in case your memory needs to go jogging, is Our independent fillum with the aforementioned Mister Bieber:

In other news, everyone’s favorite sketch comedy troupe The WaitStaff will be doing two Very Special Preview Performances of their Fringe show, The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game!, on Sunday, August 19 at 7 and on Thursday, August 23 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  SitOnMyFaceBook events have more info here http://www.facebook.com/events/431133030262749/ and here http://www.facebook.com/events/485179294844645/ and tickets are available here: 

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/265032

 The contestants for these performances will be artists from other (funny) Fringe shows.  For example, on the 19^th, the contestants will include The Lovely And Talented Greg Nix, one of the merry murderers from Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die, The Equally Lovely And Talented John D’Alonzo, who is playing Ivona, Princess of Burgundia in the play of the same name by the Idiopathic Ridiculopathy Consortium (it just occurred to Us that that makes him titular…We must alert the media) and the No Less Lovely And Talented Bill McKinlay, of the MacKnight Foundation’s I Hate Monologues and The Alphabet Plays.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Oh, sure.  NOW We find out that it’s Melanie Griffith’s birthday!  When all the good gifts are probably already gone.

Your core values are being challenged today (Oh, please.  We sold those on e-Bay weeks ago.)

— but you can rise to the occasion. (That’s what she said.)

Just make sure that you’re focused on whatever is most important to you, (Well, since it’s too late to go shopping for Melanie Griffith’s birthday, We guess We’ll just have to think about Ourself.)

(Apropos of absolutely nothing, We just went Googling on Wikipedia to find out if We missed any important celebrity birthdays yesterday.  We didn’t, although, coincidentally, it was Donny Most’s birthday, and We just mentioned him in here earlier in the week.  So much for his fifteen minutes.  At any rate, Wikipedia wanted Us to know that yesterday was the birthday of some Austrian fashion designer whose claim to fame was “inventing” the topless bathing suit.  You wear a two-piece bathing suit, you take your top off.  Where’s all this “inventing”?)

(And now all of Our str8 boi readers are picturing Us in a topless bathing suit.  You’re welcome.)

 and that others can hear you out.  (We have no recollection of how this sentence started out, and no inclination to learn.)

When you loaned a friend some money, (Where did We get money?)

you didn’t intend to finance an irresponsible lifestyle choice (How is it Our business what somebody does with money We lend them?)

— but today it looks like that’s exactly what happened.  (Yawn.)

But when you choose to give someone a gift, it’s theirs to do with what they will — there are no strings attached unless you put them there to begin with. (No fucking shit.)

So you can’t get mad if they’re not treating your money the way you would. (Today’s guest Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist), Ayn Rand.)

All you can do is keep this in mind next time they come asking for funds.  (First We had money, now We have “funds”?  Apparently, somebody’s been rooting through Our sofa cushions.)

Now’s a great time to take that relationship out of cyberspace and into reality.  (Well, good.  Because Our usual relationships take a long time to inflate.)

Arrange a meeting with your favorite online buddy. (Buddy Ebsen?  Buddy Hackett? Buddy Holly?  They’re all dead, and We ain’t datin’ ‘em.)

Keep your expectations in check, (Check, please.)

 and if the sparks don’t fly (The winged monkeys will.)

— it’s all right.  (Easy for you to say. YOU’RE not the one showing up at Melanie Griffith’s birthday party without a gift.)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

 

What if God was one of us?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  ThurstonHowellTheThirdsThursday, August 8^st, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Kevin, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Also, Happy Birthday to Nicholas, who also turns twenty-four today, albeit for only the second time.  In Reading.  Where the Monopoly™ railroad is.  And also too, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to TCBITWWW, who and also too turns twenty-four today somewhere in WeHo.

Also, Happy Eid al-Fitr to the rest of all y’all.  This apparently has something to do with Muslims, and ending a month of fasting.  (As it is a slow news day here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, We will permit you to chuckle over the fact that We mistyped that as “fisting” on the first go-round.)  What is up with all these crazy religions imagining that Gawd gives a shit what they do or do not eat?  Maybe it’s Us, but if We were (subjunctively) Gawd, We would have a lot more important things on Our mind than what the fuck some group of religious nimrods chose to eat or not eat today.  Questions like “could We make a rock so heavy that We couldn’t lift it?”, and “how do you KNOW the light in the refrigerator goes off when you close the door?”, and “who makes the best pizza in Souf Philly?”  would occupy much more of Our time than worrying about whether a bunch of crazed zealots in bad outfits had growling stomachs.  Jeebus.

In other news of vital importance to the realm, We did actually begin to write the script for Our Fringe show yesterday.   We are talking, of course, about  LOOKING FOR URANUS:  Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , the Kickstarter fundraiser for  which can be found here:   

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/635878991/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeb  

Thanks to all of Our investors so far, whose generosity has pushed Us over the 50%- funded mark!

(Please do NOT let this fact deter you from helping out…We only get the funds if We become 100% funded.)

Another way to help out (and thanks to the many of you who have already done this) is to share the project with your SitOnMyFaceBook friends.

And, of course, they also help who show the hell up, so here is where tickets can be obtained: http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar

This just in from The Onion: Winning Lottery Numbers So Obvious In Hindsight.   

                                                                                                    

And here is the HorrorScope:

We do not recall researching this before, although We may be wrong (We thought We were wrong once, but We were mistaken).  It turns out, TCBITWWW shares his birthday with Dustin Hoffman, whose claim to fame is, well, Being Dustin Hoffman (not to be confused with Being John Malkovich) , Esther Williams, whose claim to fame is turning down the Shelley Winters role in The Poseidon Adventure, and Donny Most, whose claim to fame is playing Ralph Malph on Happy Days.

Based on the preceding paragraph, you can just imagine how well Our script is coming along.

You have to take care of your health today (We are guessing you mean mental health?  No idea why…)

(What do We want?

A cure for Tourette’s!

When do We want it?

Cunt!)

(We love that joke.)

— there’s just no getting around it!  (Indeed. Our mental health is vast.  Kinda like the Grand Canyon.  Or Shelley Winters in The Poseidon Adventure.)

See if you can get your friends to help you figure out a new routine so you don’t fall back into bad habits once again.  (Honey, if you see Us dressed as a nun, call for backup.)

If you are getting sick of doing the same thing every day, look in the mirror to find the solution. (Vampires don’t have reflections.  Or is that umpires?  No, umpires don’t have erections.  It’s something about the stripes…)

(Yeah, this fuckin’ script is gonna win a Pulitzer.)

It’s time for you to use some of your fabulous ingenuity. (Won’t there come a point where We use it all up?)

Brighten up your blah daily routine by coming up with a new avenue to explore.  (We are not quite understanding how We shall become a successful streetwalker when We cannot even GIVE it away…)

Take things where you want them to go today, whether anyone else is on board with your idea or not.  (There. Is No One. Else. Here.  Both of Our social plans for the week fell through, and We last saw people who are not total strangers at the murder mystery on Saturday.  We talk to Ourself.  A LOT.)

You don’t need other people’s permission to live your life.  (We are, however, desperate for their persimmons.)

Education is the easiest path to finding love. (Or that streetwalking thing.)

It’s time to decide which old skill needs sharpening (Wait….you mean it’s NOT like riding a bicycle?)

or settle on a topic you’ve been wanting to explore for a while. (How many angels can dance on the head of a penis?)

The brain is the biggest erogenous zone!  (Clearly, you’ve not seen the size of Our ass lately.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Baby, baby, baby, oh

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  Thursday, August 09, 2012.  Happy belated birthday to TCBITWWW, who turned twenty-four yesterday on The Left Coast, three hours later than he would have turned twenty-four  had he (subjunctively) still lived on The Right Coast, where We could have wished him a happy twenty-fourth birthday in person.  The physical universe and the time-space continuum can be very annoying sometimes.

We trust the rest of you had a happy Hump Day in Our absence.  We were off humping unto others as We would have them hump unto Ourselves.  (We weren’t, actually, but We just had a burning yearning to type that sentence and see if the meretricious calumny of it would cause Our keyboard to burst into flames.  (It did not.  Sigh.))

(Does anybody need a drag name?  Because We’re offering up Meretricious Calumny for free.)

Some days Our coffee tastes good, some days Our coffee tastes bad.  It’s the same damn coffee.  (Pee’s in the porridge pot, nine days old.)

We were actually busy having a wonderful day yesterday.  We had several lovely electronic communications via Our InterNetz, then We betook Ourself to the country to see some very talented people in a wonderful piece of theater.  The People’s Light production of Mr. Hart and Mr. Brown, if you must know.  We had never been to People’s Light before.  It is in Peoria, or some such place.  All We know is, had We (subjunctively) stayed on the train a few minutes longer, We could have been visiting The Sainted Mother in Altoona.  But Our dear friend Justin Bieber (not to name drop, or anything) was strutting and fretting his hour upon the stage, and as We hadn’t seen him thespianizing since the independent fillum We made together, We trundled off.  (Although why there was no nude scene, We’ll never know.)

Here, in case your memory needs to go jogging, is Our independent fillum with the aforementioned Mister Bieber:

In other news, everyone’s favorite sketch comedy troupe The WaitStaff will be doing two Very Special Preview Performances of their Fringe show, The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game!, on Sunday, August 19 at 7 and on Thursday, August 23 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  SitOnMyFaceBook events have more info here http://www.facebook.com/events/431133030262749/ and here http://www.facebook.com/events/485179294844645/ and tickets are available here: 

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/265032

 The contestants for these performances will be artists from other (funny) Fringe shows.  For example, on the 19^th, the contestants will include The Lovely And Talented Greg Nix, one of the merry murderers from Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die, The Equally Lovely And Talented John D’Alonzo, who is playing Ivona, Princess of Burgundia in the play of the same name by the Idiopathic Ridiculopathy Consortium (it just occurred to Us that that makes him titular…We must alert the media) and the No Less Lovely And Talented Bill McKinlay, of the MacKnight Foundation’s I Hate Monologues and The Alphabet Plays.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Oh, sure.  NOW We find out that it’s Melanie Griffith’s birthday!  When all the good gifts are probably already gone.

Your core values are being challenged today (Oh, please.  We sold those on e-Bay weeks ago.)

— but you can rise to the occasion. (That’s what she said.)

Just make sure that you’re focused on whatever is most important to you, (Well, since it’s too late to go shopping for Melanie Griffith’s birthday, We guess We’ll just have to think about Ourself.)

(Apropos of absolutely nothing, We just went Googling on Wikipedia to find out if We missed any important celebrity birthdays yesterday.  We didn’t, although, coincidentally, it was Donny Most’s birthday, and We just mentioned him in here earlier in the week.  So much for his fifteen minutes.  At any rate, Wikipedia wanted Us to know that yesterday was the birthday of some Austrian fashion designer whose claim to fame was “inventing” the topless bathing suit.  You wear a two-piece bathing suit, you take your top off.  Where’s all this “inventing”?)

(And now all of Our str8 boi readers are picturing Us in a topless bathing suit.  You’re welcome.)

 and that others can hear you out.  (We have no recollection of how this sentence started out, and no inclination to learn.)

When you loaned a friend some money, (Where did We get money?)

you didn’t intend to finance an irresponsible lifestyle choice (How is it Our business what somebody does with money We lend them?)

— but today it looks like that’s exactly what happened.  (Yawn.)

But when you choose to give someone a gift, it’s theirs to do with what they will — there are no strings attached unless you put them there to begin with. (No fucking shit.)

So you can’t get mad if they’re not treating your money the way you would. (Today’s guest Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist), Ayn Rand.)

All you can do is keep this in mind next time they come asking for funds.  (First We had money, now We have “funds”?  Apparently, somebody’s been rooting through Our sofa cushions.)

Now’s a great time to take that relationship out of cyberspace and into reality.  (Well, good.  Because Our usual relationships take a long time to inflate.)

Arrange a meeting with your favorite online buddy. (Buddy Ebsen?  Buddy Hackett? Buddy Holly?  They’re all dead, and We ain’t datin’ ‘em.)

Keep your expectations in check, (Check, please.)

 and if the sparks don’t fly (The winged monkeys will.)

— it’s all right.  (Easy for you to say. YOU’RE not the one showing up at Melanie Griffith’s birthday party without a gift.)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.