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Thursday, April 17, 2014

1000th E-Pissode!






Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for April 17rd , 2014.



Happy birthday to HimSelf, who was up for a little while, but stormed back to bed in a fit of pique when He realized that SitOnMyFaceBook was hiding people’s birthday wishes from him.



Happy Birthday to Our Birthday Twin Katy, who turns twenty-four today.  She would be doing so right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, but her boyfriend has taken her to New York for the day.  Because SHE has, ya know, a BOYFRIEND.



Happy Birthday also to Our other Birthday Twin, Alejandro, who also turns twenty-four today. And whose name is so lovely and fun to say that We may just have to say it over and over again. Alejandro, Alejandro, Alejandro.



(Oh, look…there he is!)



Of course, the Big Deal around here today has nothing to do with birthdays…it is Our ONE THOUSANDTH E-PISSODE in Bloggonia!



( A faithful Gentle Reader asked Us yesterday how We timed it so that Our 1000th e-pissode would fall on the anniversary of Our nativity…We realized several months ago that it was going to be close, and after that, it was actually a matter of writing MORE e-pissodes than We ordinarily would have to get Us there.)



We are going to depart from Our usual format for the festivities (so if you’re new here, you might want to check out an older e-pisstle or two to get a sense of what We’re all about, Alfalfa), but, to make Faithful Readers feel at home, We DO just have a nit or two to pick before We begin:




Our credit card informed Us today that, beginning May 1, We would have automatic travel insurance such that, if a trip should be cancelled, We would not have to pay hotel, etc. cancellation fees.  Thanks, credit card…where the hell were ya when We needed ya during Our end-of-February/early March debacle?



If you are on an online dating site, and the sum total of your pictures consists of not one, not two, but FIVE pictures of you with YOUR MOTHER, We are NOT GOING TO DATE YOU, Norman Bates.





Okay, enough of that there…



On to some thank-yous on this auspicious occasion…



We would like to thank Patrick, who caused Starzina to exist in the first place, and OurMizGerre, who gave her her name (the “Starzina” part, not the “Starfish-Browne” part).



We would like to thank Kevin, who suggested that We enter Bloggonia in the first place, lo those one thousand e-pissodes ago.



We would like to thank Joe, who created Our video universe, and directed Our live (nude girls) show.  And also Danny, Doh, and Mike, who made guest appearances in said videos. (Which, because We are shameless, see here):








We would like to thank everyone who came out to see the aforementioned live show, in the Fringe, or at L’Etage, or beyond.  If you have ideas regarding future appearances, lettuce know.



But most of all, We would like to thank all of Our readers, from Our most faithful daily Gentle Readers to Our nakedest naked skimmers, from Lex in China and Shaun in the Yuk, to TCBITWWW and the entire population of WeHo, to the Always Naked In Our Dreams Allen in Minnessississichigontana, and everyone in between.



And here’s the HorrorScope:



It would appear that We also share a birthday with some celebrity called Luke Mitchell, of whom We had not previously heard.  At least now We know who We’ll be licking frosting off of later.



Also, because it cannot be said too often, Johnny Depp.



We are presenting Kelli’s blatherings here sans comment, in the hopes that YouPeople will chime in with your responses to any part or all:



Your emotions are running the gamut from manically happy to down in the dumps and back again — it can get exhausting! Try not to worry too much about where the roulette wheel ends up, though.  Relationships go through transitions, and it’s not healthy to resist them. You need to stay open to change and understand that just as you grow as a person, they do too. You want the best for your friends and loved ones, so you need to support their experiments and cheer when they need it. If someone’s new endeavor is taking up their free time, so be it. You can’t expect them to keep their life exactly the way you’d like it to be, can you? Give them freedom and they’ll give it back.  What may sound in your head like a snarky comeback or a witty joke could be interpreted quite differently after it leaves your mouth or your outbox. Go easy — especially if this person doesn’t get your style yet.




Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


                                                                                                                                     

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

The bluest sky you've ever seen, in Seattle.






Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, April 16rd , 2014.



Happy Birthday to TheLovelyAndTalentedKevin, who turns twenty-four today.  He would be doing so right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, but he is currently vacationing in Seattle or some such.  Don’t share Space Needles.    (We have no idea what that means.)




We should like to point out to Kevin, in case he was unaware, that Emma Watson’s birthday was just yesterday.  (We have no idea what THAT means either, but as far as Kevin is concerned, We are fairly certain that One would do better to mention Emma Watson than NOT to mention Emma Watson.)



In honor of the anniversary of TheLovelyAndTalentedKevin’s nativity, here, all the way from Britland, is “How Sweary Are You?”, which will no doubt teach you Yanks a few new words.  It is purely textual, so it SHOULD be safe for work, unless Big Brother can read the text you’re reading, or you are foolish enough to read it aloud: http://www.buzzfeed.com/robinedds/how-sweary-are-you




(It occurs to Us that, in addition to being generally amusing, this list of British vulgarities might be of particular interest to the gentlemen playing Lance Boyle, from the British boy-band Nocturnal Emission, in Our new murder mystery, one of whom is the aforementioned TheLovelyAndTalentedKevin.  So We shall include you on the SitOnMyFaceBook notification.)



In other news, Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! is coming up on a landmark…We will very shortly be celebrating our THOUSANDTH e-pissode in Bloggonia! Stay tuned for updates on the festivities! 




Today, for those of you who are wondering, or who are mathematically inclined, is E-pissode Number 999.  Consequently, in the time-honored tradition of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, We are going to complain. About Things That Are Unfair.



It is unfair to dream about “waking up” and “being unable to go back to sleep”, all the while “being unable to remember what you were dreaming about when you were ‘asleep’ (which you still are)”.  It is also unfair for dead people to come back to life so they can Die Another Day in your dreams.  Neither of these things is remotely restful.



It is unfair that, if We could afford to have someone come over and clean OurHouseWhereWeLive, We would have to clean OurHouseWhereWeLive before We could have someone come over to clean OurHouseWhereWeLive.



It is unfair that We cannot even complain about the major thing We have to complain about, as it would violate Our Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! rule about discussing people We know in anything but a positive light.



It is further unfair that the fact that We have vowed not to complain at all during tomorrow’s 1000th E-Pissode only serves to guarantee that, as soon as We post THIS e-pissode, something monumentally complaint-worthy will happen to Us.  Sigh.



*****************************************************************



In still other news, please Save The Date for Saturday, May 10th, as the WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at L’Etage.  More on that story as it develops, but inside sources tell Us that Jesus H. Christ’s celebrity chair will be taken by His Mother, Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod! You won’t want to miss THAT!



Wait a minute…yesterday, it was seventy degrees out, and today it’s FORTY?!? The hell?!?



We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the glorious sign of Aries, the harbinger of Spring and the anniversary of Our Own Personal nativity.  Our Aries video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:



Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:




Also also, now that We have left Pisces, We need to randomly mention Johnny Depp, to return him to Number One Cited Celebrity status here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  We wouldn’t want him to get mad.



And here’s the HorrorScope:



We have consulted Our celebrity birthday website, and have thus concluded that TheLovelyAndTalentedKevin is hotter than everyone else born on his birthday.  (Of course, We’re talking about Jon Cryer, Jimmy Osmond, and Wilbur Wright, but still…)



Things are going on deep within you that you can’t understand  (We WISH!)




— but you don’t have to!  (You are not the boss of Us!)




(Wait, what?)




You’re in a really good position (Downward dachshund?)




(See, now, We debated how that joke should go.  We settled on “downward dachshund” because We thought it was suBtler, and We are nothing if not suBtle. (Our other option, for those of you who are comedy-impaired, was “downward wienerdog”.)  We’re fairly certain We made the right decision, but let’s take a quick Gentle Reader survey…)



(See?  YouPeople think this is EASY…)




 to make a difference when it comes to family or other group dynamics.   (Wait…Kelli is still talking?  Jeebus.)




Expect a few ego clashes to slow down your progress today — and be grateful that time is not a big concern of yours right now. (Indeed. Odd how We have all the time in the world, as it (subjunctively) were, and yet, They say “time is money”, but We don’t have any of that. Is puzzlement.)




A drama is coming, but it will be a very entertaining one for you — because you’re not going to be a part of it. (Oh, goody…another play that We’re not in.)




You get to sit on the sidelines, enjoying the game that other people are playing. (Is it a play, or a football game?  Stop masturbating your metaphors.)




It won’t be too bloody, but it will be full of low blows (OOOOoooohhhhh!!!!)




and even a shocking revelation or two. (Did We mention that We’re not easily shocked?)




Whenever people get together, the social dynamics can get complicated.  (And whenever people DON’T get together, there ARE no social dynamics…what’s yer fuckin’ point?)




Life could get a little off-balance today. (We prefer “off-kilter”.  (Actually, We’d prefer that you take your kilt off.))



Try a long walk with an old friend.  (We’d prefer an old walk with a long friend.  (As long as he takes his kilt off.))



(Stay tuned tomorrow for Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!’s
1000th E-Pissode!!!!  
)






Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


                                                                                                                                     

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Wonder of Wonders, Musical of Musicals





Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, April 15rd , 2014.



Happy Birthday to Amanda, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Happy Birthday also to Doug, who also turns twenty-four today, all the way out on the other side of This Great State Of Ours.



When people ask Us what state We live in, We generally answer “Confusion”.  When they look at Us blankly, We say, “See?”



(That is completely made up…no one ever asks you what state you live in in a conversation.  However, We DO frequently say that when filling out online surveys, which DO ask what state you live in. (Why yes, We DO talk out loud in OurHouseWhereWeLive when We’re all alone…doesn’t everybody?))



In other news, if you read Our blurb about Musical of Musicals: The Musical  yesterday, and were considering going, here is their review in today’s Inquirer (please note that the picture caption referring to them as the “crack cast” does not mean they are actually on crack.  We have sung a song or two in Our day, and One could not possibly sing with One’s teeth falling out): 
http://www.philly.com/philly/entertainment/20140415_Musicals_tomorrow__musicals_tonight_.html (Please note also that, now that We look at it again, they are each and every one of them more attractive than that publicity photo would have you believe.)




If you did NOT read Our blurb about Musical of Musicals: The Musical  yesterday, We reproduce it here for your convenience:




We ventured forth from The Cradle Of American Civilization yesterday to see Musical of Musicals: The Musical at the Montgomery Theater (We’re not exactly clear on where We were geographically, but We suspect We were somewhere near the O Hai, Ohio border. (If you imagine that such intrepid exploration was occasioned by one or more handsome young gentlemen, you would be entirely correct.))



At any rate, if you are one of Our far-flung Gentle Readers, you should definitely give your horsie a carrot and have him carry you on out to this show, wherever it may be, as it is a great deal of laugh-out-loud fun.  Info is here (apparently, they have InterNetz in The Hinterlands now…who knew?):  




Please note also that the actual title seems to be THE Musical of Musicals… We have been erroneously omitting the “THE” since We first heard of the thing, because it reminds Us of the song “Miracle of Miracles” from Fiddler on the Roof.



Not, mind you, that We are a big Fiddler on the Roof fan.  Our high school once did Fiddler on the Roof.  We went to a Catholic high school.  They cut out all the Jewish references.  The show ran in between morning announcements and the Pledge of Allegiance.  There were no songs.  It seemed to be about some guy named Tevye who was trying to grow a beard.



(Obviously, We are joking.)






((We never went to high school.))




In other news, please Save The Date for Saturday, May 10th, as the WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at L’Etage.  More on that story as it develops, but inside sources tell Us that Jesus H. Christ’s celebrity chair will be taken by His Mother, Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod! You won’t want to miss THAT!



In still other news, Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! is coming up on a landmark…We will very shortly be celebrating our THOUSANDTH e-pissode in Bloggonia! Stay tuned for updates on the festivities! (Today, for those of you who are wondering, or who are mathematically inclined, is E-pissode Number 998.)



We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the glorious sign of Aries, the harbinger of Spring and the anniversary of Our Own Personal nativity.  Our Aries video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:



Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:




Also also, now that We have left Pisces, We need to randomly mention Johnny Depp, to return him to Number One Cited Celebrity status here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  We wouldn’t want him to get mad.



And here’s the HorrorScope:



In celebrity birthday news, Emma Watson actually DOES turn twenty-four today.  So, presumably, the rest of Us can just give it up.



Charm is your best friend today, (Oh, great…friend-zoned by Prince Charming.  Kiss Us quick, We’re an ugly stepsister.)




so make sure that you’re thinking it all through before you try to get anything from anyone.  (Wow.  Way to make it specific, Ass Hatt.  All human endeavor is futile…The End.)




Your best bet is to hear them out before making your case.  (Sorry…did you say something?)



(Heh. See what We did there?)




Your world’s an orderly, balanced and bright one, and you’re doing your part to keep it that way — putting selfishness aside and enjoying giving just as much as you’re delighting in receiving. (Um…have you MET Us?)




This generous mood of yours also gives you an extra-sparkly charm factor, which won’t go unnoticed by those around you and may be noticed by one person in particular.  (Yeah…people are always telling Us that…that the first thing they notice about Us is Our extra-sparkly charm factor.  That, and the fact that We smell like patchouli and failure.)




You’re the center of the universe, of course, but making it all about you is a big mistake for the time being.  (That sounds like it COULD BE vaguely flattering, but We are astute enough to recognize it for the big ol’ fat joke that it is.)



(You DID know that We were a stute, riiight?)



Turn your attention (Sorry…what?)



toward those fortunate enough to be near you and let them take center stage for a while.  (Yeah, okay.  We’ll just be over here, insanely doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.)





Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.