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Wednesday, December 17, 2014

I made it out of Clay Aiken







Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay,  December Sebbenteenst, 2014.



Happy Birthday to Charlie, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.



Happy Birthday also to Lizzie, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.



So BOTH of Our birthday people live here, and We bet We still don’t get cake.



Also, Chappy Chanukkah to Our Jewish Gentle Readers.



Moving on…



We have a Very Special Murder Mystery at the Murder Mystery Factory today at 2:30. Because who DOESN’T want a four-course lunch? We have one new actor starting, and one actor playing a role he’s never played before.  Because Gawd forbid anything should be easy.  We really need to win PowerBall™ very soon.



At any rate, here is the e-pissode from last Christmas season that everybody seems (according to Our Gootgle-O-Meter™)  to be revisiting all of a sudden:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/12/she-works-hard-for-money.html   Enjoy!





We are leaving this holiday-related bit here, in case you missed it:





On a positive note, check out Our Best Of Holidailies™ Award  here:  http://www.holidailies.org/entries/bestof#entry-1286 and go to the e-ntry directly here:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/12/time-passages.html




We have leapt recently into Sagittarius, Our video for which is above.  (If We had Our finger on Our ephemeris We could tell you exactly when.  (Dirty-minded Gentle Readers with limited vocabularies just went scurrying off to Google “ephemeris” on Wikipedia.  Quests for knowledge are HAWTT.))



Here is the link with which you may share Our Sagittarius video with both of your friends:   http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  




And here, for your further edification, is Our very first Sagittarius video:





Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html  ? 



Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.



****************************************



In celebrity birthday news, We are going to send you to Our celebrity birthday website your on selves so you can see the sorry collection of D-list has-beens, never-weres, and nobodies who were born today.  The only person of actual note is Pope Francis, and We aren’t even saying that to make a joke.  Jeebus.  Here ya go: http://www.famousbirthdays.com/december17.html





Aries

While innovative, your plans for a solar-panel-powered sex machine will fall victim to a wave of scorn and derision.

Taurus

It may be time to get help for your fear of public speaking now that it's tragically prevented you from yelling "Look out!" to yet another group of innocent bystanders.

Gemini

Somehow, exclaiming "Someone in this very room is the murderer!" lacks dramatic weight when everyone just saw you beat a guy to death with a tire iron.

Cancer

It's not as if you have an insatiable thirst for blood. You're just insatiably thirsty and blood happens to be what's around.

Leo

You'll meet your own mortality face-to-face this week and be completely disarmed by his boyish smile, nice suit, and career as an environmental lawyer.

Virgo

You'll be frustrated and mortified when it turns out there's no such thing as a professional snipe hunter, but the pay's good and you get to work a four-day week.

Libra

You'll be faced with the choice of either investing in apartment insurance or getting rid of your cat and her thus far undetected fascination with candles.

Scorpio

The idea that nothing can offend you anymore is shattered when you find out what atrocities George Lucas has in store for the 35th anniversary of Star Wars.

Sagittarius

You said you'd retire after one last job, and 40 years after accepting a minor actuarial position with Amalgamated Loan and Trust, you're honoring your word.

Capricorn

Constantly seeking approval is unhealthy, but you should still consider the opinions of those nice folks from the Secret Service.

Aquarius

The verb "tear" is somewhat misleading here, but certain people and circumstances in your life will in fact combine to give you a new asshole.

Pisces

You thought you were over her, but the memories keep flooding back as the scars heal and your brain tissue repairs itself.

(Who wants cake?)



Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne
 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    


Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Come, they told me






Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday,  December Sixteenst, 2014.



Happy Birthday to Holly, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.



Happy Birthday also to Rebecca, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.



And also as well too, Happy Birthday to Dylan, who and also as well too turns twenty-four today, all the way out on The Left Coast.



And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Nick, who also turns twenty-four today, also all the way out on The Left Coast.



So, to sum up, nobody lives anywhere funny, half the people live here, We still don’t get cake.



Moving on…



We spent most of yesterday doing the last of Our Christmas shopping.  This holiday season is completely cockeyed…We haven’t done a single holiday-related fun thing yet, (although We have entertained at other people’s holiday parties ad nauseum), no one’s seen Our tree (wuzzat a euphemism?), and We are headed for the hinterlands this weekend (in, We are informed, a blizzard).  Sigh.




(We may get to have a friend over for a drink on Thursday.  In between Our two days of daytime gigs at the Murder Mystery Factory.)




Meanwhile, today, We are off to a two-hour focus group, following which We must rush home to (probably miss) a one-hour online focus group (SEPTA…We’re Getting There).  Because, ya know, money.  Sigh. Sigh.



In other news, Our Google-O-Meter™ informs Us that, in addition to this week’s e-pisstles, people are hitting on Our e-ntry from December 14, 2013, in which We explained the inner workings of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, so We’re just gonna go right ahead and excerpt that for you here to save you time and trouble.  (You’re welcome.):




In other news, it is Day Fourteen of Holidailies(TM) (http://www.holidailies.org ), and while We have indeed penned fourteen e-pissodes of these E-ric’s!Daily!Horoscope! e-pisstles, We do not have fourteen Holidaily entries, because We have twice forgotten to upload the damn things.



What We clearly need up in this place is an e-fficiency e-xpert.  (Or perhaps We could just persuade OurPatrickWhoArtInBostonia (hi, Patrick!) to have Us declared mentally incompetent and commit Us. (Now THERE’S a commitment ceremony everybody’d wanna see…just picture the china pattern!))



Here’s how one of these e-pisstles is created:  first, We connect Our Etch-A-Sketch™ to Our eight-track tape player, and shove ‘em both into the Beta-Max™…



Okay, it’s not quite that bad.  But still…



We pull up yesterday’s e-pissode in Micro$oft Weird™ (because working in the Google blogspot environment is way too annoying), delete all the stuff We don’t want to go forward, and keep all the stuff We do.



We check SitOnMyFaceBook to see whose birthday it is, and wish them a happy birthday.  Then We share any pertinent information that comes to mind.  For example, this would be where We would tell you that We had a dream last night about rats.  But it was okay, because Chord Overstreet was in it.  And he was naked.  (We probably didn’t need to add that last part…who the hell has dreams about Chord Overstreet where he’s NOT naked?)



Then We go to astrology.com and pull up the three pieces of Kelli’s asshatted blatherings that We use (daily horoscope, daily extended, and daily singles) into Notepad (pulling them directly into Weird™ causes problems) and answer her simple ass back.



Once We have written the e-ntire e-pissode (are you sick of this e-crap yet?),  We think up a song lyric for the title, and doublecheck it for accuracy. (Oddly e-nough (heh), Our memory is not always 100% reliable.  Go figger.)



Then it’s time to move to Blogspot.  We choose a Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Gerard Depardieu Maya Angelou Boy Named Sue from Our archives, import (and re-space) the text, add celebrity names to the Labels index, and publish.  We also share, at that point, on Google+, as more and more people are pretending to use it, even though nobody has any idea what it’s for.



We send out an email alert to the 75-or-so people who still get a daily email alert, We update Our SitOnMyFaceBook status (with a quote fromhttp://www.textsfromlastnight.com ), and We tweet on Twatter.  Also, We send a SitOnMyFaceBook message to all the non-celebrity people who were mentioned in that day’s e-pissode.



Is it any goddamn wonder We forgot to post to Holidailies?  Jeebus!


We are leaving this holiday-related bit here, in case you missed it:




On a positive note, check out Our Best Of Holidailies™ Award  here:  http://www.holidailies.org/entries/bestof#entry-1286 and go to the e-ntry directly here:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/12/time-passages.html .




We have leapt recently into Sagittarius, Our video for which is above.  (If We had Our finger on Our ephemeris We could tell you exactly when.  (Dirty-minded Gentle Readers with limited vocabularies just went scurrying off to Google “ephemeris” on Wikipedia.  Quests for knowledge are HAWTT.))



Here is the link with which you may share Our Sagittarius video with both of your friends:   http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  




And here, for your further edification, is Our very first Sagittarius video:





Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html  ? 



Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.



****************************************



In celebrity birthday news, it is Theo James’s 30th birthday.  Most people know him from the fillum Divergent. We recently read the first book in the Divergent series, which, as near as We could tell, was the exact same book as the first book in the Hunger Games series, which We also read. We haven’t seen any of the fillums in either series, although We appear to be missing out on a good bit of eye candy by giving them a miss.  In one of those odd co-inky-dinks that happen from time to time, We were just informed that Our 13-year-old cousin has a huge crush on Mister James, whom it turns out We have seen in his guest appearance on Downton Abbey, where (spoiler alert) he deflowered Lady Mary and promptly died.





Now is the perfect time to get started on something new — maybe a new business venture, or maybe a new relationship. (Yeah, We’ll just head on over to the new relationship tree and pick one.)




You feel more connected to the world, (We are the world, We are the chirren…)




(Oh, shut up.)



and should be able to make real progress.   (At this point, We’d settle for imaginary progress.)




A recent encounter that began somewhat playfully turned out to be highly-charged — and quite passionate, even. It’s also tough to forget, which may or may not be a good thing. In fact, you may even have to reluctantly admit that you’re obsessing.  (Okay who the hell replaced Kelli with an actual Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)?)




So if someone close asks you what’s wrong, don’t be surprised to learn that you’re more in the mood to shout than speak softly. (Insert “big stick” joke here.)







You believe the best of others, especially in romantic matters, but sometimes you’re less than completely selfless when it comes to getting what you want. (Is it just Us, or wouldn’t “less than completely selfless” kind of be part of the definition of “trying to get what you want”?)



(Words have meanings.  AssHatt.)




Put someone else first for best results. (Well, since it’s his birthday and all, We’ll put Theo James first.  (And Chord Overstreet behind.  (Then We’ll switch.)))

(Who wants cake?)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne
 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.