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Monday, July 21, 2014

Ooooo-hoooo, whichy woman…






Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManWich™Monday, July 21nd , 2014.



Happy Birthday to Adam, who turns twenty-four today in FairBrooklynThePrideOfTheThornInTheSideOfNewYork.




Happy Birthday also to Christopher, who also turns twenty-four today all the way out in WhereInTheWorldIsCarmenSanDiego.  Which is a city We tend to forget about when We think of The Left Coast, which We imagine being divided between El Lay/WeHo and Fran Sancisco, where they think Rice-A-Roni™ is a treat. Which is odd, considering that We have actually BEEN to WhereInTheWorldIsCarmenSanDiego, but We have NOT been to Fran Sancisco, where they think Rice-A-Roni™ is a treat.  Which is all We are going to say about that, as this is now a paragraph which is well on its way to containing an entire coven of whiches.



Which (heh) reminds Us, We miss Our friends in The Which City…shout-outs to Kevin, and Tyson, and Gregory GODDAMN! G., et. al.



Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Allen and Christopher, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.




For those of you Gentle Readers who are truly following along AND keeping score, We have not seen ANY of the aforementioned Birthday List OR Which City Dwelling gentlemen naked.


Speaking of WhereInTheWorld, Where In The World Is Casey Kasem’s body?




Also, for those who were wondering, We did in fact successfully do We Are Our Own Husband on Friday night.  We are thinking of opening up a William Shatner School Of Thespianism as a result.



(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), We just mistyped “Shatner” as “Shartner”.  Insert scatological verb conjugation jokes here.)



Speaking of scatologic, tickets to the WaitStaff’s Fringe Festival show, The WaitStaff Sh!ts The Bed!, are now on sale here: 




 
In other other other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Cancer, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M ))).



 


Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Cancer video, which is the second  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):





And here’s the HorrorScope:



Robin Williams, Don Knotts, and Jon Lovitz were all born today.  William Shatner was not born today.  We have no idea what any of that means, but now you know. 


And now, as We must be off to write scripts for The WaitStaff Sh!ts The Bed!, We present AssHatted Kelli’s blatherings sans commentary:



Don’t worry too much about that obstacle in your path — it’s much less important than it seems. In fact, it may be simpler to just go at it than to try to think up ways to get around it.  You’ve got a lot of living to do and you may have been going a little overboard lately — but knowing impulsive you, it’s probably surprising that you haven’t gone further than you have! It’s time now to sit down and look things over, though, with an eye toward creating — and sticking to — a nice, stable budget. Now stop giggling. You can do it. Besides, aren’t you trying to save up for a vacation?  A daytime date looks especially great — brunch, a bike ride, a swim, a walk through a cool, quiet museum together. If a romantic prospect isn’t available, take a friend and introduce yourself to people along the way!

Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


                                                                                                                                     

Friday, July 18, 2014

It never rains in New Northwestern East Southern Californistan






Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, July 18nd , 2014.



Happy Birthday to Beth, who turns twenty-four today all the way out on The Left Coast, allegedly somewhere in California that purports to be neither El Lay/WeHo nor Fran Sancisco, where they think Rice-A-Roni™ is a treat. 



Presumably, if California succeeds in splitting itself into six different states, We shall be hearing a lot more about such alleged places.   Geography having never been Our strong suit, We shan’t be bating Our breath.



(Note to Self: investigate possibility of replacing the saying “waiting with bated breath” with “waiting with masturbated breath”.)




Ooops…sorry.  That sort of came (heh) out of nowhere, didn’t it?



Happy Birthday also to Ted, who also turns twenty-four today in Greater Bostonia.



Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Dan and John, each of whom turned twenty-four yesterday.




(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), speaking of belated birthdays, We should like to point out that, on Wednesday, We pointed out that of the fifteen gentlemen on that day’s Belated Birthday list, We had seen two nekkid and one almost nekkid. To keep you abreast (ahem) of up-to-the-minute titillating (ahem) developments, We have subsequently heard from the aforementioned almost-nekkid gentleman, with whom We had lost touch.)



(We also heard from a gentleman completely unrelated to said belated birthday list, whom We had, coincidentally, also seen nekkid, that he was unable to visit Us here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back (Especially When You’re Nekkid) in August as planned.  Needless to say (and yet saying it anyway, as One does invariably after saying “needless to say”), We were disappointed.)



We are attempting to Zippy-the-Pinhead on through this, as We are off to murder-mystery this evening, playing a role We have not played before.  Which We haven’t exactly memorized yet.  But, in the interests of earning a paycheck, We shall do so shortly.  We shall be playing the husband of the character We usually play, but, since she never listens when he talks, that is no help to Us.


 We shall be dedicating Our performance in We Are Our Own Husband to Our friend, the LovelyAndTalented Charlie, who had two successful runs in the award-winning play, I Am My Own Wife. Our performance will be exactly the same thing, if you leave out “successful”.  And “award-winning.  And “play”.



  
In other other other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Cancer, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M ))).

 




Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Cancer video, which is the second  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):





And here’s the HorrorScope:



In celebrity birthday news, it is Hume Cronyn (of “Being Shoved Up Uma  Thurman’s Ass When People Make Unwarranted Assumptions” Fame)’ birthday today. Not to mention (and yet mentioning it anyway (what is up with that?)) Chace Crawford’s.  Because We are Just. That. Shallow.



Greetings Starzina ~

Hello again. Madame Olivia is happy to receive you.

You know how Madame Olivia is always nattering on about living simply, though she admits
 you might snort if you saw her closets. Well, she means well and she at least aspires to simplicity, and thinks you should too. So does comedian Steven Wright. Madame Olivia laughed out loud when she heard him say "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" Oh hahaha.

Madame Olivia sees a surprise affirmation coming from an unexpected source. Just what the doctor ordered, little Aries. The world doesn't know how much these voiced appreciations mean to you. And you richly deserve them!

Be on the lookout for boat imagery of some sort-- a gondola? raft? canoe? sailboat?

It has been a pleasure being with you. Madame Olivia wishes you all the best until we meet again.


Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


                                                                                                                                     

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

I'll Award You With My Body







Hello, Ducks!





Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for, July 16nd   , 2014.



Happy Birthday to Richard, who turns twenty-four today right here near The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.



Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Ed, Ty, Justin, Paul, Renee, Krystal, Connie, Scott, Loretta, Lizzie, Vicki, Zach, Joe, Kathleen, Michael, Steve, Mike, Ankit, Matt, Leslie, Michael,  Jeff, Jonathan, and, last but not Lee Strasberg, OurAmericanCousins Tracie and Jonetta.



(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), We should like to point out that, of the fifteen gentlemen on today’s Belated Birthday list, We have seen two nekkid and one almost nekkid. (Being as ladylike as We are, We cannot, of course, reveal which ones, but We are thinking that, particularly for Us, those are reasonably good stats.))



The Belated Birthday list is so long (not unlike the nekkid and almost-nekkid gentlemen) because We have been away.  We were poolside at The Sainted Mother’s for a week, followed by a weekend of family reunionation at Seven Springs (which see: http://www.7springs.com/ ) Of course, because We are Us, Celebrity Lifeguard Glee’s Chord Overstreet (see above) did not put in an appearance at said pool until the one day We were NOT poolside.  Sigh.



Because We are WorldWideInterWebNetzianly-savvy, We do not advertise such absences in advance, lest malefactors intent on plunder denude OurHouseWhereWeLive of Our worldly possessions.




(Our worldly possessions consist, at this point, of two nickels.  Which We occasionally rub together.  For heat.)




We would ask if you missed Us, but, as only one person who was uninformed of Our departure inquired after Our well-being, We are guessing that We already know the answer.  We are also guessing that, living alone as We do, it would be unwise for Us to fall and be unable to get up.



 
In other other other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Cancer, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M ))).



 


Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Cancer video, which is the second  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):





And here’s the HorrorScope:



Has it really been a whole year since hottie James Maslow’s last birthday? Thyme fries when you’re hassling nuns.  Here is a link to last year’s James Maslow birthday celebration e-pissode, where you will want to go if only for the photographic evidence of his hottitude.  (Also, because it’s a much more funner e-pissode than this one): 

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/cant-you-see-all-i-really-want-to-be-is.html



Seriously, go read that.  We’re outtie.




Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.