Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here, coming to you remotely with A Very Special E-Pissode of Eric's!Daily!Horoscope!
(We usually just copy this part over from day to day, so it may amuse you to know that, as today We are typing it, We started off by salutating you as "Hello, Dicks!")
Happy Birthday to Perry, who turns twenty-four today in The City That Loves You (On Your) back.
In other news of vital importance to the realm, We are hard at work, shoulder to the wheel, nose to the grindstone, nipples to the wind, and titz akimbo, writing the script for Our Fringe show . We are talking, of course, about LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , the Kickstarter fundraiser for which can be found here:
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/635878991/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeb
Thanks to all of Our investors so far, whose generosity has pushed Us over the 50%- funded mark!
(Please do NOT let this fact deter you from helping out…We only get the funds if We become 100% funded.)
Another way to help out (and thanks to the many of you who have already done this) is to share the project with your SitOnMyFaceBook friends.
And, of course, they also help who show the hell up, so here is where tickets can be obtained: http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar
As We are so hard (ahem) at work, today's e-pissode is an encore presentation from approximately a year ago:
Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with
your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, August 09, 2012. Happy
belated birthday to TCBITWWW, who turned twenty-four yesterday on The Left
Coast, three hours later than he would have turned twenty-four had he
(subjunctively) still lived on The Right Coast, where We could have wished him
a happy twenty-fourth birthday in person. The physical universe and the
time-space continuum can be very annoying sometimes.
We trust the rest of you had a happy
Hump Day in Our absence. We were off humping unto others as We would have
them hump unto Ourselves. (We weren’t, actually, but We just had a
burning yearning to type that sentence and see if the meretricious calumny of
it would cause Our keyboard to burst into flames. (It did not.
Sigh.))
(Does anybody need a drag
name? Because We’re offering up Meretricious Calumny for free.)
Some days Our coffee tastes good,
some days Our coffee tastes bad. It’s the same damn coffee. (Pee’s
in the porridge pot, nine days old.)
We were actually busy having a
wonderful day yesterday. We had several lovely electronic communications
via Our InterNetz, then We betook Ourself to the country to see some very
talented people in a wonderful piece of theater. The People’s Light production
of Mr. Hart and Mr. Brown, if you must know. We had never been to
People’s Light before. It is in Peoria, or some such place. All We
know is, had We (subjunctively) stayed on the train a few minutes longer, We
could have been visiting The Sainted Mother in Altoona. But Our dear
friend Justin Bieber (not to name drop, or anything) was strutting and fretting
his hour upon the stage, and as We hadn’t seen him thespianizing since the
independent fillum We made together, We trundled off. (Although why there
was no nude scene, We’ll never know.)
Here, in case your memory needs to
go jogging, is Our independent fillum with the aforementioned Mister Bieber:
In other news, everyone’s favorite
sketch comedy troupe The WaitStaff will be doing two Very Special Preview
Performances of their Fringe show, The Real Housewives of South Philly
Play The Match Game!, on Sunday, August 19 at 7 and on Thursday, August
23 at 7:30 at L’Etage. SitOnMyFaceBook events have more info here http://www.facebook.com/events/431133030262749/
and here http://www.facebook.com/events/485179294844645/
and tickets are available here:
The contestants for these
performances will be artists from other (funny) Fringe shows. For
example, on the 19th, the contestants will include The Lovely And
Talented Greg Nix, one of the merry murderers from Jeff Coon and Ben
Dibble Must Die, The Equally Lovely And Talented John D’Alonzo, who is
playing Ivona, Princess of Burgundia in the play of the same name
by the Idiopathic Ridiculopathy Consortium (it just occurred to Us that that
makes him titular…We must alert the media) and the No Less Lovely And Talented
Bill McKinlay, of the MacKnight Foundation’s I Hate Monologues and
The Alphabet Plays.
Here’s the HorrorScope:
Oh,
sure. NOW We find out that it’s Melanie Griffith’s birthday! When
all the good gifts are probably already gone.
Your
core values are being challenged today (Oh, please. We sold those on
e-Bay weeks ago.)
—
but you can rise to the occasion. (That’s what she said.)
Just
make sure that you’re focused on whatever is most important to you, (Well,
since it’s too late to go shopping for Melanie Griffith’s birthday, We guess
We’ll just have to think about Ourself.)
(Apropos
of absolutely nothing, We just went Googling on Wikipedia to find out if We
missed any important celebrity birthdays yesterday. We didn’t, although,
coincidentally, it was Donny Most’s birthday, and We just mentioned him in here
earlier in the week. So much for his fifteen minutes. At any rate,
Wikipedia wanted Us to know that yesterday was the birthday of some Austrian
fashion designer whose claim to fame was “inventing” the topless bathing
suit. You wear a two-piece bathing suit, you take your top off.
Where’s all this “inventing”?)
(And
now all of Our str8 boi readers are picturing Us in a topless bathing
suit. You’re welcome.)
and
that others can hear you out. (We have no recollection of how this
sentence started out, and no inclination to learn.)
When
you loaned a friend some money, (Where did We get money?)
you
didn’t intend to finance an irresponsible lifestyle choice (How is it Our
business what somebody does with money We lend them?)
—
but today it looks like that’s exactly what happened. (Yawn.)
But
when you choose to give someone a gift, it’s theirs to do with what they will —
there are no strings attached unless you put them there to begin with. (No
fucking shit.)
So
you can’t get mad if they’re not treating your money the way you would.
(Today’s guest Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist), Ayn Rand.)
All
you can do is keep this in mind next time they come asking for funds.
(First We had money, now We have “funds”? Apparently, somebody’s been
rooting through Our sofa cushions.)
Now’s
a great time to take that relationship out of cyberspace and into reality.
(Well, good. Because Our usual relationships take a long time to
inflate.)
Arrange
a meeting with your favorite online buddy. (Buddy Ebsen? Buddy Hackett?
Buddy Holly? They’re all dead, and We ain’t datin’ ‘em.)
Keep
your expectations in check, (Check, please.)
and
if the sparks don’t fly (The winged monkeys will.)
—
it’s all right. (Easy for you to say. YOU’RE not the one showing up at
Melanie Griffith’s birthday party without a gift.)
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of
this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and
how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.
Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel
better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your
very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of
planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly
flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was
born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually
born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage
mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by
running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the
point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement
(Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which
produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a
scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the
newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely
NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite
tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera
with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of
questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in
Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double
Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn
rowing team.
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