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Monday, November 24, 2014

All my tears have been used up on another love, another love





Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMannixManhandlingMadgeTheManicuristMonday,  November Twenny-Fourst, 2014.



Faithful Gentle Readers will be happy to learn that We finally read last Sunday’s Sunday paper, in addition to this Sunday’s.  We know you were concerned that those crossword puzzles weren’t getting done.



Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Sandy, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, mere steps away from OurOwnHouseWhereWeLive in, and We quote, “South Narnia”.



Happy Birthday also to Amanda, who also turns twenty-four today, all the way Down Under.  Not only in Australia, but in South Australia, thereby making her one of Our farthest-flung Gentle Readers.  (With the possible exception of Our LexInChina. (Hi, LexInChina!  How’s it hangin’?  (Pictures, or it didn’t hang.)))



(It being Monday morning, please do not imagine that We are going to be arsed to look at a map to determine whether Amanda or LexInChina is actually farther away. Australia and China are both ginormous countires, one of them being also a continent, and knowing that Amanda is in the South part of Australia and LexInChina is in the Korean part of China really doesn’t help Us, as We are geographically dyslexic.)



(Micro$oft Weird™ would have Us believe that “ginormous” is not a word.  Clearly, Micro$oft Weird™ hasn’t seen Our ass recently.)



In other birthday-related news, Happy Belated Birthday to Alex, Jefrey, Laura, Mark, Matt, Nat, Peggy, and Spencer, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.  One of them in Canada!  Which, Our sources tell Us, is also a foreign country, much like Australia and China, but not nearly so far-flung.



(That’s twice now that We’ve said “far-flung” and not made a “well-hung” joke.  You should be very proud of Us.)



Speaking of all these birthdays, We have leapt this past weekend into Sagittarius, Our video for which is above.  If We had Our finger on Our ephemeris We could tell you exactly when.  (Dirty-minded Gentle Readers with limited vocabularies just went scurrying off to Google “ephemeris” on Wikipedia.  Quests for knowledge are HAWTT.)



Here is the link with which you may share Our Sagittarius video with both of your friends:  




In still other news, thanks to Our most recent efforts, Googling “Grayson Coats naked” and “Grayson Coats’ penis” on Wikipedia now return hits, much like “Elih Tani naked” and “Elih Tani’s penis”.  You’re welcome, Grayson Coats.  And Elih Tani.



{ (The preceding was a big-ass bracket, because the following bits all go together:

And there have been further developments in this ongoing saga:

In other news, non-naked-skimmers will recall that, two days ago, the following happened:

And then, as if Our real-life problems were (subjunctively) in some way insufficient/insignificant, Our sleeping brain decided to regale Us with a totally unrelated nightmare, which promptly woke Us up at an hour far too early for human habitation.




Of course, once awake, Our actual problems began conspiring to keep Us that way, and We quickly realized that We required some sort of diversion. We thumbed (metaphorically) through Our mental file of Gentle Readers Whom We’ve Seen Nekkid, and soon embarked on a pleasant diversionary fantasy which lulled Us back to sleep for an hour or so.




So, Allen in Mississourontanasota, if your ears were burning this morning long about six AM Our time, that would be why.




(And, by “ears”, of course, We mean “not so much your ears at all”.)


And then, yesterday, it happened again.  We imagined that, a la Beetlejuice, were it (subjunctively) to happen a third time, We would awaken to Allen’s actual presence in OurBedWhereWeSleep….

What happened instead was this…

…mostly the exact same story as before, except that where Allen had been, there was now…Donny Osmond. And not geriatric AARP Donny Osmond, neither,  but  twenty-something young-dumb-and-full-of-cum Donny Osmond.


We’re not quite sure how to process that information.


Well, that very night, the story resolved.  Allen returned to replace Donny Osmond.  With, as it were, a vengeance.  Ya know how We said earlier, “pictures or it didn’t hang”?  Trust Us, it hung.  In 3D video.  Hangin’ and bangin’, if you will.  (Or even if you won’t…what makes you think it’s all about you?)

Not, mind you that We won’t graciously accept any pictures you care to send.

(Does it count as a “well-hung” joke if We never actually said “well-hung”?) } (The preceding was another big-ass bracket because this bit is over now.)


Is no one going to comment on how adorable this is?  Or at all?  (Is this thing on?):




Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here:







Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

    
****************************************         


In celebrity birthday news, British singer Tom Odell is twenty-four today. You Yanks, of course, have no idea who he is, but if you Google up some pictures of him on Wikipedia, you will see that twenty-four is the new fourteen.  We have panties that are older than this boy.  They say “Ye Olde Tuesday” on the front.



And now, because We gots thangs ta doo, here, in lieu of call-and-response with Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli is A Reading From Madame Olivia (We love it when she talks about Uranus.):




Greetings Starzina ~

Madame Olivia is very happy to have you back.

Madame Olivia has a fantastic line to use at any gathering when you're trying to strike up a conversation: "How camest thou hither, tell me, and wherefore?" What Juliet meant, in part, is What are you doing here? It's also a way of saying "So how do you know x" or "what brings you here?" It's just so much fun to say. Madame Olivia hopes you will find it useful.

Now, dear Aries, Madame Olivia would like to remind you that Uranus has moved into... Aries! This betokens many exciting things, of which one is an enhancement of your fun-loving nature. Madame Olivia suggests that you not defer plans for relaxation and exploration you've been toying with. Stop toying and start playing. This is the time for it.
Madame Olivia senses that the color yellow is going to be important for you

It's been a pleasure to be with you. Farewell from Madame Olivia until we meet again.



Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne
 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    


Friday, November 21, 2014

Here’s my number…







Hello, Ducks!





Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg,  November Twenny-Onest, 2014.




We have still not even read Our Sunday paper yet.  At this rate, We might as well wait till this Sunday and read that one twice.





Happy Birthday to Donny, who turns twenty-four today.  In North Carolina.  (Apex, North Carolina, to be precise.  (There’s a smutty geography joke in there somewhere,  If you manage to ferret it out, let Us know.)) If Donny is not the prettiest boi in all of Carolina, he is certainly in the top five. (As, of course, is Skye.  In fact, if Donny and Skye were (subjunctively) to be in the same place at the same time (say, for instance, Apex), We are fairly certain that jewel-encrusted unicorns would leap into existence and commence farting cinnamon-scented rainbows.)



(How poetical was THAT?  And some people think We’re just a pretty face…)



Happy Birthday also  to Joseph, who also turns twenty-four today.  In New York.  New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).  And to Beth, who also too turns twenty-four today in WeHo, El Lay. And to Dave and John, who also also tutu turn twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love handles.



Whew…We’re exhausted already, and We’re just getting started.

]
Thanks to Our most recent efforts, Googling “Grayson Coats naked” and “Grayson Coats’ penis” on Wikipedia now returns hits, much like “Elih Tani naked” and “Elih Tani’s penis”.  You’re welcome, Grayson Coats.  And Elih Tani.




In other news, non-naked-skimmers will recall that, two days ago, the following happened:



And then, as if Our real-life problems were (subjunctively) in some way insufficient/insignificant, Our sleeping brain decided to regale Us with a totally unrelated nightmare, which promptly woke Us up at an hour far too early for human habitation.




Of course, once awake, Our actual problems began conspiring to keep Us that way, and We quickly realized that We required some sort of diversion. We thumbed (metaphorically) through Our mental file of Gentle Readers Whom We’ve Seen Nekkid, and soon embarked on a pleasant diversionary fantasy which lulled Us back to sleep for an hour or so.




So, Allen in Mississourontanasota, if your ears were burning this morning long about six AM Our time, that would be why.




(And, by “ears”, of course, We mean “not so much your ears at all”.)

And then, yesterday, it happened again.  We imagined that, a la Beetlejuice, were it (subjunctively) to happen a third time, We would awaken to Allen’s actual presence in OurBedWhereWeSleep….



What happened instead was this…



…mostly the exact same story as before, except that where Allen had been, there was now…Donny Osmond. And not geriatric AARP Donny Osmond, neither,  but  twenty-something young-dumb-and-full-of-cum Donny Osmond.
We’re not quite sure how to process that information.



Meanwhile, We are leaving this bit here….




And on this front…

Meanwhile, cold enough for ya?  We keep Our friend Doh’s current location on Our weather.com page, to remind Us that, no matter how cold it gets here, it is always colder somewhere else.  May We please just tell you that the temperature in Milwaukee, West Wisconsonomington is only five degrees colder than it is right here?  At this rate, that poor boy won’t be seeing his testicles till he gets back here in the new year.  (For the record, We Our Own Self Personally have never seen his testicles neither.  But We believe in them, and that’s what counts.)




…We are happy to report that, as of this morning, it is again TWENTY degrees warmer here than it is in West Wisconsonomington, so all is once again right with the world.

…to remind Us to say, “Check your snail mail.” (Even though today is only twelve degrees warmer than there.  (Although they say on Monday, it’s going to be SEVENTY-ONE DEGREES here.  We may run nekkid down Warnock Street.))




Is no one going to comment on how adorable this is?  Or at all?  (Is this thing on?):






Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html  ? 




Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:  http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ






Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.


****************************************



In celebrity birthday news, Carly Rae Jepsen’s birthday is today.  We were going to make a joke about her birthday finally being on a Friday-Friday-Friday, but then We realized We were confusing her with Rebecca Black.  Which tells you exactly how “celebrity” they both are.



In actual celebrity birthday news, Chris Bourne’s birthday is today.  He plays bass for…oh, who gives a shit….just Google up a picture of him. 





·         Aries You'll show the world just how good an infant car seat can be once you cast aside petty concerns like cost and safety.
·         Taurus It's not true that opening the dictionary to "loser" shows your picture, but for some reason they're still using it for "anteater," "caisson," and "dumbass."
·         Gemini Sadly, it turns out that of all the people you've ever known, the only one who has your best interests at heart is comedian Katt Williams.
·         Cancer For some reason, all your plans for life boil down to "In the confusion, we get away with both the money and the girl."
·         Leo We don't get to choose the person we fall in love with, as is obvious from the human pile of garbage you'll be following around with roses and candy this week.
·         Virgo They say if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything, which is good enough for people who aren't going to have their legs taken off by a road grader this week.
·         Libra Now that you take a closer look at what's on display, you can tell exactly why the emperor has no clothes. I mean, Jesus Christ.
·         Scorpio You'll be ruled unfit for trial, but they seem to think you're just fine for sentencing and execution.
·         Sagittarius You said you'd retired, but $45 and a free bag of groceries isn't something a person can just walk away from.
·         Capricorn You have to stop worrying about what everyone else says, especially nonsense like "You should dress better," "Nice people don't do that," and "Put down the gun and release the hostages."
·         Aquarius You've always thought of yourself as the ultimate cat person, but you'll change your mind this week after meeting the 7 feet of man and whiskers that is Big Meow Johnson.
·         Pisces You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling fears.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne
 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.