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Tuesday, November 25, 2014

You’re so cute, I wanna wear you like a suit






Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday,  November Twenny-Fivest, 2014.



Happy Birthday to OurAuntSandy, who is a completely different person than the Sandy to whom We wished a Happy Birthday yesterday.  OurAuntSandy turns twenty-four today all the way out in TotoIDon’tThinkWe’reInKansasAnyMore.  (It is no damn wonder Dorothy was confused…We have been to Kansas once, and half the time One thinks One is in Kansas, One is actually in Missouri.  Also, Kansas City? Is actually in Missouri.  Except when it isn’t.)




Geography is hard.





Happy Birthday also to Ed, who also turns twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.



Speaking of birthdays, We have leapt this past weekend into Sagittarius, Our video for which is above.  If We had Our finger on Our ephemeris We could tell you exactly when.  (Dirty-minded Gentle Readers with limited vocabularies just went scurrying off to Google “ephemeris” on Wikipedia.  Quests for knowledge are HAWTT.)



Here is the link with which you may share Our Sagittarius video with both of your friends:





And here, for your further edification, is Our very first Sagittarius video:






(If your name is Ed, do you even need further edification?)




(Heh…see what We did there?)



Speaking of codpieces (it is so relevant…watch the video), here, presented sans comment, is a pixture from a local production of Kiss Me, Kate:






So yesterday was pretty perfect, no?  All the rain they predicted for the daytime happened the night before, and it was sunny all day, with a high of 73 here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Of course, We’re going to pay for it tomorrow, as it snows on everybody’s Turkey Day travel, but whatevs.



In still other news, thanks to Our most recent efforts, Googling “Grayson Coats naked” and “Grayson Coats’ penis” on Wikipedia now return hits, much like “Elih Tani naked” and “Elih Tani’s penis”.  You’re welcome, Grayson Coats.  And Elih Tani.




Is no one going to comment on how adorable this is?  Or at all?  (Is this thing on?):







Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: 









Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.



****************************************



In celebrity birthday news, Our celebrity birthday website informs Us that it is the birthday of one Joey Chestnut.  His claim to fame, according to said website?  “Other.”  Naturally, We were compelled to Google him on Wikipedia…

He is a competitive eater.

We give the fuck up.




You’re using people to your advantage today — but you’re not hurting them, so your karmic debt stays the same. (Where are these damn people?  Other than yesterday’s story about Allen, We don’t recall much of this “using to Our advantage”.  And THAT was in a damn dream…)




If anything, you may be able to use this energy to help others!  (Well, yippee-kai-yi-fuckin’-yay!)




Does it seem to you that the lunatics are in charge of the asylum? (So We’re sitting here, staring at the word “lunatic”, and wondering why it isn’t pronounced more akin to “fanatics”.  (So what We’re saying, in essence, is that clearly NO ONE is in charge of the asylum.))




A boss, manager or some other kind of big cheese may not be quite the cool, calm and collected authority figure that you were hoping for. (“Big cheese”?  Seriously?)




If that’s the case, don’t just stamp your feet and scream at anyone who’ll stand still. (Why not?  That sounds like fun.)




Instead, keep your head even while others around you may be losing theirs. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Marie Antoinette. (Oh, wait…))




Hopefully everyone will notice your example and follow it. (Yeah.  ‘Cause that could happen.)




You finally got that date! (Of course We did.  Because We were aiming for the fig.)


  

 It’s totally normal to be this nervous, but remember they’re probably just as nervous! (It IS an asylum, after all.)  




Don’t forget to have fun! (Wouldn’t “remember to have fun” be a more glass-half-full way of saying that?  AssHatt.)



Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne
 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    


Monday, November 24, 2014

All my tears have been used up on another love, another love





Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMannixManhandlingMadgeTheManicuristMonday,  November Twenny-Fourst, 2014.



Faithful Gentle Readers will be happy to learn that We finally read last Sunday’s Sunday paper, in addition to this Sunday’s.  We know you were concerned that those crossword puzzles weren’t getting done.



Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Sandy, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, mere steps away from OurOwnHouseWhereWeLive in, and We quote, “South Narnia”.



Happy Birthday also to Amanda, who also turns twenty-four today, all the way Down Under.  Not only in Australia, but in South Australia, thereby making her one of Our farthest-flung Gentle Readers.  (With the possible exception of Our LexInChina. (Hi, LexInChina!  How’s it hangin’?  (Pictures, or it didn’t hang.)))



(It being Monday morning, please do not imagine that We are going to be arsed to look at a map to determine whether Amanda or LexInChina is actually farther away. Australia and China are both ginormous countires, one of them being also a continent, and knowing that Amanda is in the South part of Australia and LexInChina is in the Korean part of China really doesn’t help Us, as We are geographically dyslexic.)



(Micro$oft Weird™ would have Us believe that “ginormous” is not a word.  Clearly, Micro$oft Weird™ hasn’t seen Our ass recently.)



In other birthday-related news, Happy Belated Birthday to Alex, Jefrey, Laura, Mark, Matt, Nat, Peggy, and Spencer, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.  One of them in Canada!  Which, Our sources tell Us, is also a foreign country, much like Australia and China, but not nearly so far-flung.



(That’s twice now that We’ve said “far-flung” and not made a “well-hung” joke.  You should be very proud of Us.)



Speaking of all these birthdays, We have leapt this past weekend into Sagittarius, Our video for which is above.  If We had Our finger on Our ephemeris We could tell you exactly when.  (Dirty-minded Gentle Readers with limited vocabularies just went scurrying off to Google “ephemeris” on Wikipedia.  Quests for knowledge are HAWTT.)



Here is the link with which you may share Our Sagittarius video with both of your friends:  




In still other news, thanks to Our most recent efforts, Googling “Grayson Coats naked” and “Grayson Coats’ penis” on Wikipedia now return hits, much like “Elih Tani naked” and “Elih Tani’s penis”.  You’re welcome, Grayson Coats.  And Elih Tani.



{ (The preceding was a big-ass bracket, because the following bits all go together:

And there have been further developments in this ongoing saga:

In other news, non-naked-skimmers will recall that, two days ago, the following happened:

And then, as if Our real-life problems were (subjunctively) in some way insufficient/insignificant, Our sleeping brain decided to regale Us with a totally unrelated nightmare, which promptly woke Us up at an hour far too early for human habitation.




Of course, once awake, Our actual problems began conspiring to keep Us that way, and We quickly realized that We required some sort of diversion. We thumbed (metaphorically) through Our mental file of Gentle Readers Whom We’ve Seen Nekkid, and soon embarked on a pleasant diversionary fantasy which lulled Us back to sleep for an hour or so.




So, Allen in Mississourontanasota, if your ears were burning this morning long about six AM Our time, that would be why.




(And, by “ears”, of course, We mean “not so much your ears at all”.)


And then, yesterday, it happened again.  We imagined that, a la Beetlejuice, were it (subjunctively) to happen a third time, We would awaken to Allen’s actual presence in OurBedWhereWeSleep….

What happened instead was this…

…mostly the exact same story as before, except that where Allen had been, there was now…Donny Osmond. And not geriatric AARP Donny Osmond, neither,  but  twenty-something young-dumb-and-full-of-cum Donny Osmond.


We’re not quite sure how to process that information.


Well, that very night, the story resolved.  Allen returned to replace Donny Osmond.  With, as it were, a vengeance.  Ya know how We said earlier, “pictures or it didn’t hang”?  Trust Us, it hung.  In 3D video.  Hangin’ and bangin’, if you will.  (Or even if you won’t…what makes you think it’s all about you?)

Not, mind you that We won’t graciously accept any pictures you care to send.

(Does it count as a “well-hung” joke if We never actually said “well-hung”?) } (The preceding was another big-ass bracket because this bit is over now.)


Is no one going to comment on how adorable this is?  Or at all?  (Is this thing on?):




Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here:







Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

    
****************************************         


In celebrity birthday news, British singer Tom Odell is twenty-four today. You Yanks, of course, have no idea who he is, but if you Google up some pictures of him on Wikipedia, you will see that twenty-four is the new fourteen.  We have panties that are older than this boy.  They say “Ye Olde Tuesday” on the front.



And now, because We gots thangs ta doo, here, in lieu of call-and-response with Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli is A Reading From Madame Olivia (We love it when she talks about Uranus.):




Greetings Starzina ~

Madame Olivia is very happy to have you back.

Madame Olivia has a fantastic line to use at any gathering when you're trying to strike up a conversation: "How camest thou hither, tell me, and wherefore?" What Juliet meant, in part, is What are you doing here? It's also a way of saying "So how do you know x" or "what brings you here?" It's just so much fun to say. Madame Olivia hopes you will find it useful.

Now, dear Aries, Madame Olivia would like to remind you that Uranus has moved into... Aries! This betokens many exciting things, of which one is an enhancement of your fun-loving nature. Madame Olivia suggests that you not defer plans for relaxation and exploration you've been toying with. Stop toying and start playing. This is the time for it.
Madame Olivia senses that the color yellow is going to be important for you

It's been a pleasure to be with you. Farewell from Madame Olivia until we meet again.



Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne
 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.