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Greetings, Espadrilles Result In Chafing---
Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, April 27, 2010 (Happy birthday to Dena, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in MaryLand. Which is apparently NOT the g@y section of DisneyWorld. Although she does now toil and spin (did that sound dirty to you? Because it sounded dirty to Us.) for Nebraska’s Intergalactic Hairdressers. Why Nebraska’s Intergalactic Hairdressers have an office in MaryLand is a mystery to Us; presumably, this is why We don’t have a jawb.)
(We had an excellent night’s sleep last night. Thank you for asking. We slept straight (well, gayly forward) through, and for a very long time. Which made Us realize that it’s been quite a while since We had such a good night’s sleep. So, yay, Us!)
(Micro$oft Weird™ disapproves of “gayly”; it wants Us to change it to “gaily”. Micro$oft Weird™ can suck Our c0ck.)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
(If at any point during the preceding you developed any mental image involving Bill Gates, you’re doing it wrong.)
(Our Our-O-Scope.)
A full year of hard work (Where?)
has helped you to achieve a personally fulfilling goal. (Our unemployments, let Us show them to you.)
Chances are (Johnny Mathis takes it up the @ssz. (No, seriously…look it up. Where’d ya think he got that vibrato?))
good that you're surrounded by fans and media now, (Paparazzi, pepperoni pizza, kiss Us quick, We’re Lady Gaga. (We have no idea what that meant, but We do so desperately try to be au courant. Apparently, this Lady Gaga person is the new McDonna. Back in her day, of course, McDonna was the new Charo. Which was rather silly, because We had a perfectly good old Charo at the time. Waste not, whatnot, want not kumquat. As They say. But who listens?))
(Did We mention what a good night’s sleep We had?)
but as soon as you can fit it in, (OOooooooooohhhh!!!!!)
start thinking about a title for the how-to book you'll feel eminently qualified to pen. (Why? Is Stupidity for Dummies already taken?)
A lot has been left unsaid, and you're ready to say it (Is it just Us, or does that sentence simply cry out to begin with “Needless to say”?)
(Needless to say, needles in hay are very hard to find.)
(That just came to Us, as if in a viZZZion. We shall be putting it in Our new children’s book, Strangers Have The Best Candy.)
-- but if they're not ready to hear it, (Sorry…what did you say?)
(Heh.)
don't force the issue. (Also, don’t fight the funk. But do face the front while you fu(k the French. (Surely We don’t need to explain why?))
(And, while you’re attempting to figger that one out…)
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com/
I feel like cowgrass tonight, cowgrass tonight)
Greetings, Exxon Recently Introduced Carbonation---
Here is your horoscope for Thursday, January 28, 2010 (Even though Our days drip one after the other like identical beads of sweat down a h00ker’s @sscr@ck, We are well aware that this is one of Those Thursdays when it should be Friday already. (Parenthetically, how it is that We have yet to be named Poet Laureate is beyond Our ken. (Whoever the h3ll Ken is. We really don’t have time for the anatomically incorrect.))):
(Here is this. It is safe for work. We were going to put it here in its entirety, but it is really long. Naturally, We realize that just about as many of you will click this link as responded to Our request that you help Us out by clicking an ad yesterday, but, hey. We do what We can. http://slacktivist.typepad.com/slacktivist/2010/01/stop-demanding-that-you-get-screwed.html )
(In case you’re wondering where We find some of the delectable tidbits We include here for your pleasurable perusal (including many of the pictures that adorn Our masthead (did that sound dirty to you? Because it sounded dirty to Us.)), We were introduced to The Wonderful World Of Google Reader™ by OurKevin, which is just one of the many reasons why We love him. Now, We are not going to try to sell anyone on Google…believe Us when We tell you that We do not find it particularly friendly, and many aspects of it are downright counterintuitive (which you would think would be the same thing as counterintelligence, but you would be wrong). However, the ability to tailor-make your own online “magazine” of columns you want to read on a regular basis (Eric’s Daily Horoscope leaps to mind as an example) is a beautiful thing. (Also a beautiful thing is how OurShaun manages to have Our scribblings emailed to him as they are published, all the way over in London. England. Which is across the Atlantic. Ocean. We can only imagine a Seahorse Pony Express that traverses the WorldWideInterWebNetzian tubes on the ocean floor at quite a gallop to make that little bit of magic Johnson…er, happen. (How’d that Johnson get in there, Howard?)))
(We ended that last paragraph with a creative burst of existential humor because We feared it may have been becoming a leetle too technical for all y’all, what with the seahorses and the tubes and whatnot. Also, We were a little taken aback (which is, oddly, similar to being affronted (Engrish is clazy)) that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t believe in the plural “scribblings”, thereby crushing Our hopes that Bill Gates has Eric’s Daily Horoscope programmed into his Google Reader™.)
(You say “Wh0re!” We say “Scope™!” (In keeping with the “h00ker’s @sscr@ck” theme that We began developing earlier. (Hey, if We can’t be Poet Laureate, perhaps We can snag Ourself a Pulitzer for LitterAtchure. (Those of you who are imagining alternative uses that a wh0re might have for Scope™, please get your minds out of the gutter and attempt to follow the bouncing ballz as We begin Our-O-Scope.))))
The Full Moon this weekend in your 5th house of fun (Wait a minute…We have FIVE funhouses? What the fu(k are We still doing here then?)
suggests that there is likely to be some kind of tug of war going on in your heart (There is also a three-legged race in Our pants. Or maybe We’re just happy to see you.)
- you have hopes and dreams that you know you have to work hard to make come true. (A dream is a wish your heart makes. Also, ice cream is a dish Moss Hart bakes.)
(You say “non sequitur”; We say “umbrella”.)
But you also wish you could have more fun. (Oh, please. We wish We could have any fun.)
For some, a child/creative project/romance will be demanding your attention (What the fu(k is this, a multiple choice Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulation)? Jeebus!)
when you know you really ought to be doing what you can to achieve your aims. (Also, to alleviate your alms, to ascribe your arms, and to archive Uranus.)
Also this month, you could find that your wider social circle takes a back seat, (Was that a fat joke? We’re pretty sure that sounded like a fat joke.)
as you focus on one person - most likely a romantic partner or prospect. (Which, We sincerely hope, is different from a prospector. Who, you will recall from cartoons, mostly have dirty beards, funny hats, and a less-than-full complement of teeth. They mostly serve as comic relief, and are completely unsuitable as the aforementioned “romantic partner”, although they may serve as sidekick to same.)
(Did We mention that the “romantic partner” in this particular cartoon is wearing @ssless chaps? (Hey, it’s Our cartoon. (Meanwhile, it was recently brought to Our attention that the phrase “@ssless chaps” is redundant. But that’s kind of okay with Us.)))
Depending on your personal cycles, (Uni? Motor? Menstrual?)
a creative project could be planted now - or come to fruition. (That’s what We need, is a fruity creative project. Quick, get Us six feather boas and a banana daiquiri!)
(YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com
cowgrass…manly, yes, but I like it, too.)
