Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, HookahDanangAniméAnew, VenuesChainsWithBenVereen’sNudeLegs, StiltLimeGunnerMitchWho?, August 6nd , 2013. Happy Birthday to Kristen, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Also, Happy Birthday to Christian, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your ) Back. Kristen and Christian, Christian and Kristen…there’s a song in there somewhere. Some sort of rap song, We are guessing. Unfortunately, as We are The Whitest Woman You Know, We shall be unable to find it. White people rapping, the sound of one hand clapping, etc.
See how We slipped in a little Zen Buddhism there when you least expected it? It’s like We yinned when We should have yanged.
We really need to sizzle through this e-pissode and go work on the script for Our show. Especially since people keep donating funds, so it looks as though We’re actually going to be expected to do it. We are talking, of course, about the Kickstarter fundraiser for Our upcoming Fringe Festival show, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , which can be found here:
Thanks to all of Our investors so far, whose generosity has pushed Us over the 50%- funded mark!
(Please do NOT let this fact deter you from helping out…We only get the funds if We become 100% funded.)
Another way to help out (and thanks to the many of you who have already done this) is to share the project with your SitOnMyFaceBook friends.
And here is the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthday news, if Lucille Ball were (subjunctively) still alive, she’d be a hundred and two today. And, just in case you weren’t feeling old enough yet today, if Jon Benet Ramsey were (subjunctively) still alive, she’d be twenty-three.
In living celebrity birthday news, Happy Birthday to Ginger Spice of The Spice Girls. From yours truly, Old Spice.
You feel a mounting sense of excitement as the day goes on (Oh. We thought that was gas.)
— your energy levels just keep climbing and climbing! (Yeah. That could happen.)
It should pay off in a big way later on, so get ready for something spectacular! (As near as We can tell, Our only social plan for the week just got cancelled. What exactly is this spectacular thing We’re going to do all by Ourself?)
Let your creativity call the shots today — no matter what silly stuff it’s telling you to do. (The sillier the better…We’ve got a script to write.)
So what if it tells you to wear mismatched socks, (How daring!)
speak only in rhyme, (White women rapping…didn’t We discuss this already?)
or skip down the street all day? (Alternatively, skip to the loo, and have a nice poo….)
(White women rapping…We just can’t stop.)
It needs you to hear its voice. (We do everything the voices in Our pants tell Us to do.)
Apparently, you have been ignoring it a little too much for a little too long. (Sorry…did you say something?)
Let your wackier side show — people will love seeing you flex your creative muscles. (Did she say “wackier” or “wankier”?)
Don’t reveal too much about yourself today. (Okay, so We’re skipping down the street in Our mismatched socks, speaking only in rhyme, and letting Our wackier (or possibly wankier) side show, but We’re not revealing too much about Ourself? Does NO ONE proofread this drivel?)
Instead, let everyone else do the talking. (Also, let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.)
For you, it’s all about discretion, so zip your lip (Pass gas through your ass, and keep your penis between Us.)
and open up your ears. (Say what?)
The conversation will curl your toenails. (Which twin’s toenails have the Toni™? (We TOLD you We were old.))
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.