Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThirdsThursday, August 22th , 2013.
So every so often, just to confuse Ourself, We actually do something right. Oh, not enough to interrupt the downward spiral of Fortuna that is Our existence, but still. Blind pig finds an acorn and all that.
Now what the fuck are We gonna do with this acorn?
In other news, The Artist Once Again Known As Prince recently opened hisseff up a Twatter account. Naturally, loving All Things Princely as We do (Prince William’s Speedo™, Prince Harry’s penis, Prince Albert in Our can), We promptly followed him. Ever the helpful social media platform, Twatter quickly informed Us that, if We liked Prince, We would most likely also enjoy following Tilda Swinton. The hell?
Speaking of Twatter, a fellow Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist thereon wants Us to know that Jupiter? Is squaring Uranus. Alrighty, then.
In other news of vital importance to the realm, We spent a great deal of Our time last week slaving and toiling over the script for Our Fringe show. Unfortunately, even with Our ailment in remission (or pseudo-remission (or nocturnal emission (just thought We’d throw that in there to see if you were paying attention (We Our Own Self Personally are too POOR to pay attention)))), We are feeling about as creative as McDonna’s refrigerator magnets. Which means, essentially, that We’ve lost Ourself a week. Hell, even Ray Milland only lost hisseff a weekend. We really must get right back on track today.
The show in question is, of course, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , the Kickstarter fundraiser for which can be found here:
Thanks to all of Our investors so far, whose generosity has pushed Us up to the 70%- funded mark!
(Please do NOT let this fact deter you from helping out…We only get the funds if We become 100% funded, and We currently seem to be a little stalled.)
Another way to help out (and thanks to the many of you who have already done this) is to share the project with your SitOnMyFaceBook friends.
And, of course, they also help who show the hell up, so here is where tickets can be obtained: http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar
There is also a SitOnMyFaceBook event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/706806152678843/ for your convenience in sharing on that platform.
How many of all y’all are sitting there with your thumb on Uranus, saying, “Who da fuq is Ray Milland?” Try and keep up.
And here is the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthday news, Honor Blackman, who played Pussy Galore in that James Bond fillum, is eighty-eight today. Insert old pussy joke here.
A dream has a big message for you (Was that a fat joke?)
— but you need to let it unwind over time before acting on it. (How tiresome, tedious, and tragic.)
The good news is that it’s not urgent, (And the bad news?)
so write it down or ponder it for a few days or weeks. (No, seriously…what’s the bad news?)
Self-distraction is a technique that people often use to avoid dealing with real problems in their lives (Sorry…did you say something?)
— and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. (Well, that’s good. Because We certainly don’t need any more bad things.)
From time to time, it’s perfectly fine to keep yourself busy shopping for the perfect pair of flip-flops so that you don’t have to clean out the garage. (“Flip-flops”? “Garage”? What on earth is this sow on about now?)
(How now, brown sow?)
But today, that one problem you’ve been avoiding so successfully for so long needs to be addressed. (Once One addresses a problem, can One then put a stamp on it and send it to someone else?)
It’s time to tackle this thing with all your might! (Tackle? Seriously?)
Your life is quite interesting today, so go exploring. (May We go spelunking instead? Mais oui?)
If you usually hit the same old place for happy hour, try somewhere new. (So, wait…there’s someplace where We could be happy for an entire hour?)
The change of scene might just do wonders for your social life! (As might broad spectrum antibiotics. (Oh, wait…you said “life”, not “disease”. Our bad.))
(The fat lady was just about to sing when We received this urgent alert, which We naturally felt compelled to pass along to you, Gentle Readers: http://medical-diagonosis.wonderhowto.com/how-to/health-alert-youre-taking-crap-wrong-is-you-poop-properly-0139696/ )
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.