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Friday, October 31, 2014

I’m a muscle fa-a-an






Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Halloween,  October TurdyOneth, 2014.



Happy Birthday to Evan, who does not EVEN turn twenty-four today, all the way out on The Left Coast in El Lay.



And Happy Halloween to the rest of all y’all.  We Our Own Self Personally celebrated Halloween last night, by seeing Our friends in The Masque of Poe at the Powel House. It continues tonight and tomorrow, but, unless you  already have tickets, you can’t see it, because it is totally sold out. So nanny-nanny-poo-poo to you. It is a brilliantly constructed evening of theatre which makes excellent use of the setting, and contains uniformly fine performances. (It also, for those who are shallow (as We are) contains (for those who know him) Kevin in a tuxedo, which is the closest thing to proof of the existence of God that We’ve seen in quite some time.)




Happy Shalloween!



Not to stray from the point (not that We’re entirely sure what the point actually IS), but Our celebrity birthday website informs Us that today is the birthday of YET ANOTHER “web video star”.  (Of course, it also informs Us that Vanilla Ice and Willow Smith were born today, thereby implying that THEY are celebrities, so what the hell does IT know?)



Those of you who know Us personally know that We are not fickle like that.  We are not about to jump willy-nilly from one web video star’s willy to another as though one willy were (subjunctively) just like another.  No, We have hitched Our wagon (as it were) to Elih Tani’s willy, and there We mean it to stay.



(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), does it bother anyone else that Micro$oft Weird™ recognizes “willy” as correctly spelled when it’s part of “willy-nilly”, but refuses to accept a stand-alone “willy”?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)



(Good thing it’s Vanilla Ice’s birthday, and not Milli Vanilli’s.)




(Sorry.)




Speaking of Elih Tani (and Elih Tani’s willy), you will recall that, as We wrote yesterday, the only hit you would get if you Googled ”Elih Tani naked” on Wikipedia was one hit on Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!



Well, since yesterday, there are two.  (Once this e-pisstle is published, there will be three.)



Which, naturally, as We have An Inquiring Mind, made Us wonder about Elih Tani’s willy, specifically, what would happen if One Googled “Elih Tani’s willy” on Wikipedia.  (Well, not “Elih Tani’s willy”, actually….We didn’t expect there to be any hits on that (although there will be now), but “Elih Tani’s penis”.)



Imagine Our shock and dismay when We discovered that there was not ONE SINGLE HIT for “Elih Tani’s penis”!  The man is a WEB VIDEO STAR, fercrissakes (Our celebrity birthday website TOLD Us so)!  How is such a thing possible?



Luckily, Starzina Starfish-Browne and Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! are on the case and, again, once this e-pisstle goes to press, Inquiring Minds in  search of Elih Tani’s penis will be able to find it here.



You’re welcome.



If the preceding left you dazed and confused, you may have missed, nakedly skimmed, or developed a case of hysterical amnesia regarding yesterday’s e-pissode.  If so, catch up, move your lips while reading word for word, or refresh your memory with a refreshing memory douche here:  




Speaking of penises (penii?), for the naked skimmers and newbies in da house, here is a link to last week’s “Show Us The Penis” e-pissode: 




Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, Jonathan Lipnicki’s penis (ooops) into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:






Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.



****************************************




And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:



You don’t always love organizing people, (Izzat like pigeonholing them?  (Does “pigeonholing” sound like it should mean something dirty to anybody else?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.))




but today you can tell that it’s vital for getting anything done.  (Speaking of getting things done, We have about a kabillion errands to run, and it is nuclear winter outside.  Thanks, The Universe.)




You need some help to get where you’re going today.  (Yeah.  ‘Cause We always get so much help.)




Of course, you’re great on your own — better than most — and well known for doing amazing work independently. (Wow.  This is getting depressing.)




 It’s just that for now, your personal energy responds better to teamwork. (Can We pick the team?  Because We pick the Swedish Olympic men’s swim team.  Speedos™ optional.)




Any brainstorming session is bound to be of incredibly inspired.  (Could We try that again?  Maybe in English this time?)




If you can fit some social time into your busy schedule, so much the better — you make everyone feel just right.  (Don’t be ridiculous….EVERYONE won’t fit into the porridge pot.)





Being good isn’t as much fun as being bad, (Thank you, Captain Obvious.)




 but at least then you won’t have to apologize for your actions.  (Never apologize, never explain.)




Keep a low profile today and avoid the usual running commentary about your friends’ love lives. (Elih Tani’s penis.)




(What?)



Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne
 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


                                                                                                                                     

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Go ask Alice when she’s ten feet tall






Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Halloween Eve,  October Turdiest, 2014.



Once again, it is, at least according to SitOnOurFaceBook, the birthday of absolutely no one whom We know.  Which always leaves Us feeling flummoxed as, this being a blog focused on ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulation), We fear being left with nothing to talk about, or, worse, straying from the point.



So, in case you were so obtuse that you did not realize that Daniel Radcliffe is God, here’s this:




(Yes, We know We said that yesterday, but it bore repeating.  Also, We’ve got Our naked skimmers to consider.)



Speaking of naked, here’s something that’s been puzzling Us:



A week or so ago, Our celebrity birthday website informed Us that it was the birthday of one Elih Tani, “web video star”.  We duly wished Elih a Happy Birthday in that day’s e-pisstle (even though it was clear that doing so would not earn Us any cake), and the tagline for that day’s e-mail (which subsequently appeared on Twatter) was “The One Where Starzina Lists Things She Will Do For A Dollar And Elih Tani Naked‏”.



Mister Tani favorite/retwatted said twat, as one does when one is maintaining a position as an InterNetzian Sensation (note to Self: ask Our Japanese Gentle Readers about the possibility of coining new word: “sensei-tion”.  (What is current exchange rate for yen?)), and We pretty much thought no more about it.



Until today.



Mister Tani twatted something or another on Twatter this morning, and it occurred to Us to wonder just exactly WHY he is an InterNetizan sensei-tion/web video star.  So We began Googling all over Wikipedia.



(Did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us, and We actually knew what We were talking about (for a change).)



Turns out, Elih Tani is InterNetzianally sensei-tional for his Vines. (Vines, for any of Our Gentle Readers over the age of twenty-four, are six-second InterNetzian videos.)



(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), and wildly off-topic, The Vines is the latest novel by best-selling author (and Our future ex-husband) Literary Heartthrob Christopher Rice.  We have only just learned that he will be reading from/signing said novel one day next week at the newly re-opened Giovanni’s Room.  Unfortunately, We are booked for a focus group that ends just as his reading is beginning, but We are going to try desperately to make it there before the end.)



But back to Elih Tani (or, as We like to call him, “Elih Tani naked”).  He is, as We said, famous for his six-second Vines.  “Famous” being defined by Google and/or Wikipedia as “having crossed the 50,000 view threshold”.



Now bear with Us here.  (Math is hard, We know.)




50,000 views times six seconds equals 300,000 seconds, which is equal to 5000 minutes, which is approximately 83 hours, or three-and-a-half days.  So essentially, this person has been an InterNetzian Sensei-tion for about half a week.



Our Own Personal video oeuvre, meanwhile, if chopped into six-second segments, would probably cover most of the rest of the decade.  (It does, We realize, take Us about six seconds just to say, “Hello, Ducks!”)



Here, for example, is Our video starring then-eighteen-year-old Justin Bieber:




And here is Everybody’s Favorite, The One In French:




But We’ve strayed.  Back to the point: if you Google “Elih Tani naked” on Wikipedia, the only hit you will get will be Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! (You’re welcome, Elih.)  (If you Google “Christopher Rice naked” on Wikipedia, on the other hand, you will get substantially more hits than that. (Hypothetically speaking, of course.))



Speaking of penises (penii?), for the naked skimmers and newbies in da house, here is a link to last week’s “Show Us The Penis” e-pissode: 




Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, Jonathan Lipnicki’s penis (ooops) into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:




Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.


****************************************



And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:



In celebrity birthday news, Grace Slick is seventy-five today. (We asked Alice.)




You are even more driven toward success than usual (When did We get a chauffeur?)




 — so watch out, world! (Where’s Waldo?  Walla Walla, Washington.)




(Sorry.)




Things may start to speed up late in the day, but it’s slow going until then.  (“Late in the day” We are seeing friends in The Masque of  Poe.  Because We have artsy-fartsy friends like that. Which see: https://www.facebook.com/events/641211152660297/  (Except you can’t see it, because it’s all sold out.  Because We have artsy-fartsy friends like that, who sell their shows out.))




Expect greatness and it should arrive.  (Speaking of “expect greatness”, the folks at the Arden are doing a stage adaptation of Great Expectations. Long-term Gentle Readers will be aware of how We feel about Dickens, and will realize that We will not be seeing that particular epic.  (We can only imagine if WE were (subjunctively) paid by the word.) (We would, however, be all KINDS of there for a stage play entitled Great Expectorations.))




You’ve never had a taste for wastefulness, lavishness or excessiveness —  (Um, have you MET Us?)



well, not unless it’s called for. (And when would such things NOT be called for?)




The point is right now, and for the next two days, you’ll be in the mood to do whatever it takes to make your dear ones feel special.  (You heard the lady…all aboard the short bus, people!)




And the more emotionally starved you feel they’ve been, the more willing you’ll be to go out of your way to make them feel better.  (Is it just Us, or is this sounding dirtier by the second?)




You’re deeply concerned with how others see you (Especially when We’re wearing The Cloak Of Invisibility. (She started a sentence the very same way yesterday.  Block-copying bee-yotch.))



so when a misunderstanding calls your reputation into question, you feel upset. (Oh, “upset”.  Now THERE’S a strong word.)




 If you handle things calmly, you can defuse the situation (On the other hand, if We handle things dimly, We can confuse the situation.)



— and come out looking good!   (This is pretty much as good-looking as We get.  Sorry.)



(Did We mention Elih Tani naked?)




Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne
 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.