Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Monday II: Return of the Monday: The Monday Strikes Back, March Elebbenf, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Christopher, who turns twenty-four today, all the way out in WeHo, El Lay. We have chosen today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Gerard Depardieu Marilyn McCoo Pepe LePew in his honor. Because that’s just how We roll. You’re welcome.
Happy Birthday also to Becca, who most likely does not EVEN turn twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
We sincerely hope that the fact that We know people who are turning ages lower than twenty-four does not make any of Our twenty-four-year-old friends (of which We have, unaccountably, a legion bordering on a plethora) feel old.
Fun Musical Theatre Trivia Fact: “A Legion Bordering On A Plethora” was the original title of the song “(I Love You) A Bushel And A Peck” from Guys and Dolls.
How it is that We do not have Our Own television show, We have no idea.
Speaking of The Business That Is Show Which Is Unique In That There Is No Business That Is NOT Show That Is Even Remotely Akin To It (do We even need to tell you that they re-wrote that lyric at the express request of Ms. Ethel Merman?), We have not one, not two, but THREE business of show business proposals outstanding, and have heard not Peep One on any front. Which would not be especially unusual, except that they are all outstanding with people We know. There’s no people like show people who need people are the luckiest up, up, with people in Stop the World I Want To Get Off.
We should point out that We have only three more performances of Our current murder mystery, before it is replaced by Our new murder mystery. Those dates are March 15, 28, and 29, so if you’re interested, lettuce know quick, fast, and in-a-hurry. Also, the radio play will return with all-new episodes (they’re not e-pissodes, because they’re on the radio) on April 10. Moron that story as it develops.
Meanwhile, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8
Because you do that, don’t you? DON’T YOU?
And here, because We can resist no opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring the now non-teen-aged Justin Bieber. :
In horrifying news, We had better best get the fuck out of Pisces FAST, because We just discovered that Justin Bieber has now surpassed Johnny Depp as Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!’s most-cited celebrity. Jeebus.
In keeping with today’s theme, novelist Douglas Adams’ birthday is also today.
And now, the HorrorScope:
You need an emotional outlet (WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? HOW DARE YOU! WE’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OUT OF YOU!!!)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
— and that doesn’t mean a punching bag! (We were on the verge of making a ballsac joke here. Then We started thinking…why not an ACTUAL punching bag that looks like a ballsac? That could be a thing, right? Lettuce just hop on over to KickStarter.,..)
(Okay, fine: “scrotum”.)
(Is it just Us, or is the word “scrotum” totally underused?)
Unless boxing is your preferred means of venting, (Or unless it’s Boxing Day.)
you need to find a non-aggressive method for handling all this. (Is anyone else picturing Sylvester Stallone, in a gym, pounding away at a big ol’ scrotum? Just Us? Alrighty, then.)
(This boxing thing We’ve hit (heh) upon is somewhat satisfying the overwhelming urges We are having this morning to punch any number of people in the face. So there’s that. (Perhaps later, We shall go run up the Art Museum steps. (Or not.)))
You didn’t choose your family like you did your friends, (If you use “pick” instead of “choose”, you could end that sentence with that “but you can’t pick your friend’s nose” joke. (Which was, of course, the original lyric for “Pick A Little, Talk A Little” from The Music Man, replaced at the request of Robert Preston, who was a renowned boogerophobe.))
(Many of you Gentle Readers out there probably don’t even realize that boogerophobia is a thing. This has been a Public Service Announcement. You’re welcome.)
(Having already done a riff on scrotums (scrota? scrotae?), We hesitate to do a “Pubic Service Announcement” joke. (But only because We can’t think of one.))
but you still have a certain amount of responsibility when it comes to their well-being. (Oh, was that sentence still going on? Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)
Try to be as helpful as possible. (Always.)
(Always™. Have a happy period.)
Accept responsibility for your mistakes, (Oh, no…that would be wrong!)
admit when you’re wrong (See?)
and accept any apologies headed your way. (Fuck apologies…send cash.)
Taking the first step down the path of reconciliation isn’t as difficult as you think. (The second step, however, is, as They say, a floozy. (Why do they say that? And what does it mean? Why does anybody listen to Them?))
Spend the morning focusing on your home life. (Wait…We have a life?)
When the domestic business is taken care of, you’ll still have lots of energy to go out and have some fun. (Mmm-hmmm…let’s just hold Our breath and wait for THAT to happen.)
Alternatively, these from the Onion:
Aries Remember, it's never too late to fall in love. It's just too late to fall in the kind of love that isn't a complete compromise based on a fear of dying alone.
- Taurus You'll become the sworn enemy of men's-magazine readers nationwide when you publicly state that Bullit wasn't really a very good movie.
- Gemini You'll stumble onto a great little trattoria with excellent food and a great wine list, but what you'll really need is a well-equipped burn ward.
- Cancer You'll be plunged into a pit of depression by the thought that Stevie Wonder will probably not live forever.
- Leo Raise your voice in anger and rail against the Gods all you want, but they only have it in blue and not in your size.
- Virgo Your love life will hum along like a well-oiled machine, thanks largely to a new formulation of oil and a clever little Swedish machine.
- Libra In The Hall Of The Mountain King is a strange choice for a first dance between husband and wife, but the walrus trainer insists.
- Scorpio You've never been the type to believe in love at first sight, or anything else even slightly romantic, for that matter.
- Sagittarius You'll start to wonder if people aren't getting a little too political after you're blasted in the media for being soft on education and the economy.
- Capricorn You have to stop worrying about what people think of you, especially since it's so complicated you probably wouldn't be able to understand it.
- Aquarius They say a fool and his money are soon parted, but you still have that ten bucks you found on the sidewalk the other day.
- Pisces Your ex will finally stop by to get all his stuff, which is weird because you didn't know anyone saw you take it.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.